Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 10/28/2009

Question
I knew my current husband 1 1/2 year ago online after the traumatic death of my father and brother.We were in a relation for 10 months and got married.We are from totally different backgrounds and casts. He and his family used to say that I belong to a high status family and even I am more educated and that also from west and the same was my families response that it is not a good match but we loved each other to death so we got married against all odds.from the wedding, we were attacked by his family and out of respect we used to be quite.even my sister and brother-in-law tried to mend things but that didn't work out.we tried whatever we can but all was going in the wrong direction.Slowly my husband started to say that he will meet his family without me as they say a lot and then we have a fight because of them. I started to be away from them but whenever he will go, he will be upset and wont give me any love/affection.he used to spend more time with them then with me and started to verbally abuse me like his family. no matter what will happen, he will make me feel responsible even if there is a storm in the city, it is because of me.I fad up with it and asked for separation. he did leave me alone as he was living in my apartment which I used to feel was ours not mine.his family started to ask for money that they spend on his education saying that it was inheritance money.they started asking him that he should live on my income only as I was earning better than him.After some time of separation, he contacted me and on our meeting tried to hurt me more emotionally but whenever he will abuse me verbally, later he will hug me and will say sorry and I used to forget about everything else.he didnt come back to the house and was with a friend.in between we went out and stayed in a hotel to spend sometime together.all of a sudden he bursted into anger and said very bad words and things and even threw things (he used to do it even earlier and later). we got separated again and were reunited by a therapist I saw and he asked me to bring him for therapy.things started to get better after 2 sessions and we were living together again. he started to be mysterious again, will be mad over the smallest things but good that by that time I have learned to avoid arguments as I didnt want to have fights all the time and I didnt see it as a child. For him, his father used to beat his mother and they used to fight from morning till night. he told me that he didnt like that thing and I tried that we wont go through that. he also used to lie to me about even trivial things and later he accepted that he is manipulative as this was how he survived in his family. after I have started to avoid fights, we were fine but he started to get irritated bu the fact that I am acting so normal no matter what he does. one day he started with the same thing, I ignored, he started another thing and then the 1st thing again. then he started using very bad and abusive curses to me and started beating me. all this happened on the road and then he left me alone on the road. with the help of my neighbor, i reached home where he was waiting to beat me more. I didnt let him in and was taken to emergency for treatment.he called my family saying that i never wanted to save my marriage and was beating him so he started to beat me. for me it is all still a shock, i cant believe he did it. i am missing him a lot and have started to think that what was the worst that could have happened, he would have killed me so what, I would have loved to die in his arms...I am lost...everyone is telling me that it has been an abusive relationship and a mismatch but I love him to an extent that I can die with him for him...sometimes I feel it is better it happened when we didnt have kids because if our kids would have witnessed this, they would have been abusive too. I dont know what I should do, can you please help me.

Answer
Dear Kushboo,

Greetings!

I appreciate that you wrote a  detailed mail.Kushboo there is hope  for a happy  future for you!

I  do not  wish to suggest  separation or divorce for you  at this scenario.It seems to me,if not  too early, that you   need  some  psycho-therapy sessions to  arrive at a constructive decision with regard to this unhealthy relationship that you have been suffering.I  suggest this because  you  need to be made  mentally strong first before guiding   you  in to  any  process.

If you are sure that you need  my guidance further you may contact  through

outreach.matters@gmail.com

Have  a nice day

-Dr.Sunu