Expert: David Simonsen - 1/31/2009

Question
I have been married for 21 years.  I have 2 children ages 9 and 7.  My husband has been unemployed for almost a year.  About 4 months ago, I found out my husband had a $6000 loan out in his name without talking to me about it.  Almost 3 months ago, I found out my husband has been taking our children's savings bonds and cashing them.  When I asked him about the bonds he first denied taking them until I pointed out that no one else could get into the safe deposit box at the bank.  He told me that he had only been taking them since he became unemployed. I have found out since then that he has been taking the bonds for 2 years before he became unemployed.  About 2 weeks ago, I found out that he has not been completely truthful with me about his unemployment benefits. I found out by asking to see his bank statements not by him telling me.  I am very tired of these money games.  These examples are not the 1st times he has kept secrets from me about money.   Even when he was working, he provided a portion of his pay check to the home but taking care of the bills was my reasonability.  I think we need to separate because I don't believe he can be trusted with money and I am tired of supporting him.  I don't want to be his wife and I know he will deceive me again.  However when I say I think we need to split, that I will never forget that he stole from our children, he says that it will never happen again, he will pay back the money, will I at least try, will I give him a chance.  I feel guilty and horrible that I don't want to give him a chance.  How do I know when it is worth another chance and when it is time to get out?  How do I deal with the guilt of wanting to separate?  What will I tell the children?  I still want him to be involved in the children's lives.  I believe he loves them but he is selfish.

Answer
Janice,
I agree he is untrustworthy. You can separate if you like and you could give him another chance. If you choose to give another chance then I suggest the following. EVERYTHING related to finances needs to have his name taken off of it. He should have NO access to banking things, checkbooks, deeds, mortgages, home equity loans. You get my idea right? Have you asked what he is doing with this money. I would assume he is feeding some type of addiction. This is why it probably won't stop and you need to put EVERYTHING in your name.
David
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