Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/26/2009

Question
My older brother is currently incarcerated. Recently, I have realized that his relationship with his wife maybe abusive. My reasons for believing this are numerous.
I have observed my sister-in-law shout various degrading remarks at my brother and niece. She has made degrading remarks about my brother and niece and passed them off as jest. I have seen her on a number of occasions become explosively angry. She has demonstrated that she cannot accept her current circumstances are a result of her actions.  On a recent visit to my brother in prison, his comments conveyed frustration with the way his wife has been acting. He said she had recently issued him an ultimatum, saying that if he continued to associate with his family, she would leave him. He also asked about a number of things she had told him about us which were untrue. Not to mention, she has made many disparaging remarks to myself and my mother. She denies him visitation with their two children. Most importantly, she has threatened to leave the state with the kids and divorce him. He said he is very worried about this because he would not have the money to hire a lawyer to pursue his parental rights.
Additionally, when my brother was caught stealing, his wife was with him and had participated in the crime, but he insisted she had not been involved, and so she did not get charged.
I have been doing research and these behaviors seem to point toward emotional abuse. I want to try and help my brother but I am afraid to bring it up to him. I believe approaching him about it will make him withdrawn. I really would like to help him recognize it, if it is emotional abuse I would like to help him and his children to find a way out of this situation. How should I precede?

Answer
Dear Anna,
It sounds as if you care very much for your brother and I'm sure he is very lucky to have a sister who cares so much about him.

Being a prisoner is a pretty helpless position to be in and I'm sure your brother feels that way when it comes to his wife's threats.  Although his decision not to reveal his wife's participation in the crime may have come out of concern for his children, he may not have anticipated the future position it would put him in.  I can see your concern for him, but in all reality, in abusive relationships, the only people who have any means to change the dynamics of the relationship are the people in the relationship.

You might want to visit this website, www.bpdcentral.org - and do some research there.  If your brother's wife fits the description, you might ask him about whether the profile fits her.  If it does, you will need to be very careful in how you interact with her and how your interaction with your brother will effect his relationship with her.  

What you describe does fall into the arena of emotional abuse, but your brother will need to be the one to stop the behavior, if it can be stopped.  Emotional abuse between two people can only happen if there is an abuser and one who allows themselves to be abused.  I'm sure your brother feels powerless to take appropriate steps because of his circumstances and he may be right.  

Even if he does withdraw, I'm sure you can voice your concerns in a way that is not threatening to him.  Just let him know you love him and are concerned because of what you have seen.  Let him know that you are there for him and will help him, if you are willing to do so.  I'm not sure there is anything more that you can do other than to support him and to love him. He is the one who ultimately has control of the situation.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position.  It can be very frustrating to see someone we care about going through hard times.  I hope this has helped and if there is anything else I can do to be of assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss