Expert: Nafeesah - 1/22/2009

Question
QUESTION: good evening nafeesah,
i clocked 22 years of age last september.
i am a university graduate. i graduated 2 years ago.and i
am completing my one year compulsory youth service to the
government this month. i work in a bank.
i had a very perfect relationship with some guy while i was
in the university but he broke up with me and impregnated
another girl.so on the verge of my healing and all that, i
deecided to start a new relationship with my current
boyfriend.we have been together now for two years.he was
very nice, caring and all i wanted, emotionally.physically,
he wasnt even so attractive.but i chose to love him from
within.
along the line, he started doing well and making money. and
then he started physically abusing me.this started sometime
in april, 2008. he first began to hit me against the
wall.then pulling my hair like he wanted to uproot them.
then he would beat me till i run a high temperature and get
weak. sometime around july, he stabbed me with a bottle in
my lower buttock in the middle of the night.i was rushed to
the hospital.he promised to change but he hasnt.he has gone
worse.he beats me.threatens to drop me off on motor
highways, tells me he will injure me.
our arguements ensue cos he accusses me of cheating.though
i am not denying th fact that i and my ex that dumped me
still call each other.but i do so cos im not happy with my
present boyfriend but my ex never gives me stress.we havent
seen each other in a year but he gives me encouragement to
carry on in life.
my boyfriend has gone to the extent of humuliating me and
my family. he talks to me anyhow.says phrases that hurt
me.and i try to be good to him.i clean the house, wash his
clothes, cook him food, if he needs money, i go and borrow
for him.he even disvirgined me.
i have now become a depresses person. i cry alone, when im
in commercial buses or even walking alone, im always lost
in my thoughts and crying.i now have a very low self
esteem. i have gained weight anddbecome almost twice my
size even though im so depressed that i might not eat for 2
days.i cant concentrate at work.i dont even believe in
myself anymore.i was the 2nd best female in my department
while i was in school. but now, he makes me think i cant do
anything good on my own.i dont have friends anymore.im
kinda trapped!
i want to get out but i dont know how to start.
i live in his house cos i dont hav enough money and my
parents depend on me.so im scared to run away from him cos
i dont know if i will be able to face life on my own.
i have never really known what happiness feels like all my
life.even as a child, no one liked me at home.it was hell
growing up.
and i think my life is too short.i want to be happy even if
its for a short while.i also want to be around people that
love me.
how do i do this? are there people who are willing to love
me unconditionally?

ANSWER: I would start by moving out of this guy's house and back home with your parents. Getting out of the environment is the first start to healing from an abusive relationship. You stayed too long and it's time to leave and you should see a boost in your self esteem. I did that with someone I was with for 5 years and wen I left him my weight came down and my self esteem improved. Start with clearing your life of this guy and you'll see a change in yourself that's positive and when you are confident you'll attract people who will treat you good. When I stopped dating for 2 years I ended up reconnecting with a guy I was best friends with in grade school after 10 years of not seeing or talking to him. I realized after cutting off my abusive boyfriend that it improved my life and this guy I am talking to again cared about me unconditionally then and now. Tell yourself that you deserve better because the first part of healing is to heal yourself by telling yourself you deserve better than an abusive prick. The abuse will only continue if you stay in that relationship get out while the getting's good.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you nafeesah
im so encouraged by your advise.
but i cant move back to my parents' house
cos my parents are seperated
and its only my dad at home
and my dad's house is in another state while i work in
another state which is four hours drive away...
and he is quite abusive too
so what do you suggest i do pending the time i will be able
to get my own house?  

Answer
Do you have friends you can move in with or ones that need roommates that's an option for you. I would try that since you can save up money to get your own place. Get your own place and put up flyers at the school to see if there are other students on campus who need a place and are looking for a roommate to save on rent and bills. Give that a try and see if that works, but I still would move out and get a temporary space or your own place so you don't have to deal with the abuse anymore.