Expert: Azure - 11/10/2009

Question
i do not really know where to begin.  even though i have been repeatedly told i am indeed a victim of abuse, i am guilty in harboring the whole "unless he smacks you silly, pipe down" idea.
long history short- k and i met, he had a current girlfriend, which everyone, including himself, lied to me about.  i was repeatedly told they had broken up, when they actually had not.  after about 8 months, i finally found out he had been stringing me and other girls along.  when challenged with having to choose, he ultimately chose me, and we began our formal relationship.  during those first 8 months prior, he was perfect and charming. was quick to say he loved me.  in retrospect, obviously manipulative.  once we were official, he cheated, started doing drugs and went back to the ex.  he started putting my down in public, using backhanded compliments, pinching, poking, grabbing, choking, etc.  he would also say such things as "you cannot get anyone better than me, so do not even try" would pull imminent physical harm tactics when i would refuse to respond to him via text or phone call.  i am sure you have heard all of this.  also, let it be noted, that he would be rather nonchalant when we were actually doing "well".  it was not until things went awry that he would resort to the desperation tactics.  coming to my house at 3 am and refusing to leave until i would talk to him, imminent physical harm, etc.  he also lies to the point of me questioning whether or not he actually realizes he does such.  fast forward...
after he started to threaten me and tell me he does things because he can, because he is the "mother- f****in" man, etc.  once night he became creepy with how he spoke.  i decided after dealing with bruises, put downs, etc to seek a restraining order.  all was fine and dandy for a couple of months, until mutual "friends" reappeared and wanted to hang out.  i now realize they had been coerced by him, in order for him to ultimately get to me.  obviously, i caved, went back and vacated the order.  we went back to the same old after a period of time, and the abuse escalated.  i was more and more bruised, he started requesting sexual deviance.  he would initiate rough sex.  he even sodomized me against my will one time, telling me i was an "ass****" for putting the order on him, and that is what such behavior deserves.  he then told me to put my head in the pillow, wrapped his arms around my waist, and did not allow me to flinch or escape.  soon there after, we went on a vacation to canada, where i continued to foot the bill for everything.  after we came home, i again realized i had mad a mistake, as even in canada, away from all of our friends, he continued to ignore me and treat me horribly.  come order #2.  
the second order lasted a little bit longer.  he had returned to his ex, but was still courting me.  he was attempting to circumvent the order by posting anonymous postings on craigslist, and calling me from prepaid, untraceable phones.  the i love yous, i miss yous, we can work things out, etc continued to flow.  this time, he also would stalk me. drive by my house, randomly be everywhere i would go.  i could not go to clubs with friends, because he would conveniently be waiting outside.  i could not even go get ice cream on a popular street in the area, because he would be conveniently there.  he then allowed himself to totally break the order, and blatantly instant messaged and emailed and called me.  texted me to the hilt.  when the police checked my phone into evidence, i had roughly 100+ emails, over 1,000 texts, 1500 ims, and 200+ phone calls over a month period.  after the final order, a no contact was placed on top of it, because of his cyber stalking.  he ended up violating that, and was placed in jail. fast forward approximately 3 months.
we reconciled because he had coerced friends again.  the physical abuse stopped,  but the emotional abuse ran rampant.  the put downs.  jealousy.  withholding of sex.  wanting sex.  you name it, he ran the full gambit.  at this point in time he had been kicked out of his house due to the whole jail thing, and i moved in with him, supporting him financially.  i went without, so he could have.  i also was forced, out of guilt, into paying for his court mandated DV awareness classes.  the final straw came when he started taking my pay, and divvying it out to me as an allowance.  he cited my poor budgeting as his reasoning.  add the fact that he had cheated on me again, with a person he claimed he would only talk to in order to get advice on our relationship with to the mix, and i decided to walk away again.  he also blamed my being a bitch and constantly up his ass as reasoning for his latest escapade. fast forward again...
from january of 09 until july, we were together.  things were seemingly ok, as he had promised change and the classes seemed to work.  however, i was still feeling guilty, as during this whole relationship i had been compromising myself. i would feel the need to yes baby him to death, out of the fear of him cheating on me again.  i also would pay for everything, and receive nothing in return.  i was a diminished shell- long gone was the person who was self confident and assured.  i was no longer outspoken or opinionated.  i was a robot.  serving and meeting his needs- however, nothing i could do was ever enough.  he broke up with me in july, citing his reasoning as me being psycho because i would check up on him.  obviously i felt the need to do such, as his past actions would not allow me to trust him.  he would always lie about where he was, what he was doing, etc.  even though we spent practically all day, everyday, together, i was still paranoid.  fast forward one last time..
we broke up, and got back together.  only for a month.  we broke up 2 weeks ago.  he left me, saying i made him want to kill himself, and made him highly depressed.  i only wanted to spend some time with him.  however, he would always find his friends more important, and look for excuses not to stay with me and keep me company in my apartment.  he would say "we see each other everyday, quit bitching! i need space and alone and friend time!"  yeah, well, if i broke it down, we would see each other about 5-10 hours a week.  hardly quality time. during this time, i also caught him leaving the dorm room of another girl, after spending the night there along with his friend.  he defended it, saying "we're just friends and nick was with me, it was ok."  swearing nothing had happened.  post break up, my mother and i went to speak with his mother, about the 1800 dollars K owed me, because i had given it to him to purchase a car.  she did not want to hear it, claimed her son was "a great kid, it is just who he hangs out with." and "nicole and K were always so happy together, maybe time will fix this".  this was being said even after i told her how i had caught him redhanded the week earlier, and divulged he had turned into a low grade drug peddler.
after a week of no contact, and him breaking up with me, he started contacting me last week.  he stated he loves me, misses me and wants to work on us.  "it can and should and will work.  let's just take our time, get to know each other, and let time take its course.  i want us to be happy, and i love you."  in the interim, he expects me to feel that a few random texts will suffice as the communication needed to "rebuild" us.  he refuses to see me in person, and only wants to text and call each other.  i go along with it, then fell guilty and try to explain to him that after all we have been through, i am frustrated and do not feel it is worth it.  that yes, i do care, but i do not know if the love is legitimate and i feel that codependency has a hand in why i go back.  as well as fear of being alone.  his response is to call me a moron and a bitch, and that i am ruining this and he just wants me to "relax".  his classic line.  
i personally feel the cycle of abuse is repeating.  i do not know how to break it.  i feel crazy and totally nuts.  i know enough to realize he is not what i need or want.  that his ignorance of me and my feelings is abuse.  how he treats me, what he says and things he has done are abusive.  i even consider the habitual cheating to be a form of abuse, as he always blames me for him doing so.  another way to strip away my last centimeters of self worth.  i do miss him.  however, i feel i miss him out of boredom.  i have been reduced to a depressed robotic shell.  i have lost tons of weight, have started turning to sedative to keep myself somewhat calms, and just have no drive, determination or zest for life.  as you may be able to tell,  i am not stupid, in the least.  i am educated.  and even that befuddles me.  how can such a book-smart person, be so emotionally dumb?  he is manipulative. coercive.  i have tried to ignore all forms of contact.  i have deleted emails, screen names, changed my number, moved out of my apartment,etc.  he still is able to find me.  and when he does, he sweet talks me.  and once he has the hook set, and is about to reel me in, he throws the whole "i want to take it slow, and let it work out.  it is to better our relationship.  you need to learn how to trust me and relax.  if that can happen, we will be golden."  why do they act like this?  why are abusers so ego driven?  how do i break this?
i feel guilty in all aspects.  i feel guilty for allowing him back in.  then when i see his pathetic efforts, amidst a grand promise of happiness up re-entry into my life, i feel guilty for not trusting him.  for thinking and hoping he would change.  i constantly think "maybe he is serious this time.  maybe it can work." then i send a novella in the form of a text, saying how i feel and why it cant and wont work.  then the guilt begins, because he freaks out on me.  asking why i am psycho.  why i cant relax.  why i cant be patient and allow us to work.  i flip flop every 5 minutes.  one minute, yes, i am willing to try.  the next, i think "ok, you are 30, he is 20.  is this really going to work?"  then i text saying i dont want to talk to him, and for him to give up.  then he will call and yell and say i am dumb and he DOES want it to work, because he does ACTUALLY love me, then it starts all over again.  i oblige, then think.  then start the whole second guessing, self doubting behavior.
ultimately, i think i just need to know the proper steps to take in order to break free.  or could this work, and i am truly an impatient paranoid fool?  any help or enlightenment would be appreciated.  thank you.

Answer
that was a description of one of the most unhealthy relationships anyone has ever written about; your low self-esteem/insecurities, have led you into this addictive arrangement, which, like a drug, is killing you slowly; it's easy for me to tell you to NEVER see/talk/communicate with him EVER again, doing whatever it takes to achieve that goal, but until you realize and determine that is what you NEED to do, nothing i say will help; i would say that counseling at this point is IMPERATIVE, as well as support from friends/family/authorities; the choices are quiet desperation/pain/misery while you give up your life to an emotional addiction, or setting yourself free and regaining your life--take your pick...