AboutNafeesah Expertise I can answer just about anything on abusive relationships, but I can't give legal advice on how to get out of one that's something you need to speak with a counselor trained and certified to deal with domestic violence issues to get resources in pursuing legal recourse.
Experience I have been in abusive relationships and I have shared my experience in helping others to get out of these types of relationships. I was in two abusive relationships one lasting nearly 2 years and the other just over 5 years.
Education/Credentials Associates degree, bachelors degree, and I am a certified nursing assistant
Question Help! feel like I'm going crazy... I have been married for ten years, but currently separated, she left about seven weeks ago. my wife tells me that our separation is my fault and that she has been a good and loving wife and mother. some background when I meet my wife she would tell me how horrible and abusive her mother was, all the while her mother and sister would disagree with my wifes perception of the things that she said happened. but my wife constantly made a villain out of her mother and made herself a victim. ten years later I find myself in that same role. My wife has hit me in the chest hard and when I laid down on the bed hit me with a shoe. I feel this is physical abuse, however she says it is not. she would grab my daughter (from a pervious marriage)by both arms bend over and put her face in my daughters face and yell at with clinched teeth. she would talk to my daughter like a dog and tell her speak child speak! I feel this was abusive, my wife dose not. My wife one evening got upset and began to scream out over and over that my daughters mother was a whore and slut, with my child in the house. she thinks this was not a problem, I do. My wife would yell at me and I would sit in my chair and tell please stop yelling at me, just stop, if I tried to walk away she would follow me throughout the house, around the yard (two acers)once pinning me in the furthest corner of the yard, I felt like a trapped rat, she would stand in front of my truck if I tried to leave the house. this was after two different marriage councilors told her not to do that. I have a heart condition, my doctors told me to take it easy and not to get stressed out, my wife would start screaming at me, I would literality would beg my wife to stop screaming at me, and tell her I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack, she wouldn't stop. I feel this was emotional abuse, she said it was not. over a four year period my wife ran up thousands of dollars on credit card, that I knew nothing about, when I found out about the credit cards, she swore she would never do it again. she did time and time again. when I started to ask if she was paying the bill or how much she was sending to the credit card, she started calling me economically abusive. was that being abusive? I feel like she is the one that was putting the families financial health at risk. My wife went to every member of my family at one time or another (including my ex-wife of all people)and trashed and villainies me while making herself a total victim. never talking to them about any responsibilities she may have had. I'm not a perfect person, but I own my actions. my wife feels like she can do no wrong, and if she dose do something wrong she just denies it. she constantly will say I am a good person I know I am a good person. I don't know if she is trying to convince me or herself, I think the later. I feel like I have emotionally abused by my wife by tearing me down and telling my family and friends an edited version of an incident, to meet her needs. unbeknown to me my wife was talking too and meeting for lunch and coffee with an ex-boyfriend for two years(had his name under KIM on her phone) when I found out she said she did nothing wrong because they are just friends, I think it was very wrong! in fact I asked her if it was me would you have divorced me? she answered probably. She has an uncanny ability to rationalize anything she dose and make it ok. I can't trust anything she says, she lies about everything, I don't understand it. she tells me she loves me and has adored me for ten years, but how can you say you loved and adored someone for ten years and do the things she has done? well the answer for her is she has always been a good wife and mother, I go crazy trying to understand her! how can a person just flat out refuse too recognize any and all fault? about six months ago my wife started working a second job as a bartender to pay for (what else) more credit card bills. her decision not mine, although she told my ex-wife that I made her get the job, even though I didn't even know about the job until she already had the job. anyway as I stated she left about seven weeks ago and I found out she started calling and texting another Man within one day of leaving our family, she says she has done nothing wrong,because he is just a friend she meet at the bar. I know in a short period of time she started giving out her cell number to other men, again just friends according to her. She has always told me that she loves my daughter as if she gave birth too her herself, yet she has called her once for less than 3 mins in the last seven weeks. I'm not a stupid man, I think my wife started working at this bar and liked the attention she was getting,and the fun of being out of the house with people that are having fun, I've seen it happen a thousand times before, and they end up regretting the decision they make. but it breaks my heart, because I do love my wife very much. I just can't understand why she feels the need to trash me to try justify to herself and others why she feel into this situation, by the way, her new best friend works with her in the bar and just got a divorce a few months ago. (misery loves company)anyway I know I am all over the place. My questions are! am I crazy or overreacting? or do you see abuse,and if so what kind abuse do you see from my wife? do you feel I have a case for feeling betrayed by my wife for the trashing to my family and the Ex? and how about the men after she left? keeping in mind, at the time she was still spending the night with me from time to time. My friends and family tell me to run not walk out of this marriage, and I think that they are correct, however I think I am still in love with the woman I married, and am having a hard understanding that she is no longer that person, and that is so disappointing to me. lastly My wifes mother is bipolar,I've told my wife that I feel that she may be afflicted as well, she became very very upset. I just wonder if this could explain her inability to except and blame for anything, and her need to be the good person and a victim? thank you so much for being there.
Answer One your family and friends are noble to try and help, but this does not involve them and they need to stay out of this. Part of why problems seem to worsen on top of the situation is the interference with friends and family giving their two cents. Clearly your wife has been abusing you and it seems as if she's picked this up from her upbringing that this is normal. The fact that you got left to raise your daughter and she claims she loves here doesnt add up. If she's been giving out her phone number to other men it's clear where things are going at this point and it's time for you to make some decisions here for not only yourself, but what's best for your child. If she's making excuses for her behavior that's typical of someone with abusive tendencies to try and steer things on you or other factors around you. BiPolar Disorder is actually hereditary and the fact that she's showing signs with the mood swings and you learned that your mother in law has it. I would actually sit down and decide whether you want to stay or not since mental illness is a challenge to deal with and people with bipolar disorder tend to work well when on medication and appropriate therapy. Yet your wife will deny having a problem and until she decides to be honest with herself there's nothing you can do about her abusive tendencies except to take your child and move on so she won't have to witness this kind of behavior and pray she doesnt inherit this mental illness either since its passed down from generation to generation. Family history will determine if your daughter is prone to this problem and have her checked so you can see what the likelihood of her developing the problem at some point when she's older.
