Expert: David Simonsen - 10/29/2009

Question
I have been in an abusive relationship for the past 7 years now. I didnt know it in the begining but as I look back now it is very clear.  My husband of 5 years now has always had a explosive temper and would say the most cruel, degrading and hurtfull things to me when we would argue. At first I responded with anger in return, but I found it only made matters worse.  He is very dr jeckel/ mr hyde. Everyone veiws him as wonderful, he is not a drinker or drug user. He is a very hard worker with a great stable job ect.. Yet to me he is a nightmare when he is mad. He has slaped me twice saying I was running my mouth and to this day has no remorse for it. He has shoved me, drug me through the house by my foot. He always tells me to leave or get out but when I try he stops me.  Well to make matters worse a few years ago we decided to move, My job was to demanding on our relationship and he felt (I was hopeful) that it would improve if we moved out of state (away from our familys). It did however improve. It was better then ever so we decided to expand our family. Now we have a child who is 15 mo.  We moved back to our old house when I was 5mo pregnent and it all started again, not as bad but after our son was born I developed post partum depression and my son had severe colic for 4 1/2 months so needles to say it was alot of stress. Everything got worse from there on out. I never did enough around the house or had his dinner ready when he wanted it. I was fat (which in no way am I) lazy, stupid, He told me I would have nothing without him (also very wrong). Then he told me to go back to work because he wanted me too. So I did. Right after I started back to work (a very good high paying job) he told me to quit because he wanted me home and now it was my decision to work so anything that wasnt done was my fault because I wanted to work.  So now I am staying with my parrents whom he now hates and has tried for years to isolate me from due to his anger issues. I am starting the process for divorce and custody and now he is asking me if it is worth it to me. Trying to get me back and I am am an emotional wreck. I dont show it to everyone but I never wanted to be divorced, a single mother ect.. I think about the good times and it saddens me to no end, but this is repete behavior and I cant take his abuse any longer. He always tells me I make him this way or I provoke him but anymore I walk on egg shells around him and avoid him and his comments. I keep hoping there is a chance he can change but his father did this to his mother. His family has told me stories that he doesn't know. He remembers his mother being (physco). She passed away when he was 16 and they wernt on the best of terms. He belives it was her but in all actuality he never remembered the things his father did to make her that way. So I feel there is no hope and I guess I just need to hear from someone who might know the odds of a abusive person changing.

Thank You for the advice

Answer
K,
He won't change. It seems enough has happened that would have caused change in his life already. I think you should stay with your parents and raise your child. PLEASE don't start dating. The chances are you will find another abusive person like this. You could let your husband know what he needs to do to change and then see what he does. If he doesn't then you have your answer.
David
www.help4life.net