Expert: Nafeesah - 1/19/2009

Question
I have been with my partner for 4 years, at first it seemed fantastic, he wanted to get engaged after a couple of months and i was pregnant by four months (our son is now three) it turned into a violent abusive relationship, he is verbally abusive on a daily basis and physically abusive too on a regular basis, i cant count the amount of push, shoves, punches and kicks I have beared, he has smashed up our flat on numerous occasions, and I have alwayss "forgotten" about the things when he decides to be nice again, he has cheated on me when our son was three months old - i know he has, he hasnt admitted it in so many ways but it happened.  His younger brother died in a motorcyle accident over a year ago, he locked himself in the bedroom and then i found that he was texting and meeting up with another girl not long after, he has left me a couple of times only to come crying back, and I have taken him in, his mum and dad moved to spain and this made my sitation worse cos he took the loneliness out on me, we tried to make it work, but it hasnt, last oct (three months ago) he wanted to get married, i thought things would change and he did for three months, we got married early december and he has been out of work for 4 weeks, I found that he has been on various porn sites and has been having hours long conversations with a girl on there, i have found his passwords and read all his chats where he is trying his hardest to meet up with her (she lives abroad) this killed my cos i thought things would have been different, he has been cold with me and i know why - but he didnt know i knew cos he would have flipped that i had entered his privacy, he said he wants to leave and i have told him i want him out, i have been praying to give me strength and i feel i have got this, i am pushing him out the flat and he is trying to sort out a loan to get out.  I feel so cheated it is unreal, i cant believe he has done this just weeks after marriage, he says he would not treat a real woman how he treats me cos they would give him what he wants, he doesnt contribute towards bills, i work full time take my son to and from childminders and nursery whilst he makes out he is busy sat at home chatting to other woman, i dont thnk anyone else would want me now, a battered wife who has only been married four weeks and getting dumped!! I know i am better than all this and financially i would sort of be okay but it hurts that i have wasted so much time, please give me some advice, i think the abuse is me and all i can think about is how i have helped him with his own business and starting it up, he is going to be well sorted for money now and he has taken thousands off me over the years, to leave me with nothing!!

I am feeling sorry for myself, please make me feel better!! ++

Answer
I am sorry that you're in a relationship with someone who's served you no purpose, but it's time for you to make some decisions for what is best for you and your son. Your boyfriend has clearly shown he's not concerned about you, the relationship, and the child you share together. If he's been trying to see other women behind your back it's definetly time to leave your child doesnt need to grow up with this kind of nonsense. If he's not contributing to the household it's time for him to leave and if you married him file for an annulment since you've been married only a month. You need to leave money doesnt mean anything it's your sanity and the sake of your child that should be the primary concern at this point. If he wants to be with another woman let him because maybe she'll put up with his sorry behind. I would also look at getting some counseling because 4 years with this fool has damaged your self esteem. Think about YOU and your CHILD those are the two things that come first at this point. Don't feel sorry for yourself it's time to get up dust yourself off and tell this man to leave and if he's making excuses about getting a loan to get out he's got to leave ASAP and if he doesnt you can have him removed from the home and you'll send his things to wherever he's going. Make sure that your name is off all bank accounts and anything where he can try and take out stuff in your name. Direct your mail to a PO Box so he can't get his hands on it. Cancel your credit cards so he can't take them and run them up and reopen the accounts once you're away from him. Get a restraining order against your husband so he can't come after you.