Expert: Azure - 11/30/2009

Question
Hello.  I'm 21, my ex boyfriend is 22.  We dated for three months.  He was pretty awful to me after the first month and a half.  People we went to school with told me he was crazy. He cheated, lied, and was generally abusive.  He started fights for no reason and blamed me, he was incredibely insecure and has a horrible temper.  He always claimed anger was the only emotion he had and he wasn't emotional or open.  I couldn't take anymore and broke it off right before moving back to college an hour away.  We went back and forth for the next 3 1/2 months, arguing constantly about how we felt and what to do.  I was always trying to be done for good and he'd get mad and tell me he'd delete my number, swear at me, or tell me "Fine, bye Erica." But I never left for good. He'd tell me I was the one he wanted, he just wasn't ready to have a serious relationship yet.  I found out a month after we'd broken up that I was pregnant. I'd knew he'd done it on purpose. He admitted it one night when he was drunk and said if I was pregnant I was going to marry him no matter what.  But he freaked out when he knew for sure and convinced me to get an abortion.  It was the worst situation I've ever been in and I feel horrible.  He was supportive for a few days.  Then he started drinking more, his moods got more out of control, and we got worse.  He started asking me to come over just for sex when I was in town.  I threatened to leave for good more often.  Then I suspected he'd started seeing someone else. Finally I was done, or thought so. I ignored his calls and texts for a day or two.  Then I answered and he said he was done too.  Then he got weird, texting and calling constantly for a whole day, asking how I was doing over and over again, saying he wanted to see me, then saying we needed to talk, that it was nothing bad and he was trying to make me happier.  So I went to see him.  He was so nice and sweet.  We didn't really talk, but he told me he'd missed me and wouldn't have asked me to come see him if he didn't want to be with me.  I fell for it.  The next three days were the weekend and I was home.  He called a few times.  He got drunk every night asking me to come see him, to sleep with him, etc.  I said no every time.  Finally we argued about it one morning that he was still drunk and texting me vulgar things.  He got mad and didn't speak to me all day.  That night I tried to call, no answer.  I texted him to tell him no more, that if he couldn't step up to get out of my life and stop making me unhappy.  The next afternoon he texted me to tell me I deserved better and later that night so say, "Ok?" I said I didn't have anything to say to him.  The next day I told him I hoped he confronted his issues and learned to rely on himself to be happy and not sex or alcohol and that I still cared about him.  He got mad, said he hoped I felt better.  We didn't talk again until the next night.  He said he was sorry things didn't work out and then went out drinking.  I ignored his texts until he asked me to answer him.  I was going out and we're from the same small town and he was afraid he would see me.  He said he'd freak out and not to come out because it would ruin his night, he missed his "baby", he loved me. I went along with it.  He asked if we could get married, said he wasn't kidding, he wanted to be with me, begged me not to get some other guy, he was my guy, and kept telling me he loved me.  I finally met up with him and made sure he got home okay (I don't drink anymore).  He kept telling me he loved me over and over again.  He's never said it in person and he's always been drunk.  He was beyond intoxicated that night.  I helped him to the bathroom so he could throw up and for the next half hour he cried uncontrollably saying he'd messed up, he was sorry about the baby, he wanted it so badly, could he make me pregnant again (WHAT!?!?!), he hated himself, etc.  Then he begged me to forgive him and save him because he didn't know what to do anymore.  I was fine until he mentioned the baby.  I helped him into bed and stayed that night.  The next morning he said he'd call me later and that he loved me.  He never called.  He texted and we talked for a couple minutes.  Said he didn't know how he felt because he barely remembered last night.  He ignored me the rest of the day. Finally he texted me to tell me he was sorry for everything.  I told him he was messing up my head and to leave me alone for awhile.  A few days later I told him I'd cleared my head and asked if he had anything to say.  He asked how I was doing, exchanged a few more texts, asked what was new.  Other than that, nothing.  He was acting like we were friends and nothing had ever happened.  I told him he'd been horrible to me, especially to break down and talk to me about the baby for the first time in 2 months, take advantage of me when I was vulnerable, and then turn his back on me again.  All the hurt I'd been dealing with alone about what we'd done to our child was made worse I said and that I was fine without him.  I told him I couldn't talk to him if he would act like everything was okay and nothing had happened, to do what he needed to do, and maybe we could talk then.  I haven't heard a thing from him.

Does he just not care anymore?  Is he that bothered about what we did to our baby?  I know he's really depressed and always drinking.  Or did he find someone else and decided to forget me?  Or maybe feel that bad about what he's done to me and realize I'm really done?  I feel better without him, it just bothers me to wonder.

Thank you so much.

Answer
you just detailed a totally unhealthy, addictive, co-dependent arrangement, kept alive by insecurities, that should have ended LONG AGO;  your questions indicate you still have a long way to go to totally free yourself from him; it is only when you no longer CARE about these answers, that you will be able to truly move on, and if you even CONSIDER going back, you've no one to blame but yourself; as for the guy, he has serious emotional problems, not to mention the alcohol issue, and is in dire need of counseling;