Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 10/6/2009

Question
I have been married for 5 years. This is my second marriage. I have a child from my first marriage and one from my current marriage. When I first met my husband he swept me off my feet. He was so sweet and got along wonderfully with my son. We dated for 3 year before we married. We had normal ups and downs while dating but nothing like I experience now. Not long after the birth of our daughter it all changed. He makes fun of me jokingly but goes overboard and hurts my feelings. Flirts openly w/ other women after I have asked him not to. - feel like I'm walking on eggshells I contemplate breaking bad news to him and how to. He accuses me of cheating constantly and has no reason to. He knows where I am at all times and if I don't answer my cell when he calls he flips out and make more false accusations. He will tell me he knows I want out of the marriage. He will say things and then deny the statement or say I said it. When he wants sex he gropes or ask in an inappropriate way. I have asked him not to do this but he still does. We have sex often 6 days a week when possible. If for some reason I'm too tired or not feeling well and I decline or we are not intimate for more than 2 days he pulls the cheating card again! He makes me feel like I'm loosing my mind! He still has his moments where is he's sorry and is very loving but that doesn't seem to last long.  Its very difficult because there is no physical proof of abuse but there are still wounds! Is this mental and emotional abuse?
Thanks

Answer
Dear Maria,
Yes, this is mental and emotional abuse.  It is also manipulation and control.  This kind of abuse is one of the most difficult to prove legally and there are very few laws against it, but even so, it does qualify as abuse.

As with any kind of abuse, the way to stop it is through the enforcement of boundaries.  Violation of those boundaries must have enforceable consequences.  Basically that means you need to figure out what you will put up with and what you won't.  In the beginning, any boundary you set will be crossed so you need to decide what the consequences will be and how you will enforce those consequences.  If he escalates or refuses to honor your boundaries, you have very few choices.  No one can live for any length of time under control, manipulation and/or sexual insensitivity.  

If your husband would choose to get help, commit to whatever time period it would take to turn his life around and do the work necessary, there would be some hope here.  Under any behavior like this are deep wounds which produce the behavior.  Where the rubber meets the road is if the person is committed to doing anything to significantly change.  It makes little difference to just say they will, you need committed, long term action.....you need him to put feet to his words, in other words.

If you need help in establishing your boundaries, check with your local women's center or domestic violence organization.  I'm not sure if you are in an area that has one, but usually they offer abuse counseling and resources at little to no cost.  If that is not a resource for you, Cloud and Townsend have put out a very good book called Boundaries.  It will help you identify appropriate boundaries and give you help in developing consequences.

I hope this has answered your questions.  You are in a difficult position, but you have to follow your gut instincts.  Check out a website called www.bpdcentral.org and see if any of the things listed there correspond to your situation.  Before you look at anything else, check down the left side of the page and under "Resources" click on Basics of BPD and then on the right side, click "Indicators".  This is a list of questions that give you a pretty good indication whether you are in a relationship with someone who has this disorder.

I can't say this is what you are dealing with, but several things you said were congruent with what individuals who are in relationships with these folks say.  I wish you well, and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings, Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com