Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I'm not a teen any more:(((( I'm already 24 year old female and still so vulnerable!!! I love going to the gym. In the gym, I met a guy about two months ago who had the perfect height and gorgeous muscles: tall and black skin, looking like singer Tyrese.  When he let me touch his arms and his six-pack, I became addicted to his body so that I could not hold even a week to get to know him a little before having sex. We had sex with a condom. However, the condom slipped and I felt scary afterwards. I did check for STD/HIV tests twice right after we had sex, and I bought myself emergency pill just in case. So, everything seemed to be fine with me; I even showed him later the copies of my negative tests results.  I offered him to take STD tests too and I was ready to pay. He took 50.00 dollars from me but never told me about taking tests. SO, I don't really know if he's healthy or not. I told him that I was afraid to become pregnant or catch disease, hoping that he would want to help me deal with this. I also confessed that i had an instant crush on him and was in love with his body. But first of all, he had no concern over pregnancy or disease. He only said " nothing will happen", and he also said "whoever you have sex with is none of my business". We tried to have sex second time - anal sex, which was pretty exciting and unusual to me. Afterwards, we both ended up with regular vaginal infection. When I felt irritation, I went immediately to my clinic and got medication to fix it. It was the common vaginitis(candidas overgrowth). But when he felt similar irritation on himself, he threatened me and said "you'll have problems with me if you make me sick!" Then I tried to calm him down and said that must be just an infection - the same that I have, and I showed him my pills for that. To my surprise, he took those pills away from me and decided to eat them for himself. Few weeks later, I checked with a doctor again for all the infections and STD's/HIV - I had nothing,thank GOD.
When this guy calls me, I can only remember his body and his perfect muscles. Recently he said something that made me feel so used: " either you'll suck my dick or another girl will". I said "no", but he  keeps calling, and I keep thinking of his body. I feel that I should stop talking to him, but I cannot forget his body, his muscles... I barely ignored two of his calls, but it is so hard. He keeps calling...left me a message where he said that we could just be friends...I find myself SOOOO MUCH attracted to him that I'm afraid I'll give in to him again one day. I really want his body, but I think he is a dangerous person and I should not be involved. I hate that he is on my mind all the time - it's almost like a drug that is beyond my control. How can I learn to ignore his calls, how can I make myself not think about him and his body? PLEEEEEASE help!!!

ANSWER: Dear Yevna,
Thank you for writing and being so open about your situation.  These are confusing feelings and it is helpful to process them with another person.

Although physical attraction is part of a relationship, it is a very fleeting part.  People are much more than their outward appearance as you can see by how this man treats you.  There is no respect or honor here and the cost in getting involved with this kind of person is very high.  He is coercing you to give away a part of yourself that doesn't belong to him.  

To answer your question, what you are experiencing is the release of a hormone called PEA, phenylethylalamine.  This amphetamine like drug, sometimes called the drug of infatuation, is secreted in a person’s brain.  PEA raises your energy level so that you can work all day and be up all night.  PEA makes depressed people feel better and anxious people relax.  PEA raises the sex drive and thus “turns people on.” Sexually passive people are suddenly very active.

And PEA is what I call a proximity drug, meaning that when the loved one is near or when you think of the loved one, PEA increases.  When the “loved one” leaves, the level of PEA drops.  You can easily get the idea that “they turn you on,” when it is really your own body that determines these things.  When the PEA level drops, you may feel like you can't stand to be away from the person and believe that if you can be with them again, everything will be fine.  What you are really experiencing are withdrawal symptoms from the PEA.  

The effect of PEA is to make you want to be with your partner all the time. The experience is a bit like a roller-coaster.  If you stay within proximity of the "loved one" or think about them a lot, this hormone will secrete for anywhere from 9 months to 2 years.  However, once it is gone, it is gone and you never get those feelings back with the same person again.  This is why people go from relationship to relationship.  They are looking for the PEA.  

PEA has a way of increasing fantasy.  When reality hits, PEA levels off and that increased desire goes away.  In order to ignore him, not think about him, it is necessary to get out of the fantasy and into the reality of what is happening.  He is being selfish, disrespecting you, using you for his purposes only and the relationship is very one-sided.  There is nothing in it for you.  He is not demonstrating that he cares about you or your life in anyway, he is only interested in sex.  He could have the most perfect body humanly possible and still be bankrupt as a human being.  You don't have relationship with a body, you have relationship with a person and if that person is unhealthy emotionally, they will not make a successful partner for you.

I hope this has helped.  Trust your intuition.  If you are feeling inside that he is dangerous and you should not be involved, don't get involved.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much. Just give me some ideas or tricks to distract my mind.
How?
Is there a drug that I can buy and eat and just forget? How can I just not think
of him? Should I just change my phone number before I answer his phone call
and then end up letting him see me and do whatever he wants? He calls
almost every day, and I don't answer. But I can't concentrate at work or
school - didn't do my homework -can't concentrate. Should I talk to him and
ask him to leave me alone? Or should I never talk to him and just avoid until
he himself disappears? It is annoying, I am trying to do my master's degree
and think of him every day. I hate my brain. May be I should drink wine after
school to relax?  

Answer
Dear Yevna,
I don't think there are any tricks beyond just concentrating on you, your future and the goals you have in life.  He is just a distraction, albeit a large one.  There are no drugs or things to eat that will deal with this either, I'm sorry to say.  Having wine after school will relax you, but it will also lower your defenses so that may not be the best course of action.

The one thing I can suggest is that you talk with a friend, a counselor or a pastor who can help you discover what is hooking you so much about this guy.  Many times it is the idea that someone loves us...love is one of the biggest hooks there is.  Another hook that is very difficult to ignore is when someone gives us validation by either verbally telling us how wonderful we are or by associating with them if they are successful or popular.  Those two things can be very, very powerful hooks in our lives.  What you need to understand is that this man is playing to your worthlessness.  You are a bright, intelligent and goal oriented woman who has everything going for her.  You have a life and a future.  

Does he make you feel loved, does he make you feel important?  If he does, those are things that you need to know for yourself, rather than have another person define you.  If you let him or anyone else tell you who you are, then whenever they change their mind or leave you, you will be devastated and feel weak.  You are absolutely worthy, valuable and lovable, simply because you take up space in this world.  He has no intention of treating you like that.  Dwell on these truths and you will soon want to run in the other direction from this man.  Don't dwell on the fantasy, dwell on the truth in your thoughts and you will be OK.

If his coercion is too powerful for you right now, simply change your number.  If you believe you can talk to him, it would be better to tell him to leave you alone and if he doesn't, check out the stalking laws.  All that is happening is that he believes that you are an easy mark to get what he wants and if he pushes enough, he'll get it.  He is a predator and he has seen that you give in to him.  You will need to do whatever you are capable of to make sure he stays away from you.

Blessings,  Kriss