Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/14/2009

Question
It will be 5 years together this April. We got together when i was 20, he was 21. Now I'm 25 and we have two children. Our son just turned 3 and our daughter will be 1 in February. The first half of our relationship was awful. He was abusive, he hurt me, but he never hit me. He was extremely possessive and mistrustful. but every time i would break up with him he would literally cry and beg for another chance, he would stop being mean, and everything would be fine. i know he loves me, but i think he loves me more as a possession, but i don't think he realizes that. i don't have any friends anymore because he doesn't like them.

right now in our relationship he still won't let me have friends, we live a 40 minute drive from town on my families farm and he won't get his license, he is 26. Also, he is giving me trouble getting mine, he never will watch the kids, but I'm not allowed to have them in the car when I'm practicing. he won't do any house work, dish's, cleaning. He smokes in the house even though i repeatedly tell him not too, and disrespects me in front of others. he doesn't spend     almost anytime with his kids, he doesn't have a job. we pay only $250 for rent and i get $1000 a month for child tax (its not welfare, its something that all Canadian parents get). We argue a lot. he won't let me work, did i say that already?

I know this whole relationship is just stupid and i have no idea why i have stayed with him this long. Even now i feel as though i have been brainwashed in some way to make me not want to break up with him. Cause i just can't make myself do it. i know my relationship is unhealthy, i know i deserve better. Could you help me convince myself to leave him and to be happy with my decision?

Answer
Dear Angie,
I am truly saddened to hear of the circumstances that you find yourself in.  You absolutely deserve better treatment than this and your children do as well.  You asked if I could help you to convince yourself to leave and be happy.  I'm not sure that I can accomplish either of those tasks, but what I can do is give you honest, forthright information that you can use to make the decisions you need to.  Often what happens in these relationships is that the woman has to stay in some form of denial to be able to stay, so although my intent is to be kind and to inform, it may come across strongly.  

First, what you are experiencing is control and intimidation.  Once you experience the kind of hurt and abuse that you have in the beginning of the relationship, you become conditioned and then the threat of being abused is all that is needed to accomplish the task.  This kind of control, possessiveness and isolation are classic ploys of abuse and as part of the abuse cycle, you find yourself becoming more and more dependent on him as he won't let you be independent.  When you have reached your limit, you have broken up and the remorse part of the cycle begins where he begs and pleads for another chance.  

Abuse escalates over time and without intervention of some kind, whether it is to leave the relationship or get professional counseling, nothing is going to change.  This is the way your fiance has learned to cope with life, deal with frustration and control his world so he doesn't get hurt again.  Isolation is a part of this abuse cycle.  The abuser makes sure that you have no support system and therefore are completely dependent on him for emotional, physical and often financial support.  

Most victims stay with their abusers because they have such a low opinion of themselves that they either begin to believe the lies they are being told or they have such a low self-esteem and lack of identity to begin with that they don't have the strength to stand up for themselves.  You are obviously a very articulate and observant woman who is capable in your own right.  You don't need this kind of person in your life.  He is not supporting you, he is not respecting you and he is not treating you in a loving manner.  This is not a healthy relationship and it will only get worse as time goes on.  Children growing up in this kind of situation will learn from the model they see and then go on to repeat it.

When abuse is present, there is generally a lack of boundaries on the part of both abuser and victim.  The victim's boundaries are crossed and the abuser violates boundaries.  Boundaries keep you safe so at the very least, you need to begin to establish safe boundaries for you and your children.  These boundaries need to have consequences that are kept.  If you have difficulty with boundaries, a good resource is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.  At this point, he is getting what he wants out of the relationship and you are receiving nothing.  What is the point?  After 5 years, he has had plenty of opportunity to change his behavior, to make something out of the relationship and to learn new coping mechanisms, but he has not.  

One thing that abusers do, over and over and over is to fall into a place of remorse when the victim pulls away.  Remorse is not valuable in these kinds of situations.  Remorse only says that the person is sorry they have been caught in the offensive behavior.  What you are looking for is repentance.  Repentance is an identification from the abuser to the victim regarding the hurt they have caused.  The abuser actually can feel what you feel as a victim and be crushed by the understanding of what they have done.  This causes the abuser to determine at a heart level that they will never cause that kind of pain again and they will do whatever is necessary to make the changes in their own lives so they never hurt another person.  When you see true repentance in someone's life, you see them taking the initiative to find help, you see them doing the work regardless of whether the person they have hurt stays in their life and you see them determine to be healthier people so they don't continue to hurt people in their lives.  You also see repentant people approach those in their life whom they have hurt and ask forgiveness.  Sometimes they don't even ask for restoration of relationship because they know the other person can't do that, but they offer their repentance and ask for forgiveness just the same.  Someone who is remorseful doesn't get to the place where they feel the pain they have caused another person.  They just want to get past the hurtful situation and get on with life.  There is no restitution.  Repentant people are willing to give restitution to those whom they have hurt.  This is part of the trust building aspect of relationships.  When someone is willing to do whatever it takes to see you restored to wholeness, and actually does it, that is restitution.  Do you see how different that is from begging and pleading for another chance?  One takes responsibility and the other doesn't.

As isolated as you are, I realize it may be difficult to connect with a professional counselor while you are still in the relationship.  If you have family who will help you, you might consider asking them to watch the children so you can complete the process of getting your license.  Until you are able to make the decision to leave, you may need to rely on family or reconnect with your friends who will help you to get to a point where you are independent enough to leave.  If you can get to a counselor, I would strongly encourage you to do so.  They can help you deal with the issues that are keeping you attached to this man.  As you withdraw from the relationship you may see the abuse escalate.  If you feel threatened in any way, call on the local authorities.  I'm not sure what the local law enforcement policies regarding domestic violence are in Canada, but you can find out and then act accordingly.

Although there is a small percentage of abusers who threaten suicide, the best thing to do when this happens is to call the police and report it.  This accomplishes two things.  If the threat is real, it gets the person to a safe place where they can be helped.  If it is a manipulation, it will stop the manipulation quickly.  

Angie, dealing with your relationship appropriately will allow you to either bring the change that is needed for you both or it will end it.  Either way, the abuse is dealt with.  At this point you are enabling him to stay the way he is and treat you poorly.  If he is unwilling to go to counseling or get help, you are the only one in the relationship who can change what is happening to you and your children at this point.  You do not have to live like this and you know that.

When the abuse reaches a point where you are no longer able to tolerate it, you will leave.  At this point, you tolerate it because you don't care enough about yourself to require him to treat you better.  You have the power to say no and to make him leave.  He isn't married to you, the property belongs to your family and he has no claim on it.  Have him removed.  You are the one who holds the cards here...do you realize that?  He has no power in this relationship other than intimidation.  Do your homework and find out what your options are.  Often those unanswered questions...the unknown factor...makes a woman feel powerless.  Answer the questions and find out what is open to you.  Although he has made it seem as though you are helpless, you are not.  It will take some effort on your part, but you can do it.

These decisions are not easy Angie.  There is nothing easy about getting out of a relationship, even if it isn't abusive.  However the payoff is worth it.  Get your support network in place and then do what you need to do.

I hope this has been helpful.  May you be blessed with the wisdom and strength you need to do what is right for yourself and your children.
If I can be of further assistance to you, please feel free to e-mail me again.

Blessings,  Kriss