Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/22/2009

Question
QUESTION: I  am  a 42 year old man who dated a 38 year old women.
She said she wanted to marry me but once she new I loved
her she left me. Found out she does this every relationship
How do you combat a person like this. She gains a sense of
power from abusing others. She is an alcohiolic who once
left me  went back to drinking,over eating,and having sex
with  men in bar's. We met in a  run club she is also
a  compulsive  racer,as well as  a constant  traveler.
thank you

ANSWER: Dear John,
This sounds like a very hurtful relationship to have been in and I can understand your confusion.  When someone doesn't make sense, it can be very difficult to trust them.

You asked the question, how do you combat a person like this?  My question would be is there a reason you would want to?  Relationships with addicts don't work well, to say the least.  It sounds as though she has an addictive personality and is struggling with more than one addiction here.  As long as the addiction is in control, she will not be trustworthy or reliable.

Unless she reaches the point where she wants help and is willing to do the work with a professional to address the issues in her life that compel her to addiction, there is not much you can do.  Recovery requires commitment long term and as much as other people might want the addict to recover, it will only happen if they themselves want it just as much.  

You are not in a position to save her.  You can encourage her and support any efforts she makes towards rehabilitation, but she is ultimately in control of her life.

I hope this has answered your question.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much for your kindness. The reason I asked
how to combat such an individual is that for the Holidays
I found myself at a party with her. I was at  the other
end on  the room, she was giving me dirty looks, gulping
her drinks,and trying  to pick up boys , 20 years
her junior. How do I let her feel like she  has  the least
amount  of power over me. Other than avoiding her at
all cost. How do I  make her feel she has not hurt me.Thank
you very much. Many blessing  to you

Answer
Dear John,
Thank you for writing again.  Often the best way to deal with these kinds of issues is to find a counselor, a pastor or a good friend who can help you process through the feelings that you have.  What you are trying to do is cover up the the truth, which is that she has hurt you and that you still have feelings for her.  Unless you deal with those issues that still hook you and give her power over you, you will not be dealing with her or yourself in honesty.

The most power comes from a place of truth and healing.  Imagine what it would be like to attend a party where if you see her you truly are unaffected rather than just pretending to be unaffected!  The most helpless place in life is coming from a place of weakness that you are trying to cover up.  I encourage you to really work on your own self esteem and how that hooks you into believing she has power over you as well as how her behavior causes you to doubt yourself and your own self worth.  

I hope this has helped John.  The best defense is a strong offense.  Take the offensive and work on yourself.  You will find that coming from a healthier emotional position will make a huge difference in how you are affected by her.

Many blessings,  Kriss