Expert: David Simonsen - 10/2/2009

Question
Can you offer any advice on how to deal with an emotional abusing partner. I can not leave the home right now...He uses bad language, calls me names, says every fight is because of me. He says he used to be a nice guy til me and my children made him mean. He blames me for everything that goes wrong. If he misplaces paperwork he will insist I did something with it...moved it whatever. He refuses to even look, curses me and says i need to remember what I did with it. Last night his vehicle had a dead battery, and he accused me of leaving the key on.....and I hadnt used or even been near the vehicle. Anything else going on in his life gets him angry at me, and hes now blaming me because his ex wife will only let him visit his daughter during supervised sessions with their counselor. If hes mad he wont say goodbye when I go to work....he will come into a room where Im at, see me, and pointedly walk right out. I could go on and on but whats the point. Oh...he tells me and anyone who will listen what a great guy he is, always so well liked and successful. Alot of people who dont know him would probably agree. Hes quite charming in public, even his voice is different. We went to a couple of counseling sessions with a doctor I really liked, but I was afraid to say anything in front of him and he told her how my teenage son was such a problem child. (same child does well in school, and never has problems with teachers or other children) He likes to get me alone and rage on and on about whats wrong with me and I am need advice. Thank you for your time, and Im sorry to ramble on and on.

Answer
Danielle,
You can't say you can't leave home and then give me an impossible question to answer. Of course you need to leave, even if you have to go to a shelter. There is TOO much potential for violence to you or your children. Plus, you are letting your children experience abuse at the hands of someone who isn't even related to them. What does that make them think of you? If you are going to refuse to move then you simply need to start thinking of this as a roommate situation. You guys are not in love, you are simply tolerating one another. I would suggest you stop having sex, stop sleeping in the same bed. Start treating this like a roommate. Maybe he will then leave or an opportunity will arise so you can leave. You had to have known he was a bit like this before you moved in with him. So that would make me think that you need to get some individual counseling to figure out why you picked a guy like this. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids so they don't end up in another situation like this with you.
David
www.help4life.net