Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/9/2009

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for about two years, he is a good man when he wants to be but most of the time he is mean to me he has hit  me while I was pregnant and now that im not also not alot but he has but why do I always when I know im not wrong,he makes me feel it was my fault????....and he most of the time calls me names WHEN i SAY OR DO SOMETHING WRONG  ... whe seemed not happy of being with me,he has been out of prison before(7 YEARS), we dated when he was in prison he goit out and I became pregnant everything seemed normal and wonderfull for the first 3 months we got in to arguments but ,the more time that passed by he will get more violent and more verbaly abusive, just yesterday I cried because I cant take it anymore ussualy when he thetens me to leave I beg him to stay but not yesterday I actualy helped him GET OUT, I have called him like twice today I use my daughter as a excuse,I know what I should do but i am so afraid he goes and looks for another woman I am afraid of being alone I have support from my mother and a friend that only knows whats going on????

I need help!

Answer
Dear Blanca,
This is truly a difficult situation and I can understand the pain you are feeling.  When someone we love treats us dishonorably, it leaves us in much pain.  I am sorry to hear of your circumstances, but I want to encourage you that with him out of the relationship, you are in a much better place.

The most important thing to understand Blanca, is that there was a reason this man was in prison.  If he was healthy and able to deal with life in an appropriate way, he would not have a criminal background.  That should tell you something about him.  Dating a man who is still in prison is not real life so when he got out you began living in the real world where he was not controlled and watched.  He is not able to control himself without constraints and therefore he quickly began to use control and intimidation to make you do what he wanted.  Looking at life through his eyes, valuing yourself according to his value system is accepting something about yourself that is not real.  

He does not have the right to treat you this way and you are too valuable as a person and a mother to allow him to.  You don't need this in your life and neither does your daughter.  He will abuse her as well.  

Blanca, I STRONGLY suggest that you find the nearest Women's Center or Domestic Violence shelter and seek the services of an abuse counselor.  You need some support and someone who can help you deal with the issues in your life that keep you running after a man who treats you badly.  If he is still out of your life, let him go.  Don't allow him to come back.  He is unsafe.  More than likely you are doing nothing wrong.  Abusers will use anything to justify their behavior.  It has nothing to do with you, it is all about their inability to deal with life appropriately and they make you responsible for their feelings.  

No matter what he does, I urge you to get into some kind of counseling.  It will help you heal and give you the support you need to be able to make wiser choices in relationships in the future.  I hope I have been able to help you.  If I can be of further assistance, please feel free to e-mail me again.

Blessings,  Kriss