Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/29/2009

Question
QUESTION: im a 17 year old girl and i have been with this guy for about a year now...me and him met last march at a movie theater and we had an instant connection. we became really good friends right away and we were really attracted to each other.. he isnt like most guys i usually go for, he is a jerk most of the time but when he shows his nice side he is the most amazing person i no. me and him have never actually committed to each other but we have been through just about everything together and icant picture myself with out him. i love him wth all my heart and i never want to loose him. how ever lately i  have been realizing that he might be mentally abusing me..he controls me and what i can and cant do. if i dont do something exactly the way he wants it he will yell at me and make me feel guilty. if we get in a fight he will blame everything on me and say its my fault for him being mad at me. he only says he loves me if he knows im really angry but he can never tell me why he loves me. he willl just ignore me if i ask why he lovees me. he looks thro my phone everytime we hang out to make sure im not texting anyone but him. a couple weeks ago he found a message from one of my guy friends and he flipped out. he threw my phone, screamed at me and left my house. ever since that night he wont forgive me and he treats me worse then ever. when we text or talk i can only talk about certain things without him getting mad. he will be nice one second and incredibly mean the next. he calls me dumb and ugly and worhtless and tell me he hates me at least 30 times a day and when itry and stick up for myself he laughs and calls me dumb.i have no self esteem and i dont think i can find anyone better than him.. all my friends see how much he hurts me and are telling me i should move on. i know i should move on but ifeel like he has me so brain washed that i cant even make the decision about leaving him or not. i no if i leave him he will call me a liar and say that i dont really love him. ive tried to talk to him about how he hurts me and he just somehow manages to turn it around and make me feel like im the one hurting him! i do everything i can to make him happy i do exactly what he says, dress how he wants and buy him wat ever he wants but he is never satisifed and always finds a reason to be mad at me.. i cant picture myself with out him in my life and i feel lost with out him. im scared to leave him because we have been through so much and im afraid he will be fine with out me. i no i shouldnt be with him but he is my first love and i dont want to loose him.. isthere anyway i can confront him about all the pain he causes me with out getting him angry?or should i just move on? and how do i move on when i have no self esteem?
please help i dont know what to do

ANSWER: Dear Mary,
There is so much pain that you are describing to me.  I understand how you feel and know what its like to believe that no one else will want you.  But Mary, I can also tell you that what you are believing is not true.  For 17, you are very articulate and you also must have some very caring friends who love you.  People don't stick around to support someone in crisis if they don't think that person is valuable.  

To answer your question, first, if it were me, I would move on.  This isn't about love, it is about respect and honor.  However, when we don't respect and honor ourselves, it is very hard to require someone else to, which is why you are having such a hard time leaving or putting a stop to the abuse.  I would strongly encourage you to find an abuse counselor, perhaps if you have a local Women's Center they could provide that service for you at no cost.  These counselors are able to help you find who you really are, grow into the strength God has given you and decide for yourself that you are worth more than to be treated with disrespect and dishonor.  

Mary, people are never 100% evil, there are good parts and not so good parts.  However, there is never a good reason to stay with someone who treats you badly.  The connection you feel with him is a hormone called PEA and will eventually subside.  He fits the profile of an abuser and if he is not willing to get help with these issues, resolve his anger and learn different ways of coping with conflict, this will not change.  You don't have to accept being treated badly just because there is a good side to this person.  We all have our good sides.

You haven't been brain washed, you have been conditioned and you are right, you can't make him happy by dressing or doing or buying or anything else.  He is unhappy and what he is unhappy about has nothing to do with you.  You are not going to be able to love him enough or do enough for him or be right enough or perfect enough to make him happy, because the problem is not in you, it is in him.  These kinds of relationships drain you of self esteem, inner strength and leave you feeling vulnerable, worthless and weak.  That is just the nature of them.  The longer you stay, the more inadequate you will feel.

You can continue to care about him, but care about him from a distance.  You do not deserve to be abused, but only you can do anything about it.  It sounds as though you have a support network of friends who are giving you good advice and will support you.  Rely on them and let them help you to find your way out and to find the help you need to move forward.

Many blessings Mary!  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: im sorry to bother you again.. but i was talking to david(the guy i told you about) and i told him how he was hurting me and he just made me feel like an idiot for even thinking that he treated me badly.. is this still abuse? should i just completely stop talking to him?.. he knows how to get inside my head and make me feel bad for even questioning our relationship and if i stick up for myself he threatens to leave me.i know i shouldnt be with him but i want him to realize how bad he has hurt me to try and make him change.. is it a waste of my time to try and change him when he wont even listen/ appolgize for hurting me?

Answer
Dear Mary,
What you are describing is part of the abusive behavior.  It is also the sign of a man who is not connected, doesn't want to listen and cannot empathize. Ignoring another person who is hurting, especially when we have hurt them is unkind and insensitive.

Yes, I'm sure he does know how to manipulate your feelings and if he threatens to leave you let him.  If he was interested in changing, he would, but you are not going to make him change. What you are verbalizing in regard to him realizing how bad he has hurt you is really what every woman wants.  Women want to be known and to be understood by their significant others.  It does not sound like David is able to do that or wants to do that.  His actions are showing you that.

Yes, it is a waste of time to try to change him.  Change needs to come from a desire on the inside, not from the outside in.  I don't know him, but in general, abusers do not generally see things from someone else's point of view.  They don't empathize and they use people to get what they want.  If they don't get it, they get upset and use what they know to control their victim.  

Mary, I strongly encourage you to get some abuse counseling.  This guy is turning you inside out and it is not right for him to do so.  You need healing and someone to stand by your side and support you.  If it were me, I would walk away and not look back.  I believe you are expecting something of David that he is not able to provide without professional help himself.  If he won't listen to you, just walk away.  You need someone who will love you, care for you and consider you precious.  I don't think he fits that description.

Many blessings,
Kriss
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