Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 11/24/2009

Question
I haven't lost my self-confidence, I'm really quite a strong willed person, I know my self worth is that of any other person and I don't deserve to be treated like this, but I'm still terrified of leaving.
I couldn't put my finger on it when it first started, he would humiliate me in front of all my family and friends, 'joking' about my cooking and cleaning, out right ignoring me in favor of tv programs and even the advertisements were too interesting to talk to me. He became intimidating with every person I spoke to, of course he denies this and its difficult to prove that his persona changes to become intimidating with anyone I talk to.
I was embarrassed to go anywhere with him because if any man looked twice at me he would threaten to bash them, although they never knew this because it would only be said to me once they passed.
The 'jokes' about me turned into complaints, ringing my friends and family when I wasn't around.
If I wanted to go anywhere he would find excuses that I couldnt use the car, if I did manage to get out to visit a friend he would call me insistently to come home, when I managed to make him stop calling me to come home he started calling me to complain about the most minor things he could find.
He complained about me not having work, every job I found though he found 'reasons' it wasnt good enough, normally that I wouldnt be able to perform, when I finally pushed passed him and started working he would call my work a number of times, to a point my boss complained to me, of course he says he only ever called a couple of times all up, not a few times a day.
He constantly accuses me of cheating...or going to cheat on him, going through my phone and questioning whos this person, whos that person, would question any basic conversation I have had in text to my bewilderment I would wonder why he had any issues with a simple text that consisted of simple pleasantries with my friends, he would read 'between the lines' and come up with what I 'really' meant.
At the start of this year was his friends girlfriends birthday, I didnt want to go because I knew if I talked to anyone he would get angry, but I couldnt find a good excuse to get out of it.
I spent the night trying to avoid anyone talking to me, while he settled in and eventually took off to mingle, an angaged couple appraoched me and started mucking around singing and dancing trying to get me into the swing (i must have stuck out like a sore thumb sitting there alone so they tried to get me involved) he saw them, or more notably he saw the guy and stood half way across the yard bellowing "how could you do this to me"
I fled the scene, but had no transport so I waited out the front for someone I could get a lift from.
A guy I didnt even know walked out and asked if I was ok,before I could even answer his very large girlfriend came out and started demanding what was going on - she said she knew something was going on because I'd been accused of it earlier with another guy, next thing I knew shed punched me so hard I fell to the ground then she picked me up by her teeth and started swinging me like a dog would with a rag he found to play with.
Enough was enough an I couldnt go on like this.
I kicked him out with relief and looked forward to rebuilding my life, but it didnt work like that.
He found shelter with his uncle but he would be at my house first thing in the morning then wouldnt leave until I went to bed, I asked him everyday to just stay away, but it wasnt easy, I was tired and I didnt want to fight everyday with someone who refused to accept it was over, I thought he would gradually come to terms with it and stop coming, but instead he started complaining that he was getting in trouble by his uncle for waking him up when he came home so late, he hated staying there, in the mean time I had picked up an aggressive stalker who was threatening him - and no this guy wasnt someone he employed to scare me, this was real, someone that knew me through a friend but he didnt know them.
After weeks of battling trying to get him to stay away, and being afraid of this stalker I gave in and let him move back.
I often look back at that now and wonder why I couldnt just hold out that bit longer, why couldnt I be that bit stronger because now, I'm too scared to leave!
Ive slept on the couch since then and withheld any affection because I dont want to be with him, I tell him all the time I want him to leave but he wont, something in me has snapped and I have overwhelming urges to bite him hard, the 'relationship' has become violent, not out right punching, but throwing things, destroying each others personal items and wrestling.
Ive been feeling like its so far gone that one of us will certainly kill the other, and just last week he stood behind me with his arm over the top of me and a knife pointed to my chest threatening to kill me.
We are both unstable now and all I want is for this to end, it would be easy to just walk out and leave my own house and things if I didnt have 2 kids (they dont wittiness this behavior because it doesnt happen when they are around, but they would be feeling the effects none the less with the high tension)
Thing is my ex has half custody to my eldest, if I go to the womens shelter here he would go straight to court and get full custody until such time as I find a new house and prove that I'm no longer around abuse, thing is, once he has full custody I know how the court works and they wouldnt let me have her back.
My biggest fear though is the womens shelter only provides protection for so long, then your on your own, I can see this festering inside him and the moment he finds me I think he would kill me, an intervention order wont help, I know this for a fact if someones that unstable, Ive seen it before a few times now and I dont want to die.
His sister was actually murdered this way, she sought shelter for 3 months at the womens shelter , got an intervention to stop he ex coming near her but when she got a place of her own he found her and broke into the house while she and the kids were sleeping, he stabbed her and her eldest daughter, only the daughter survived.
The fact that such a thing occurred to his own sister yet he had the will to threaten me so strongly with a knife suggests to me he is just as unstable and could very well be the death of me if I try to leave
Ive thought my only safe way out is to leave town, but I would have to abandon my daughter to do so, while her father has half custody it would be seen as kidnapping if I took her and we'd be brought back, but if I leave her with him, hes not a 'bad' father but shes hitting puberty now and he jokes that shes getting fat (and I assure you shes not even chubby) she already picks at her food and I fear she needs me to support her right now to prevent anorexia
I'm so lost, I want to leave, but I want to do it so I don't risk being killed or abandon my daughter who really needs me now

Answer
Morgan,

Your dithering has bolstered his self-confidence.  The weaker you present yourself, the stronger the codependent feels.  The more frightened you look, the more courageous he feels.

You have made of yourself a victim to an insecure man.  Insecure people are unpredictable.  They would do what it takes to survive the moment.  There was a time when he knew he just had to complain, then later, he made demands; now he threatens.

Sending a girl approaching puberty to reside with a father who lacks the father-daughter bond, can be risky.  She is at the cross-roads, and needs stability in her life if she is not to drift into the life of an abuser as you have done.

You cannot afford to have this man rule your life. Yes, recall of his sister's murder could be driving him, but we do not know.  What we do know is that you have no right subjecting yourself to him. Why not go to the police.  Tell them he held a knife over you.  Tell them your concern for your safety, your desire to leave the area and start all over, but your concern about parting from your daughter who has been with you all this time.  You have to trust somebody.  Ask the police to refer you to one of their staff who can listen and help.  I don't know if there in Australia you trust your police service, but I do hope they are responsible and dependable.  The description you give of this man's behavior suggests that he has serious mental health problems.   You yourself need to get into counseling.  The fact that you have become so intimately involved with one so dysfunctional, even to the point of trying to obey him, and giving in to his pleas, suggests that you need lots of help.  If he feels he has no where else to go he is not going to want to leave.  He pushed, and pushed, and you budged.  If you get away from this man altogether, would you again find yourself in another dysfunctional relationship?  You would, unless you review the kind of thinking you have been indulging in that has been leading you into these painful experiences. You need to do something different if you are to have a better life and hold out hope to your child/children.

Dr. ES