Expert: David Simonsen - 10/20/2009

Question
I feel pretty sad and lost wrighting this. My partner and I have been together for ova six years now. We dont live together due to us both having children from previous relationships, hes a solo dad. We rent a house across the road from him, was happy with this as I have three working daughters, two still living with me. Everything worked well, for a few years. We had family dinners at his house, special Sun ones for all family. Lots of fun times, partys, bbq nights etc. We did drink several nights a week, smoked and I worked so enjoyed having my own home to spend several nights at. We had our usual ups and downs and upsets, so I just came home to let things settle when I had to. Anyway we started drinking a bit more over time,and he showed a very nasty side. Not to me but to others. We were best friends then, never had many upsets. One big one was when I found myself pregnant, wow, he lost the plot. I had a week to deside to abort, diddnt want to but he was so not into a child I diddnt see it being a loving place to bring a child into so I agreed. He said it was for best, we were to old and we already had children. Anyways life carried on, happy as.... untill his daughter got Cancer. Life as we new it stopped, she passed away three months into cemo. Lost his dad just before. I lost my job, a week later, then the following week found out I had a auto amuine disease, which I am really struggling with. Three months later he had a heart attack. We had taken up a lot of drinking and smoking by this stage so we had to stop over night. Not a prob for me, I love my man. He found it very hard, hard to deal with everything, was depressed and so so angry for losing his daughter. I did everything for him, I gave up my whole being to support, help and try and make things better. He had his triple by pass three months after his attack. He was lucky, came through well. I spent every night looking after him and rarely went home. Time went on, we started getting life back together, friends came for t etc. We started having a wine.. felt great to drink again.He wanted to spread daughters ashes at aniversery date which became a big build up, lots of drinking nights, lots of input and lots of nasty feelings regarding how she died. He was still sad not being able to smoke. We got back into our rotuine again, friends, family , bbq, drinks etc. This was when our problems started. He had a drink and got abusive, not to me at first, but became me resently. He started saying hurtfull things to my daughters, so much so they wouldnt even talk to him, which became a big problem. He got nastier and meaner every time we drunk. With friends over even. I felt so bad, it got to the stage all I could do was cry. Even before he said anything cause I could tell he was about to start. Then he got physical one night, hit me with a pillow over backwards. He told my girls I was losing it, was was making stuff up, doing and saying weird things. Told his family I was having a breakdown. Caused upsets every week so I just came home every time. Made up went back to do again the next week. I beleived I was the one with the problem, he told me so many times, even got his mate to back him up. Wow I thort I was sick. I was cause I beleived him. The last time I saw him, near four weeks ago, we had his sister over for drinks. He started saying nasty things at her after a few, couldnt beleive it, she diddnt either. I burst into tears again, he diddnt care. She told him off, he got worse, she left then he started at me. Ended up me going to leave as usual but this time he wouldnt let me take something, so we had a struggle. Next thing Im on my back on floor. I left, he came over, said sorry but it was my fault basicilly. I went inside and havent seen him since. He really hurt me, the bruise and  the sore leg, ( I have a joint disease so carefull not to hurt myself) he distroyed my everything. I have no idea what to do, half my belongings are at his house so he knows I will have to go over. His sister rung and told me lots of stuff I diddnt know about his ex, mother of kids. He made her nuts, had a breakdown and wouldnt let her have kids. She told me its him, not me. Wow.... what do I do. I still love him but cant carry on with this abuse, so much has happened in the last year and I dont know if I am overreacting or just give him some time alone to deal with his feelings.How did life get to this??

Answer
Maire,
You are stuck in a cyclically abusive relationship. You say you love him, but I would say it is love because of fear and desperation. Even if he deals with his feelings you can't be guaranteed that he will not go back to doing that abuse stuff again. It seems that he has some emotional problems to deal with. I would suggest that until he deals with it you should not be with him. You should focus on your own stuff and get healed and not focus on him. The more you focus on him the less you will be able to actually move forward in your own life. Moving on in your own life is important to you and your children. Figuring this guy out should not be high on your priority list.
David
www.help4life.net