Expert: Dana Q - 1/6/2009

Question
Dear Dana, I have been with my partner four years and now married for five months. He has given me the silent treatment over trivial things many times before, wanted our relationship over, I have moved in/out etc.  Since marrying whenever I do something that upsets him I get "I want a divorce" or when are you going to move out.  I tell him that we are only just married and that I am not going anywhere.  He will sleep on the couch and avoid me for anywhere up to one week! This last month I have counted five different episodes of him blowing up and sleeping on the couch and not speaking to me.  I am sick of running after him to resolve things, this is usually another op for him to throw a second round of critical comments my way.  So for the last five days I have only spoken to him when required ie asked him if he wants dinner, drink or to say where I am going when I go out.  He usually will pick up his keys and walk past me when he goes out and hop in his car - he says nothing to me.  Usually I cry but this last month has been exhausting and I don't feel anything other than "I wish I had some money so I could leave".  I have tried speaking to him when things are great - and that is my problem - when things are great they are excellent.  We get on like extremely well.  Same SOH, great intimacy, enjoy each other's company.  He is having a lot of problem with work at the moment (lack of it) and his ex-wife is trying to get more money for child support which he does not have.  I don't know whether to feel this is the cause, or is it he is just deep down not a very nice person?  What are your thoughts - thanking you in advance for your help.  Regards Melinda.

Answer
Dear Melinda,

Thanks for writing to me.  It sounds to me like your husband is potentially abusing you.    Here are some websites to help you determine whether or not you are being abused:

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

General Info http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Verbal Abuse http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

Cycles of Abuse http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

If these symptoms fit you and you feel you are being abused, then leaving is the only answer.If you find that the symptoms listed on these sites do not fit your situation and therefore you aren't being abused, you may want to give counseling a try.  At the very least, your husband has problems expressing anger maturely.

Hope this helps.

Dana Q