Expert: Azure - 10/16/2009

Question
I have been married for nearly 11 years to a man that is very hard to figure out.  For years I have known that he "Tells me what I want to hear."  But now we are having some severe marital issues, and therefore I have taken it upon myself to snoop.  The things that I have uncovered are blowing me away!  He doesn't lie 100% of the time, however, he lies about things that don't make any sense.....things that I don't perceive to matter all that much.  He has 2 friends that he goes to lunch with about once per month.  There have never been trust issues about his lunch friends (one male and one female), and I have never thought that he was having an affair. But now I am wondering.  I noticed a week ago that he had been e-mailing on a pretty regular basis to the woman.  I noticed she had sent a message advising that her mother was very ill.  He responded to the message and asked if there was anything he could do to help...it all seems very normal...however, out of the blue yesterday (a week after the e-mail exchange) he says to me:  "Bill told me that Joanne's mother had passed away!"  I responded with the fact that that was very sad, and I asked if he had known about the illness.  He says "No, I had no idea, haven't spoken to her for weeks!  It is such a suprise, and very sad."  I then gave him another chance to tell the truth by saying, "Wow, that is strange that she wouldn't have shared about her mom, as you are such good friends, have known each other for so long...maybe she felt it was private."  He then added "Yeah, I don't know, but I didn't have any idea what was going on!"  OK.....So, if he is going to lie about this sort of thing, is he lying about very important things as well?  And is our whole marriage based on a lie?  I have wanted to confront him, however, I am afraid to.  I believe that I will get a story on top of the story, or he will turn it on me, as I discovered the lie by snooping. He has a way of turning everything around on me, and I end up feeling like an idiot, or just plain crazy.  We have had some issues where I have asked what I thought were normal questions, and he just freaked out on me....throwing the imaginary daggers at me, to the point that I was a wreck.  The other thing is that he tells me things that I know are just plain not true.  He had someone on his facebook, and it is a woman that he has told me time and time again that he cannot stand, thinks she is a trouble maker, etc.  But then she shows up on his facebook home page...I asked why he would have accepted her friend request if he didn't like her...he advised that he did not, she just sent a message and she is automatically on his facebook...he went on and on about it, advised he would delete her, etc.  He made a really nice effort to make it look genuine..but it just felt like bs.  Well, through my snooping I noticed she has sent another friend request.....of which, he has not told me about and when I ask if he has had any contact with her, he says he has had absolutely no contact, and likes it that way......OMG!!!!!!!!!!!  We are on the cusp of divorce, and I am afraid of his emotionally abusive ways.  I am afraid to confront him, I know if I ask questions I will get lies as answers....but maybe not entirely.  Am I crazy?????  He leads this strange chaotic life, he admits to being a bs-er.  He has lied on his resume, and obviously he has lied to me.  The thing that gets me is that he HATES liars himself.  He has stated more than once that he will not stand for any type of deception, and in marriage it is a deal breaker for him.....he always says "I am a pretty easy going guy...there are only 3 things that I won't stand in a relationship:  Lying/Deception, Cheating and Illegal Drugs!"  I am so confused I can't put it into words.  He tells me he loves me, acts as if everything is normal and o.k.  But it isn't.  I guess the lying has been going on for so long that it IS normal for him.  The problem that I have now is that I do not feel the same about him any longer.  I have absolutely no respect, nor can I trust him at all.  Our marriage is over.

Answer
you've pretty much answered your own questions---his lying, most probably cheating, your invading his privacy--nothing healthy here; you can try discussion, but as you inferred, he's a pro in knowing how to deflect whatever you bring up; you can REQUIRE that it's couples counseling or it's over--once he refuses, the next talk is with your attorney..