Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/19/2009

Question
I have been dating the same guy for the last four years. WE are both really young, I am 19 and he is 20. The first year of our relationship was complete bliss. We never fought or argued, we were one of this disgustingly perfect couples that everyone hates. After our first year, things went downhill. He became very possessive and controlling, wanting to know where I was and who I was with at all times.He would call or text me every five minutes, and if he didn't like where I was he would badger me until I left. Of course he never wanted to hang out around my friends, he claimed that they were "terrible influences" and that he didn't like who I was when I was around them. Naturally we spent a lot of alone time together, he often joked that he wanted me all to himself, that if he could he would have me wear a tunic from head to toe so that I would be only his. At first I thought he was just being protective until we went out to community events. On one occasion I was wearing something he didn't approve of (it was nothing that would have offended anyone else he just didn't want me to be seen by others) so he threw his jacket around me and wrapped his arm around me so I couldn't remove it. Things went downhill from there. We would argue a lot and in these arguments he would "accidentally" hurt me, but he was always very sorry and promised to never let it happen again. After the third year, I left the state for a month to try and separate my mind from him. I had tried to break up with him a few times before that but each time he'd convince me that he didn't want to live without me or I would see that I was too in love with him to leave. While I was in Florida he joined the Army. I thought that it would be the perfect time for me to separate myself from him. Each time I dated someone else though, he would somehow wind up home. And each time my new relationship would end and I would be back with him. In the last six months I decided to just give up and agreed to marry him. I have sat down and explained all the reasons why he scares me and why I am nervous about having a future together and each time he reassures me and tells me that he will get counseling. Things will be better for a very short amount of time but then they get worse. We fight over everything, I leave in tears everytime we go out. It makes me feel like I am not doing something right. My friends and family have warned me that they believe one day he might hurt me. I'm not entirely sure that he would do this, and I know that he loves me. I just don't know how to make us work. I don't know how to be with him, but it hurts too much emotionally when I try to leave. I need to know how I can repair our relationship before it's too late.
Thank you so much.

Answer
Dear Sarah,
My heart just broke as I read your question, not so much for the situation, but for the fact that you have come to believe that this is your fault and you can do something about it.

Sarah, these issues of control and abuse rest squarely on your boyfriend and you will not be able to "fix" anything.  What you are describing to me is the cycle of abuse.  This cycle begins with a good relationship.  The abuser "grooms" the victim and there is a kind of conditioning that happens over the course of the relationship.  When the first "event" happens, there is usually an apology and an assurance that it will never happen again.  The victim forgives and then there is a honeymoon period where everything seems to be OK, until the next time.....then the cycle begins again. Often during the course of this cycle, the victim is isolated from friends and family so they have no support system and become dependent on the abuser. The cycle will continue over and over again, with the honeymoon period becoming shorter and shorter until the victim begins to live for any kind of indication of love from the abuser...like a thirsty man in the desert.  They begin to blame themselves for the problems in the relationship as they believe what they are being told by the abuser.

Abusers will say they will get counseling and either never do or they do it in order to keep the relationship together, neither of which is the correct motivation.  Unless the abuser REALLY understands and empathizes with the pain they have caused others, they will rarely change.  The truth is Sarah, without LONG TERM professional help, the abuser will stay in the cycle and it will only get worse.  Whether you have been hurt "accidentally" or "on purpose" there is physical violence in this relationship and that is unacceptable.

This man is abusing you emotionally and physically.  He is not taking responsibility for his behavior and he is stalking you.  This is not going to get better and statistics show that there is a only a small percentage of abusers who are truly rehabilitated.  You said that your friends and family believe that someday he will hurt you and you aren't sure that is true.  In all reality, he has already hurt you.  He has already crossed that line, whether it is labeled accidentally or not...it has already happened and it will continue and get worse.  There is a level of denial that you are engaging in that all abused women have to use to stay in these relationships.  It will not serve you well to deny what is true, it will only allow the abuse to continue.

You are the one who needs to make the decision, but I would encourage you to get out of this relationship now.  You are not married and would not have to deal with the legal ramifications of a divorce at this point.  If he is treating you this badly now, it will not improve after you get married and then you will have less options.  

I strongly urge you to connect with your local Women's Center or Domestic Violence organization and engage in some abuse counseling for yourself. He will not want you to, but that is irrelevant at this point. In these kinds of abusive relationships, it requires two people, an abuser and someone who allows the abuse to continue.  You have been manipulated against your will to stay in this relationship.  Your heart has told you many times that you want out, yet you have listened to the manipulation and believed it over your own truth and convictions.  Abuse counseling will help you to believe in yourself and most Women's Centers have a multitude of services that you can use to get out of abusive relationships and feel safe.  You are already exhibiting symptoms of being abused and you must take action now in order to redeem yourself.  

Your boyfriend is an adult and he has the same services available to him, however he is choosing to believe that you can solve his problems.  You cannot!  You can't fix this, you can't fix him...you can't love him enough to heal his issues.  Giving in to his demands will NOT CHANGE ANYTHING.  He will tell you that he needs you, that if you leave him his world will be devastated and that if you just give him one more chance, everything will be better.  Obviously that is not true and he has also not sought the counseling he promised you he would get.  This is all part of the pattern.  He may even threaten suicide if you leave him, but Sarah, that is not your responsibility either.  This is not to say he will not feel pain, he will, but you can't alleviate his pain by taking it on yourself.  He will need to choose appropriate means to help him heal just as you will.

These are choices that HE is making.  He could choose to get help, he could choose to open his heart and truly understand what he is doing, he could choose to stay away from you and work on his own issues because he realizes he is a danger to you.....he is not choosing this.  Men who truly understand what they are doing, who truly honor those they love will not continue to repeat the pattern.  At this point Sarah, you need to look at what he is doing rather than believe what he is saying.  What he says has no substance, it is only manipulation.  

I very much understand that getting out of these kinds of relationships is not easy.  It will take strength and courage on your part.  If you have lost your support system, re-establish those relationships as you can.  You will need the help and support of others to leave.  I also encourage you to get the counseling you need to re-establish your emotional health and trust in yourself.  You are obviously a very intelligent and articulate woman and I know you will be able to find someone who will be a good fit for you and help you walk the path back to health.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers Sarah.  If I can be of any further assistance to you in the future, please feel free to contact me again.  Trust yourself and don't give in to the manipulation.

Blessings,  Kriss