Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 11/11/2009

Question
my question is to you: i grew up with an abused father although he would say otherwise,and at the age of fifteen met a 19 year  old woman who in my mind trapped me by becomming pregnant. i now have a 17 and 14 year old and have recently become divorced.i really ony married her because my father said it was for the best. now my father was so good at telling me that him hitting me and telling me how stupid i am and ignoring me was all in my head that i almost wonder if its me whos crazy. its affecting my relationship now because i am so guarded.although even she ,knowing my past,has used the same methods such as the name calling and then denying she ever said it.is it me? i could go on and on about how she tracks my every move and controls every situation but it would take an hour. do people who know you were abused use it as a weakness to try and control? i know in my heart that im a good person but just seem to always attract people in my life that can spot my inner most weaknesses.i just want someone to love me and accept me for who i am and not because im an easy target.i cannot ever let go of the yelling and hitting and telling me im no good by my father.not unless i can be treated the opposite.is she abusing me verbally/emotionally by calling me names or am i just not letting go of my past? is it possible to respond via phone at ? if not please reply soon so i can get on with my life abuse free.

Answer
Dan,

I am not clear on who it is you are being guarded with.  You said you recently divorced.  Are you saying that your ex-wife is tracking you, and continuing the name calling?

Do people who know you were abused use that information to try to control you?  Not if the person loves you.  But if, as you say, you just want someone to love you and accept you for who you are, yes, I can see you attracting someone looking for someone just like you.  The person who would be looking for an emotionally needy person, would be another emotionally needy person.

You would never -- and I am not saying this to hurt you, but to alert you to the work you have ahead of you -- find someone to love you and accept you as you are as long as you do not love yourself, and realize that joy has to come from self-acceptance.

One of the consequences of growing up with name calling, is the feeling of personal unworthiness.  The child called names and hit by parents feels rejected; not good about self, not good enough. These are soul gnawing feelings which drive the child become adult on a restless search for that parental love in another.  Sometimes what is perceived as romantic love is just the child in the adult still looking for acceptance.

Many, if not most, people have had their self-esteem damaged from childhood.  People with damaged self-esteem tend to attack the self-worth of others; since children are quite vulnerable, adults usually take out their frustration on the children, in the process, affecting the child's perception of self.  If what you say is true, your father must have been quite acquainted with abuse to have dished it out to you.

If you look around at dysfunctional relationships all around you would find the child in one adult fighting the child in the other adult. Many communicate in ways that hurt others because they have basic core needs for acceptance -- needs unmet in childhood, that they want automatically met here in adulthood.  And they almost demand that this other person who is unacquainted with their inner battles, placate them.

So, Dan, ask yourself what is it you really want out of a relationship, and is it reasonable to expect someone with their own emotional baggage, and unacquainted with your deepest pain, to fill your needs.  Regardless of how you became a parent, you are now a parent.  I don't think you want to nurture dysfunctional children.  So, attend to your inner work.  Start by reading books on healing the inner child.  Google the term codependent relationships, and read to find answers for yourself.  Right here on the Internet you can find so many answers.

Also, since what you are looking for is acceptance, and acceptance comes with love, and the only love that would suffice is love springing from within you, and since there is no room for love where there is resentment, you would have to forgive your father -- for your sake.  It does not matter whether or not he is convinced he did wrong by calling you names and hitting you. Your responsibility to yourself is to rid yourself of resentment; whether for your father, or for your ex-spouse.  As a matter of fact, you need to forgive yourself also, and all you ever blamed for hurting you, including your sons.

How do you do that?  How do you forgive your father, especially?  Consider that just as you must have made mistakes with your children, because of your personal insecurity (a person looking for someone to love and accept them is not a secure person) so your father, because of his insecurity made mistakes with you.  He might not be perceptive enough to recognize that his own self-esteem is damaged, and we are not here to force anyone to see problems in themselves.  But a person's behavior and general communication tell a story about them.  We can note this without feeling that we have to summon the child in us to stand in front of another blaming them for having a damaged self-esteem.  Our work is with our self.

You are in no emotional state to nurture a stable amorous relationship now because you are feeling too needy to be a stable partner.  Get into a relationship and you would have problems.  Now that you have left one relationship, I suggest you do yourself a favor, and get help in developing a relationship with yourself.  Some do this in therapy; some in diligent praying and reading; several ways.

What you want from a relationship you have to take to it.  When you feel good about yourself you could allow the other person to be, without demanding that they conform to your wishes and expectations.  When you feel good about yourself, you claim the right to be comfortable with yourself without looking to the other person for validation.  Am I saying that you have to be perfect to be involved in a stable relationship?  No, but you need to have a measure of emotional self-reliance that would allow you to choose someone willing to work on the relationship despite imperfections; someone willing to enjoy what you bring to the relationship even as you both work on your self-development.  And you need to be sufficiently self-accepting so you won't be an emotional parasite, just wanting the other person to be there for you.

Accept yourself where you are even as you work on getting yourself where you want to be.  This would be an act of self-love.

Dr. ES