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About Eugenia Springer, Ph.D.
Expertise
I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.

Experience
From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey". After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers. My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships. "Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace. To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at dreugenia.springer@gmail.com Currently I am the host and producer of the weekly call-in radio program, Life and Living/Soul to Soul. You can access my program on-line at www.power102fm.com.

Education/Credentials
Certificate in Parenting and Family Life Counseling Certificate in Dianetics Counseling Ph.D. in Zoology (specializing in Biochemical Genetics)

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Abusive Relationships > unsure if I am in a potentially dangerous situation

Abusive Relationships - unsure if I am in a potentially dangerous situation

Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 11/3/2009

Question
Hi I am currently a student in college who is going through a period of unwanted contact from an ex boyfriend. He broke up with me at the beginning of September, and since then, has sent me a numerous text messages, phone calls and requests to meet up and talk. Although I have expressed to him a number of times that I no longer want contact from him, he still contacts me anyways. I have tried my best to not respond to any of his text messages or answer his phone calls, but recently he made me so angry that I picked up the phone to make it clear I no longer want contact from him. I am dating someone else, but have not informed him of this as his irrational behavior makes me worried that he might do something irrational if he found out. The longest period he has gone without contacting me has been two weeks. This was after he told me he was going to leave me alone for a month and contact me on November 1st (without my consent about that time span). He hasn't shown any signs of threat but he sends me random strange texts, will call my phone numerous times or leave messages, and this is without any prompt from me as I ignore his contact. Below are a few examples of the text messages he has sent me that has put me on edge. If you could provide any insight into my situation that would be great:

All of these messages were sent to me from my ex boyfriend

1) "Are you really upset at me? you didn't wish me happy birthday at all. I know you want no contact from me but that surprised me a little"
2) "I do want to set up a meeting with you liked I asked. Trust me I don't have anything mean to say. I was wrong for that before. I learned a lot through this thinking period and I am not done. But I'd like to tell you what I learned".
3) "I love you unconditionally. That is one thought"

This following text was sent to me after he asked if he could come to a party I was hosting at my house. I told him no and he replied:
4) "I mean is there another reason besides wanting nothing to do with me why you don't want me there? Another guy I might offend maybe. I wouldn't want to hurt you in that way"
5) "well I respect that but I choose to want to see you. I love you. and what I did was bad but not that bad. This is not about things I said when I was angry, you still love me, you know it. and you're running because you are scared of falling back in love with me. run as far and hard as you want. but that love aint gonna die inside of you. I tried to kill it too. don't work".
6) "people have done much worse to each other babe. you distanced yourself from me because you love me more than you know:) and you are right inconsistency is a problem. with you and with me. you will find no inconsistency in this message or my recent contact with you. I love you. That is not a matter of opinion but of fact. and you love me so much it hurts. I know, it's ok.
7) ...I could be silent for years. you will not stop thinking about me because you love me. and you know I love you. I am very rational. haven't shown that to you and that's on me. but you were with me long enough to know I am rational and I care."

These a few of the messages that struck me as the weirdest. Especially him telling me he knows I love him and can't stop thinking about him ect. He recently told me he would give me space but I know that will be short lived. Our relationship had traits of emotional abuse and control which is why I wouldn't want to enter another relationship with him. Please let me know what you think about this situation.

Answer
C,

This man is evidently out to control your life, and he starts with playing with your mind. The only plus I see in this is the challenge to you to exploit your fullest strength. What he is displaying is weakness, camouflaged as power and strength. But it takes a fearful, very fearful, insecure person, to so persistently seek to thrust their presence into your space. A weak, fearful person he might intimidate; a strong person, never. If you feel vulnerable at any time to this man's intimidation, affirm your strength. Audibly, and vocally, repeat the affirmation, "I am strong. I am in control of my mind. I alone decide how I live."

That is step one. Next, save all the text messages he has been sending you. You have already been doing this. And do not yield to the temptation to respond to any of his messages. Can you change your number? Would those close to you refrain from communicating with him about you?

Step three -- and this is very important -- report to the police, now. Show them the text messages. Tell them your concern, so they won't make any move to endanger you with this mind you are dealing with.

Is it possible for you to get out of the area? This man is not showing traces of abuse, he is displaying outright mental abuse. It is for you to know your strength and not accommodate any control from him or anybody else. The farther away from him you could get, at least for an extended period, the greater, I hope, would be the chance that he would forget about you and move on with his life.

I congratulate you for sniffing out abuse before it became a full blown nightmare in that former relationship.

Finally, there is power in prayer. Resentment will keep the resented always present in your mind. Compassion for this man, and forgiveness will bring relief to you. Compassion will allow you to see that this man's insecurities must be distressing for him; and had to be seeded in some painful experiences in his past. So you don't hate him for this manipulative way he has; you just don't let it infringe on your freedom. Give praise and thanksgiving for having had the foresight to get out of that relationship, ask a blessing of peace on the young man, and move on. He needs help. But you are not the one to give it.

Blessings.

Dr. ES

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