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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Abusive Relationships > Drug Addiction
Expert: Azure - 10/29/2009
Question
Hello,
My relationship with my now ex-boyfriend began last year. I met him at the gym I workout at, he is a personal trainer. We both were in relationships but mine was on the out and out and my then boyfriend knew how I felt. (S) and I began hanging out a lot and I viewed it just as fun and nothing serious because he had 3 children by 2 different women, had a girlfriend (which I only found out after I told him I had a boyfriend) and was still legally bound to his ex-wife, lived at his mother's house for the past 3 years, was taking steroids via needles, cocaine (an 8-ball at a time) and smoking weed daily all day long, had no money because he spent it all on himself(drug habit) and had bad anger/depression issues. But his looks, sexual side, sense of humor and non-judgemental attitude attracted me to him even more despite all his issues. His girlfriend broke up with him about 4 months after we met and I moved out of the condo I was living with my then boyfriend in around the same time. All of a sudden I was spending every free minute I had with him and giving him money and letting him stay at my house almost everynight and encouraging him to do better with his life. He would tell me he loved me and if I ever wanted some air or to be alone he'd freak out and cry and tell me I was the one for him. He said that I was the only one who really understood him and he made me feel like no one else ever has. I told him that in order to be close to him he had to get off the drugs & I eventually he did except for the weed. He blamed alot of his angry outbursts on his depression which he wouldn't take any medication for. I really tried to get through to him that he needed to get his life together in order to stay with me and he said he would but I would end up just paying for everything and feeling so used. Anyway this went on back and forth for about 6 more months until recently I just stopped answering his calls, changed my locks and completely shut down. He's left me message after message saying he's worried about me and to not do this to him but I feel like if I talk to him he'll convince me to continue seeing him. I feel really bad for him and I feel like he really loves me and cares for me. He would always tell me how kind I am and that I inspire him to do better. What can I do to help myself get over him and stop this cycle? Is it normal for a drug addict to make someone feel so loved and to do stuff they normally wouldn't do? I keep having these feelings of hopelessness, like the only person that would love me like he did is someone with a lot of problems:( Any advice will help.
Thanks,
Stephanie
PS. A little information about me, I am 23, am very independent, have had only 2 serious relationships, take care of my body, consider myself very healthy, I work full time in accounting and am graduating from college this fall.
Answer
your mistake was getting involved, getting him dependent on you (like another drug), instead of requirng him to make the necessary changes PRIOR to any involvement beyond a friendship; at this point, your only option is to continue the no comunication arrangement unless/until you rid yourself of all romantic emotions/feelings and have refocused on meeting/dating others...as to whether his behavior was "normal", depends on how you define it...he acted upon his feelings, same as you...
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