Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 1/12/2009

Question
I am 38 and have been married for almost 10 years. I am wondering if my husband is verbally abusing me. To the world, he is as I met him; funny, engaging, and very earnest to do the right thing and be a good person. In proviate, I have been dealing with worse. When things go badly; whether he losses a job, I don't make enough money or we disagree on something (sometimes nothing seems to provoke the response!) he gets very angry and says very hurtful, scathing remarks to me. He calls me names, tells me I am worthless and then tells me he wants a divorce. Not willing to take the behavior, I stand up to him and get angry back until he gets mean enough to make me cry and walk away. Though he never says it, he acts as though all our problems are my fault; either I am too fat, too lazy, not good enough at my job, etc. We recently had a baby and I will not have her grow up in a toxic household, but wonder if we simply need counseling or if this is serious enough to call abuse. He has not hit me, nor do I feel afraid he would hurt me or our daughter, but his actions and words have definitely killed my already weak self confidence and I apologize for everything to everyone and go out of my way to please. I even catch myself fishing harder for compliments and not believing anything nice about myself. I want to provide a good role model for my daughter and am worried that she will think this is ok. He keeps talking about how we can present a close image for her but we often fall into this horrible fight pattern, usually because he starts in on a fault of mine and I try to defend it. He is a good dad to our baby, and stays home with her while I am the main bread winner. I do not want her to lose her father, but am so worried about what the alternatives could to do her. Help.

Answer
M,

You ask if your husband is abusing you, the answer is not a simple, yes.  It is not so much that he is abusing you, as it is that his language is abusive.  He seems to be very much a victim of his own vituperations. I wonder if his searing judgements of himself aren't being deflected off on to you.

I don't know of any man who likes to be the housewife(house husband) while his wife goes out and earns.  Our men have been socialized to feel manly when they can responsibly assume financial responsibility for their family.  As a rule, with exceptions here and there, a man feels better about himself when he could be financially independent.
And he could feel rather frustrated and disgusted with himself when he has not a clue how to earn adequately.  All this could contribute to a build up of anger which at the slightest provocation could erupt volcanically.

About yourself, I almost feel your pain, your pain of self rejection, of waiting, self esteem cringing, begging, as it were for your husband's affirmation of your worth.  But he cannot give to you what he does not have.  If he himself is feeling inadequate, it would be very difficult for him to help you feel adequate.

So, you need healing.  Both of you.  Take your eyes off your husband.  Place them on self; go even deeper; place your focus on the power within; God within. Change your self-rejecting, pity-soliciting behavior.  You are not weak.  You are strong.  You are not a sponge that when squeezed would cry.  You are a strong woman.  You are resilient.  Stop begging for compassion.  Stop looking for acceptance.  Give compassion, but do not beg for it. When you change your behavior, the behavior of others towards you would eventually change.

Make a habit of reaffirming your worth.  Silently repeat to yourself, "I am strong.  I would not melt when or if my husband says some things I do not like.  I would not beg him to change his attitude to me.  I will change my attitude towards myself.  From now on, I accept my worth.  From here on, I will honor and respect myself.  I refuse from here on to indulge in any behavior that makes me feel poorly about myself."

M, as you change your self-talk, and practice conducting yourself as a strong, resilient, self-respecting, person, you would feel better about yourself.  Then when your husband is railing you won't become distressed; for you would see that he is in pain and his behavior is just his way of coping; his behavior and hostile talk cannot diminish you.  As a matter of fact, when you assume more responsibility for your feelings, and desist from blaming him, he himself might refrain from attacking you.  He won't attack you because you would have pulled yourself out of the blaming game.

Should you go to counseling?  Most definitely.   Should you invite him to join you at counseling?  Most definitely.  Should you upset yourself and stay away from counseling if he refuses to go with you?  Definitely NOT.

You cannot change your husband.  And you should not try to.  Work on yourself. The more you come to understand and accept yourself, the easier it would be to let your husband be who he is.  Of course if, as you say, regardless of what you do, his behavior toxifies the environment, you may want to insist on some sort of intervention.

I recommend to you the book, The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz.  If you want a book that would help you understand how you have come to have the quality of relationships you now experience, this is the book.  If you want a book that shows you how you could transform your present experience into the type that leaves you feeling good about yourself, this is the book.

Blessings.

Dr. ES