	AllExperts > Abusive Relationships
	Search

About Eugenia Springer, Ph.D.
Expertise
I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.

Experience
From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey". After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers. My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships. "Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace. To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at dreugenia.springer@gmail.com Currently I am the host and producer of the weekly call-in radio program, Life and Living/Soul to Soul. You can access my program on-line at www.power102fm.com.

Education/Credentials
Certificate in Parenting and Family Life Counseling Certificate in Dianetics Counseling Ph.D. in Zoology (specializing in Biochemical Genetics)

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Abusive Relationships > Lacks impulse Control

Abusive Relationships - Lacks impulse Control

Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 11/6/2009

Question
OK Let me start by saying I love my husband and I want our marriage to last a life time.
We got married in 2000. We were both 31. Neither of us had been married before. He had just finished his Residency in Surgery. I was an L%26D nurse. We met when he was an Intern. He moved to another state. We broke up for two years due to distance and his immaturity.
It is now 2009. We have three children....6, 4 and 2. He punches, throws and cusses when he is upset or things don't go his way. Recently, I accidently (very mild) nicked his corvette (you can, barely tell) with my car door. Well, he punched and said OH MY GOD ...HOW COULD YOU?!! in front of the kids. I felt bad I did it and said I was sorry.
I guess what I want to know is .......is he over reacting? He is extremely annul! I don't sweat the small stuff and he thinks I am careless! HELP!!

Answer
Amy, are you asking if your husband is over-reacting? No, I do not think he is over-reacting. If he punches, kicks, and curses you, and punches you because his Corvette door gets nicked, I would venture the opinion that he lacks respect for you, and is far away from any position of empathy. It seems you are dealing with an enraged man.

My question is, why are you tolerating this? Yes, you are sorry you nicked his Corvette, but what is he doing to you? Is his Corvette not to be nicked, but you are to be banged and punched? This is not about anything outside of this man. This behavior is about volcanic frustration exploding from this man.

Something is very wrong, Amy. Let me ask you some straightforward questions. Does your husband feel that you trapped him in this marriage? Did he need, or accept, help from you to get through his training? Did he feel obligated in some way, obligated to marry you although he did not want to? You may not want to hear these questions, but you must confront them -- is this man feeling trapped -- by you.

No matter what the history, you are not supposed to be insulted in any way. And you are the one to make that declaration. Respect yourself too much to make a doormat of yourself. Ask him what he feels that causes him to explode. And be strong. Listen to his answer. Your worth is not dependent on his assessment of you. Find out what he thinks. His frustration has reached boiling point. He cannot think of how he is frightening the children. He is too distraught.

The behavior you describe makes me think of the confusion and frustration felt by someone who is blind with rage.

Amy, can you take off with the children for a weekend, or more, just to give him some breathing space? Or suggest that he take some time by himself?

And do, get to a therapist. You need to be talking this thing out.

Dr. ES

Add to this Answer Ask a Question