Expert: David Simonsen - 10/9/2009

Question
I have been married to this man almost 4 years. I am 40 yrs. old. 2 teenagers,boy & girl. kids are from previous, my new husband has no children, present age 39. I had been single for 13 yrs. had 1 year left of college, a good paying job, a home, really had it made but still missed that piece of puzzle to make my and my kids life complete.a father figure, and a loving husband. I was ready to commit. (took me 13 years to find myself to love another).We lived on the coast of georgia, 1 mile from beach,couldnt have been better. I meet my husband in daytona,fl. at bike week. He grabbed my heart, like i had never felt before, that was in march. My husband lived in the sticks of Tennessee. 20 yrs. of a journeylineman, seemed like he had it together. We got married in April. I new he liked to drink, but couldnt see how much. He always stayed outside, and covered his drunkenness very well. Me and my kids still today have no friends, nor family, were alone. He isthe most inconsiderate person i have ever known. He comes home from work, sees me for 5 minutes every day, and goes to see his dad,for 2,3, hours at a time. And is drunk. I handle the bills, i do not work, cannot finish school, he makes to much money and says he wont pay my tuition.All the bills, including house that we bought, down to the bank account are in his name. I have begged to please atleast put me on the account, my child support goes in it. I get yelled at if theres not enough money. so now he just puts enough in the bank to barely pay bills. We never go anywhere. On weekends he starts drinking around 7 a.m. till around 2 P.M. comes in and sleeps till around 10 p.m. to sit and watch necked women. He also drinks a 12 pk everyday afterwork within 6 hrs. Weekend 2 cases and bottles of smirnoffs, bottles of whiskey, and moonshine from his dad.  This is what all he drinks. We dont go anywhere because hes been drinking he says.We did go to daytona this past year, and he was so drunk the whole time, he even yelled to the crowed for anybody to buy his wife, she`s forsale, humiliation to the max. Never has done anything with my kids, except to tell that what ungrateful they are. I have realized the only time he is sober is when he goes to work, you would think i could atleast visit with him on a normal note, but he`s hung over don`t want to talk. when he comes home hes so hateful it scares me to even ask for help with the bills. He hides money from me at his dads, says its for our future, but he ends up drinking it away. We have neighbors who are his life long friends that are lesbians,6 of them. He spends alot of time helping them. but not me. Of course our sex life is no longer, says he has no desire of sex, but watches women in front of me. I am going home next week, i need to get away. Need to do something than sit in this house and look at the walls, we live 20 miles from any town, sticks I'm telling you. my kids were in private school, making straight a`s, now in public schools barely passing, the emotional stress it puts on them, it is awful. i tried to work for almost a year at a convient store, down the road, but he was never here for them to assist in homework, etc... i started getting calls from school. i tried to raise my kids with morals and values, tried to lead a Christian lifestyle for them. my daughter has now  taken a turn to be bisexual. at 16years of age. its tearing me apart. my husband tells her that he supports her decision. but will turn and be so demeaning. i have been told to get a uhaul if i go home to visit, he says i am only  going to get laid. every stitch of home furnishings in this house is mine, it was mine before we meet, so if i come back i cant sleep in my bed with him.                Ican go on with more to this story but why, I'm sure you've heard it all. i have no more self astem, powerless,and so ashamed of myself,and what i have done to my kids. i have no money , no where to go, nothing. i want to find a better life, what i used to have. please help me find a way. him and i have no communication, no support for each other, no intimacy, and all the above that makes a marriage solid and sound. nothing left.

Answer
Rachel,
You are married to a drunk and it sounds fairly hopeless. I would suggest you make the best of things for your kids. I also think you should then clearly let you husband know what you want and then if he isn't willing to change you need to make a decision to stay or go.
David
www.help4life.net