Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 11/4/2009

Question
I broke up with my boyfriend late last year around the holidays because of the continual emotional and verbal abuse I was receiving on a near daily basis.  When he realized I meant it and began to see other people, he suddenly began stalking behavior and promised to get counseling, basically promised the world if I gave him another chance despite the poor treatment he had meted out over the past 2 1/2 years.


I didn't take him back right away, but after a month or so I did and things were okay for awhile, but now unsurprisingly, things are back to the way they were.  He has recently become even more rude, and I am wondering if he's just getting back at me because he thinks I put him through the wringer when he was swooning to get me back.  

For instance, we were having dinner in a restaurant recently when his best guy friend called his cell and he picked it up and talked for 10 minutes while I sat there (fuming). He never once said on the call that he was out with me having dinner and offer to call his friend back later.  On other occasions, he has demanded that I arrive at his house at a certain time to go to certain functions only to find him talking to this friend and delaying our departure by 5-10 minutes and almost making us late (even though I had to tow the mark and be there on time) - all the while not mentioning to his friend that I'm there and we have plans and have to go.  Other than being highly disrespectful, what is the motivation for the behavior and how should I handle it moving forward?

Answer
Nicole,

What is important here is not this young man's motivation.  Obviously, the person you describe, has deep issues.  And if you take his talking for ten minutes with someone else while in your company, as evidence that he is rude; and if he is being deliberately rude, then he also has the ability to punish you once he knows you intend to stay with  him.

That you stayed two and one half years with an abusive personality says more about you than it says about why he is abusive.  The question is why did you not get out and head a mile a minute in the opposite direction.  Well, you took off, but then, you gave in and returned.  Now, going on what you say, it seems like it is easier for him to disrespect you now that you are back.   If he is as you describe him, and if you are looking to him to make you feel good, then it seems that he has you hooked.  Seems.

Let us look at this from another angle. Not the previous chapter in this relationship, but now.

Why are you angry by this young man's behavior? Because in your mind he is being rude, perhaps even deliberately rude.

Proof.  1)  He talks with a friend for ten minutes while out to dinner with you.  Your conclusion --maybe he is trying to punish you for having left the relationship in the first place.  2)  He hangs around for five or ten minutes after you arrive before leaving, after he demanded that you arrive at a specific time for you two to go out.  Your conclusion?  That is unreasonable, after demanding that you be on time.

How can you handle these conflicts that have arisen in your mind?

1.  You could tell him that you would feel more appreciated if he does not take out such extensive periods to talk on the phone while out with you.  

2.  You could tell him that you wondered why he did not indicate to the person on the phone that he was out with you.  Let him know how you felt. Let your tone of voice and attitude make it pleasant for him to listen to you.

3.  Where punctuality is concerned, again, tell him what you observed, that when you meet him at his home, you feel that despite all your rush to get to him on time, you still have to wait on him once you get there, and that you would prefer if when you get there, he is dressed, and ready to go.

4.  If you do not like him making demands of you, tell him. You could say, 'I would feel better if you request that I meet you here at a certain time.  I feel as though you are demanding that I be here on time.  I feel uncomfortable when I feel you are making demands on me'.

5.  Suggest that you both be alert to the tone of your communication, so that you foster mutual respect in all your interactions.

You have to set standards for your relationship.   Say what you want from it. Listen to what he wants from it.

Be clear in your head what is causing you problems, else it could look as though you are also out to control him.

What you want is for him to understand your feelings.   You might have misunderstood his intent.  You could have been too uncompromising.  Is a five minutes wait once you get to his home, too long; then should you both give your selves more time? Let him explain.  Put down that finger of accusation.  Relationships are to be enjoyed; they should not be drudgery.

I suggest that before you run off to him with your list, outlined above, that you look again at what upsets you about what your boyfriend does.  Get someone you trust, and share your concern.  Get some feedback; a reality check as it were, to see if you are seeing problems where there are none, or if indeed you are dealing with a controlling personality.  But let him know how your feelings are affected in the relationship.   

Blessings.

Dr. ES