Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/6/2009

Question
When I met my husband, I was 19 and in the military. He was 23 and worked at a bar. A mutual friend said we would be perfect for each other and we HAD to meet. So we did, and we hit it off. When I got orders to Japan a few months later, we decided to get married. I ended up spending a year alone in Japan. While I was there, my husband stayed home in the US. After some time, he let me know that he was moving into a more expensive apartment with his friend. Shortly after that, he lost his job and I said I would help him out, so I had another card made for my bank account and sent it to him. That was what I consider the very beginning. I can still remember that conversation. He said "No, I don't want to use your money" and I said "We're in this together, we're supposed to help each other out, take it". Well he took it, and he never got another job. He blames me, saying that I wouldn't be able to stand it if I couldn't always reach him on the phone. Then he starts playing computer games. When I get home from Japan, I go to his apartment and it is disgusting- just really really messy and dusty and there is spilled food and soda. Then I learn just how addicted he is to his computer now. He is constantly on it.
To make a long story short: We've been married now for 3 years. He has had two jobs in all of that time and neither has lasted for more than a couple of months. I bring in all the money, I do all the housework. My husband has never done a load of laundry, or cleaned the toilet. All the while he is on the computer- playing his online game with his online friends. All through the night and he sleeps through the day.
Well the other day, the computer broke. It needed a new video card. As soon as it won't start, he is taking apart the computer. When he finds the problem, he wants to go to Wal Mart at 2 in the morning to get a new card. Problem is, we don't have the money. We are completely broke most of the time. So I tell my husband this and he gets mad. He says that he will get a job now to cover the cost of the card. I asked him why he couldn't get a job before when we needed the money for other things..... He ends up CRYING and saying "I need my computer". I said "It's not life and death" and he said "to me it is".
I didn't know what to say and I ended up letting him spend the phone bill money on the card. He hasn't gotten a job yet. Things are just SO messed up. He is not the man I married, or maybe he is and I just didn't know him well enough. The problem is, I can't live like this anymore, but when I try to bring this up to him, he acts like nothing is wrong in our relationship and I am a bad person for making up things to be mad at him about. I can't talk to him, he always turns things around. The only way I ever get my point across to him is when I am just brutally honest. He, of course, takes that as me being mean. He says that I act immature even though I am a full time active duty marine, getting my college degree online, making all of our food, doing all the shopping and taking care of the house and the cat. I feel so stuck because I know I can't win against whatever he uses to turn things around on me. I just really really need help. Divorce is a last option- I don't even know if I could do that.

Answer
Dear Ashley,
As I read your question and started to understand the circumstances you find yourself in, I hear such pain in your words.  You are obviously a terrific woman and have so much going for you. I trust that in the time since you have written this, you may have done some more research and have found a few answers as well.  Your question was in the question pool and didn't come to me directly, so it took some time to get the answer to you.

Your husband is dealing with an addiction and will need professional help in order to recover.  Online gaming is very addictive and also causes the addict to believe they have relationship with other people, when in fact they really don't.  It is a serious addiction and the worse it gets, the more time and money will be invested in it, whether the resources are there or not.

I would encourage you to get in touch with a local addictions counselor, tell them your circumstances and ask if an intervention would help.  It is best to get information from people who regularly deal with this field as they would have the best knowledge.

Although I realize that being in the military and getting counseling don't often reconcile together well, if you have the opportunity through a local Vet Center to get some counseling, it may help you. I'm not sure where you are located, but there are a few Vet Centers located throughout the country and you may be close to one.  

In these kinds of relationships, it takes two people...the one doing the behavior and the one who allows the behavior to continue.  If you have stayed in this relationship for 3 years and don't know if you could end it, there is a reason for that and it may help to process with an abuse counselor or an addictions counselor.  Addicts usually have what is called co-dependent relationships and what that means is there is someone who enables them to stay in their addictive behavior.
With an addict, they will most likely not be able to quit their addiction without rehabilitation.  The longer you enable his behavior, the longer the addiction will continue.  

Since you are the only one you have any control over in the relationship, you must decide where your boundaries are and what you will do if those boundaries are crossed.  If you don't want to live like this there are only a few alternatives; he changes, you leave or you stay and continue to exist in a worsening environment.  

The reality is that you CAN win.  You are the one with power in the relationship; you have a job, you can support yourself, you are making a future for yourself by going to school and you have the choices...he really does not.  If he has no job and no means of support, in all reality he is only able to engage in his addiction because you allow it.  Do you see that?  It doesn't matter how he twists and turns things, the reality is that you are an intelligent woman with a career and a future.  He is simply manipulating you so that you will enable his inappropriate behavior.  Addicts do that. They will do anything to maintain the addiction and he is telling you the truth when he says he needs his computer and it is life and death to him.  That is what he believes and that should indicate to you the depth of his addiction.

Once you start setting boundaries, he may say that he will change, but you must not listen to his words, you must see what he actually does.  An addicts words mean little, it is the action that they choose to engage in that will tell you the truth.  If he still has access to your bank account, you may want to reconsider that.  Right now, you are the one who can see reality and you need to act accordingly.  He cannot.  His emotions and view of reality are rooted in the addiction and in all reality, without rehabilitation that is where they will stay.  If he chooses not to get help, your options become limited to staying in the situation as is, or leaving.

If you choose to leave, you will need counseling, help and support.  Being a marine, I know you are a strong and courageous individual.  Call on that strength and do what you need to do to get your life back.  There are relatively few women who have been able to do what you have and I want you to know that is special.  You are not the average woman and you deserve better than this.  Believe in yourself and know that you are valuable, just because you breathe in and out.  Life is too short, you know?

I hope I have been able to support you and encourage you, even though the reality of this situation is not encouraging.  I really believe in you and know that you can make the right choices here, given good information.  Do some research on the subject of internet addiction and gaming addiction, co-dependency etc., see what your options are and then make the decisions that are right for you.  If you need some help with boundaries, there is a book called Boundaries written by Cloud and Townsend which is very good.

Blessings to you and if I can be of any further assistance to you, please feel free to contact me again.

Sincerely,  Kriss