Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/14/2009

Question
Hi there! Thank you so much in advance for your help! I have a very close friend of 4 years who use to be the epitamy of indepence and confidence. My girlfriend is in her 30s with three kids and about 2 years ago finally cut off ties with her kids' abusive alcoholic father. As a result of her new found freedom, she relished being able to go out and have fun without worrying about a coontrolling spouse. About a year and a half ago she met a young man at a bar (almost 10 years her junior) and since then they have been inseperable (I cannot recall them being apart for more than one day in the last year and a half). At first he was like a God-send- he would watch the kids, support her financially, get her gifts etc. Now... he is the devil in disguise. About 3 months into their relationship I started noticing the controlling side of him. He would set up a huge fight if she wanted to go out or pick arguments with her when she would even talk about friends. Over the last year she has lost EVERY SINGLY ONE of her friends except for me. Her mother barely even talks to her. This man she is with is the most verbally abusive person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. He calls her the worst names in the book and will start an argument or a fight at the drop of a pin- even in public. I am not even allowed to speak with her unless he is not at home! The problem is- he is my fiancee's cousin. Not just that, they live a block away from us. Therefore this man (my fiancee's cousin, my bestfriend's boyfriend) has assumed control over MY life. He makes arrangements for me to go over and keep her company when he is out (despite what my plans are) BUT when they are together and I would like to talk/see her- unless I am with my fiancee- forget about it! He treats her terribly. He does not work yet he has the audacity to comment on the "mess" of a house she keeps even though she spends 45 hours a week working retail, not to mention, raising 3 young kids. They fight in front of the children and her 12 year old daughter hears all the nasty things he says to her. What should I do? I have recently cut off ties with him but it has become hard to 1.maintian a relationship with her and 2.keep my mouth shut about what I know about him (He steals ALOT and recently had my fiancee blamed by a house full of people for stealing $200 and never admitted to it even after my fiancee was close to being kicked out, he has also said horrible things behind her back commenting on her weight,looks etc and informally agreed to move back in with his brother- "just to leave the bitch")I have told her time and time again that he is NOT a good person and that he is sabbotaging their relationship with his insecurities, all the while ruining her life and she is an exceptionally bright, strong individual but she cannot fathom being away from him despite what it is doing to her and her kids! She does not listen! Should I tell her what I know? What about her children? I do not think it is fair for them to see this as an average relationship! Help!!

Answer
Dear May,
I am sorry to hear that your friend is in such a hurtful place.  It is always very difficult to watch the people we love and care about be treated dishonorably.  I can understand how difficult it is for you.

Unfortunately, there is not a lot that you can do.  Even though your friend is independent and confident, there are some issues in her life that need to be dealt with if she continues to find herself in these kinds of relationships.  If there is ever a point where you can talk to her about that, you might encourage her to seek out an ACOA meeting or find a counselor who has expertise with how alcoholism effects families.  In alcoholic homes, the family members often need to practice staying in a state of denial to be able to live in the home.  When you grow up in denial, it becomes habit and living in denial is how women cope with staying in abusive relationships.  They can't acknowledge what is really going on, it is too painful.  You may even be able to provide her with information regarding how her children are being effected by living in an abusive household.  Sometimes mothers will respond when they know their children are being hurt, more than if they are being hurt.  Healthy people don't allow themselves to be treated like this, they respect themselves and value themselves more than that.

You do not have to be controlled by this individual, but there is a fine line here between how much you give in to this person and how your behavior will effect how he treats your friend.  What he is doing is isolating her so she has no support network, which is part of what abusers do.  The best thing that you can do is to maintain contact with her so that she has at least one line to the outside world.  He will continue to try to sabotage your relationship with her most likely.  All you can do is keep speaking truth to her and make sure that she knows you will be there for her.  Hopefully one day, the light will go on and she will begin to see what is happening to her.  On that day, she will need you.  

One of the best ways I have found to help women get out of abusive relationships is to help them to heal and become healthy.  Healthy women will walk away and that is the goal for your friend, to become emotionally healthy.

I'm sorry the news isn't much better, but your friend is the only one who has control of her life and she is in the driver's seat.  It is hard to watch, I know, but if you can continue to hang in there with her, it will help in the long run.

You will need to use wisdom in how you treat this man, but enabling him may not be wisdom. Losing control is something that will most likely trigger abusive behavior, but if he is breaking the law, would it be wise to inform law enforcement?  If he is physically abusing her or the children, can the police be called?  Most states have mandatory arrest laws, so if they are called, someone is going to be taken away.  This guy sounds like a bully and no one is able to stand up against him.  That is a very powerless place to be in.

I have given you some very general information here and I caution you to be wise in how you go about applying it.  It may be helpful for you to contact your local domestic violence shelter or women's center for some information as well.  Often, they have training as to how to deal with abusive individuals and that could prove helpful for you.  It will give you some options that you may be able to use sometime in the future.

I hope this has helped and that you are blessed with wisdom as you stand by your friend.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to e-mail me again.

Blessings,  Kriss