Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/16/2009

Question
I am a 23 year old stay at home mother of one. When I met my boyfriend three years ago he seemed like a really nice guy. Things moved VERY fast and within months of making things official as bf an gf we got pregnant. We were both really happy for about a month then the verbal abuse started.
He would yell at me everytime I felt sensitive or emotional. If I cried during a movie he would tell me I was stupid. Sometimes I'd cry at night and he would yell and ask What the fu*% was wrong with me. I cried myself to sleep Every night of my pregnancy.
Then on his birthday two years ago, he got wasted and flirted the night away with one of his co-workers right in front of me. When we got home I asked him why he was treating me so unkindly, I told him he hurt me really bad and made me feel ugly and stupid. He started screaming in my face for being a fu&*en baby and to get the F away from him. After a few minutes of that, I slapped him. He was so drunk it took him a minute to realize what had happened. That night ended with him slapping me in the face and throwing a hat and a binder at me, and me leaving to a friends house. After yet another drunken night I packed my things and moved to my dads house, never telling him what was going on. I wanted to work things out but I didn't think it was a good idea for us to live together anymore and before I treated him as a bf he needed to treat me as not only a friend but a person.
On a visit one weekend my water broke, I was only 32 weeks along. We were in the hospital for almost 2 weeks, during that time he took care of me SO well, the staff was even impressed at his diligence. When I was released I went back to my dads but my bf would stay as well, eventually I moved back in with him.
Our verbal and sometimes physical abuse of eachother has been going on for over a year now. I know I am not miss perfect and I feel guilty for letting us become what we are. I have no self-esteem left. I hate my body, my hair, myself. I feel so lonely and at times the only thing keeping me from ending my pain is my son. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to say I'm not this person that has this kind of life, but obviously I'm still here so I am this person.
Only a few very close friends know about this. I've never told my dad. I feel ashamed of what my life has become. Verbal abuse is a regular part of our day. The sickest part of everyting is that he says he still loves me and for some reason that means something to me.
Can abusive people like us ever change for the better? Do relationships like this change?

Answer
Dear Krystallina,  My heart goes out to you and I can hear the pain and hopelessness in your words as you describe your situation.  I am so sorry that this is happening, to both of you.  I am sure that you both are good people, but there are issues here that need to be addressed.

If there is physical abuse going on, for both your sakes and the sake of your son, it would be better if you separated.  Your son is being affected by the relationship between the two of you and that kind of trauma stays with people for a lifetime.  

It sounds as though there may be an alcohol problem here as well, which always makes things so much worse.  Alcohol takes away good judgment and any inhibitions people have to control their behavior.  If your boyfriend has abuse issues, alcohol will only make it worse.

Although you may be ashamed to admit what is happening, by keeping silent you are taking away a support system that is vital to you.  I encourage you to talk to your dad and your friends.  Let them comfort you and rebuild your heart and spirit.  

Whether your boyfriend says he loves you or not, he is not treating you in a loving manner.  There is a proverb that says out of the treasure of the heart, the mouth speaks.  If he is speaking hateful things, that is what is in his heart.

You ask if abusive people like you can ever change for the better.  Yes, it is possible.  But you must get counseling from a professional who has experience in the area of domestic abuse and commit to the work it will take to heal you both.  If you have stayed with an abuser, there are issues on your side of the relationship that need to be addressed.  He obviously is making choices to drink and to abuse that result from pain in his own life that has not been addressed as well.  Hurting people hurt people.

Honestly, you must get yourself out of this situation and then begin the process of individual counseling so you can come together when it is safe and do couples counseling, if that is your choice.  There will be a point when you can say that you can forgive and move on or that the relationship is too broken and you need to end it.  Either way, your counselors will work with you to help you see the wisest course of action.

May you be blessed with wisdom and guidance as you make your decisions and if I can be of any further assistance to you, please feel free to e-mail me again.  My best to you Krystallina.

Blessings,  Kriss