Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/30/2009

Question
QUESTION: I am going out with a guys 2 and a half years now,we were frends for about 5 years before that.But since we have been toegether he has become very possesive.He made me stop talking to all my guy frends and wats to know where i am at all times,doesnt like me to go out "unnescessarily".He used to be very abusive with his words by swearing and calling me names,cause he has a very bad temper but now when he gets upset with me he starts crying and hits himself and cuts himself.He has to be right in everything he says i must change and start admitting im wrong then things will get better.i used to cry when he used to fight before but now i have become hard and dont cry so he says i dont love him anymore.The thing is we are engaged and i cant leave him.i need to know how to deal with cause i have mentioned that he needs help but he says i think he is crazy.hes been through alot he hasnt got a good relationship with his father and he and his exfrend had an abortion and he regrets it alot and thinks hes going through all of this because of that,that hes being punished for that,that why he cries,please tell me how to deal with it,cause i cant walk away he threatens to kill himself and loses his temper totally

ANSWER: Dear Delia,
I'm sorry to hear that you are in this kind of relationship.  It is a hard place to be, and in order for you to have any peace, there are some things that you have to understand.  I realize that being in the relationship is less clear than being on the outside, but there are some things that need to happen for your friend before you can even think about having a successful relationship with him.

I can absolutely guarantee you that if you continue in this relationship, it WILL get worse.  He is not mentally well or emotionally stable and you can tell that by the fact that he is threatening to kill himself.  People who are in their right mind do not do that.  His behavior towards you is abusive and controlling...it has little to do with you and everything to do with the state of mind that he is in.  He sounds very depressed and if he is threatening to kill himself, the VERY BEST thing that you can do for him when he says those words is call 911 and get him somewhere where he can be safe and the people there will know how to care for him.  He needs help and is crying out for it.  You may save his life by doing so.  Whether he is manipulating you by threatening suicide or he is serious, calling 911 will either put an end to the games and/or get him the help he needs.

The second thing that I want you to understand is that you absolutely CAN walk away.  You are not responsible for his emotions or his choices and suicide is a choice.  This is where you need to get in touch with what is keeping you in such an abusive and controlling relationship.  These relationships have cycles, they start well, then an event happens and then their is a honeymoon period where the abuser apologies and swears that if given another chance they will never do it again...until the next time it happens.  The cycle continues over and over again, with the honeymoon period slowly becoming shorter and shorter.  If there is no professional help to intervene, the cycle never stops, the victim becomes more powerless, more confused and more unable to get herself out of the relationship.  His behavior has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, who you talk to, where you go or how you behave.  This is all his stuff and he needs to take responsibility for it and get himself the help he needs.

I know I am being very direct, but this is such a serious situation Delia.  It isn't anything to play with.  There are some mental health issues here that need to be addressed, for his safety and also for your well being.  I would encourage you to find a counselor that you can talk to as well because I can hear that you are already going down the path that every abused woman goes down.  You do not have to marry him and it may not be the wisest choice to do so considering his issues right now.  If he won't get help on his own, you do not have to condemn yourself to a lifetime of abuse.  I realize these choices are not easy and will require much inner strength to deal with.  Please be wise and take care of yourself in this situation.  

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Everything you said is true and i know it but i wish its so hard,i cant walk away cause he says he needs me,what if i leave and he does kill himself?we talked and he agreed to get help, do you think a psychologist would help?cause i think he has borderline personality disorder

Answer
Dear Delia,
If he has BPD, you will need to find a psychologist who understands personality disorders.  There is no cure for BPD and the expected length of time for treatment is anywhere from 8-10 years, where the client attends therapy at least twice a week.  Men with BPD are impulsive and violent so realistically, if you choose not to walk away, you are more than likely choosing to spend the rest of your life in this kind of relationship.

If you leave and he kills himself, that would be tragic, but it would not be your fault.  Living or dying is his choice and this is a way that person's with BPD use to control and manipulate their partners.  He does not need you, he needs treatment.  Bottom line, the thing that individuals with BPD fear most is abandonment.  If they interpret anything as being abandonment, it will trigger them into anger, or even psychotic breaks.  I do not in any way mean to say that this perception has to be real abandonment, it is whatever they perceive as abandonment.  BPD causes the individual to lose their perspective and they will twist what you say into meaning something that you never meant and then blame you for that.  

Living with someone who has BPD means you live in a world of mental illness, are controlled, blamed and abused for things that are not your fault.  Very, very few people with BPD have long term, successful relationships.  It just isn't possible.  The ones who do have long term relationships, have them with individuals who are unable to leave the situations and those people die a slow, emotional death until they give up their will and become passive and controllable.  

I do not mean to sound insensitive.  People with BPD suffer in their own special hell.  It is very painful, but it is painful because of their misinterpretation of reality.  It's like they live in their own little world of pain, caused by themselves.  This is a mental illness for a reason.  They are unable to hold history with a person, which means that they live in the moment and whoever you are to them at the moment is who you are.  You could be the nicest individual in the world, for 20 years and if they interpret that you have offended them, you become unsafe to them and not to be trusted.

Delia, this isn't about love, it is about survival...yours.  If he threatens to kill himself, call 911 and have him committed.  That will be the most loving and safest thing that you can do for him.  He will not like it, but he isn't in touch with reality at that point so it doesn't matter.  No matter what you do, you will be the bad guy so do what is right and be the bad guy for something that you believe is right.

There is nothing easy about this situation, but the cost to you will be way too high if you stay.  You can do whatever you choose to do.  If you need help, ask for it.  If you don't feel safe, call the police.  You are not going to be able to reason with him when he breaks with reality so you will need to do whatever you need to do to be safe.  

Delia, I strongly encourage you to get into counseling.  You need someone on your side to help you build that inner strength you will need to face this situation.  He is not safe and he will hurt you eventually.  

Thank you for writing back and I wish you the very best as you make your decisions.  

Blessings,  Kriss