Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 11/26/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello.  I'm 21 and my ex-boyfriend, Dan, is 22. We've been broken up for 4 months now, and we dated for the 3 months before that.
Before, during, and since dating, I'd heard stories from people who knew him, including people we'd gone to high school with, that he was obsessive, controlling, crazy, angry, and mean.  He always boasted about all the girls he's slept with...though he's admitted to me it's because he's insecure.  
However, when we started dating he seemed like a genuinely good person...just with some personal issues and depressed. He drank, but not often.  He has a bad temper but he rarely turned it on me. However, he cheated on me multiple times and gave me and STD. I finally broke up with him and he got angry and blamed everything on me.
We continued to talk, going back and forth between trying to get back together and each of us telling the other one we were done for good. He started drinking a lot, even missing work because he was too hungover. He got me pregnant on purpose and then convinced me to get an abortion. I've never felt worse about myself. He was supportive for a week or so and went back to normal. He called me names, accused me of sleeping with other men, put me down, told me to f*** off and stop being emotional when I'd tell him I was hurt or upset. He'd say he had no feelings, sense of guilt for anything, nothing. Sometimes he'd apologize.  He'd say he really cared about me and I was important to him and that he wanted to be with me, he just wasn't ready for a relationship.  Other times he'd say I was too good for him, he was a bad boyfriend, and that I deserved better.
I wanted to be the girl that didn't give up on him and honestly believed he was good underneath everything.
Then, he started seeing someone else.  He wouldn't tell me, but he wouldn't deny it.  I was tired of feeling awful about myself all the time, so I told him I was done for good. I ignored his calls and texts for the first day, then gradually started talking to him. He was more talkative than usual, asking how school and work was and sounding genuinely interested. He said he wanted to see me because we needed to talk and that he was trying to make me happier.
I went to see him and he was nicer than he has ever been since we'd broken up, except for when I had the abortion. He said he'd missed me so much and wanted to be with me...but we never talked about anything like he'dsaid. Then it was like nothing had ever happened.  He went out, got drunk all weekend, and texted me vulgar things trying to get me to sleep with him and got angry when I wouldn't.  Finally, he ignored me all day, even when I sent him a text telling him I was a self-respecting, smart woman who needed him to step up to that or get out of my life. He never said a word...not even the usual, "Fine, f*** you," or, "Goodbye, Erica."  Until this afternoon when he sent a text saying, "You deserve better than me."

I want to say things to hurt him so badly, but I never have.  Or I want to tell him it's not him that's not good enough, it's his behavior.
I honestly care about him but I know he's not healthy for me at all. I think the best thing for me to do is totally and completely ignore him. What do you think? Why, maybe, is he like this to me?  


ANSWER: ...though he's admitted to me it's because he's insecure.
with some personal issues and depressed.
He'd say he had no feelings, sense of guilt for anything, nothing.
He'd say he really cared about me and I was important to him and that he wanted to be with me, he just wasn't ready for a relationship
Other times he'd say I was too good for him, he was a bad boyfriend, and that I deserved better.
Until this afternoon when he sent a text saying, "You deserve better than me."
Or I want to tell him it's not him that's not good enough, it's his behavior.
I honestly care about him but I know he's not healthy for me at all.

Okay, Erica.  Above I pasted some statements from your letter to me.  They all show that you recognize the problem, though you might be reluctant to acknowledge this.

First, let me say that a basic characteristic of love is that love is unselfish.  Love is also kind.

Love is not only about what you want from the person, but also very much, acknowledging when the person you might be attracted to, is not free to love you as you wish to be loved; and being smart enough to move on instead of hanging around blaming the person for what and who they are, and bemoaning the fact that they do not fit the ideal in your head.

The fact is that the young man is quite aware, as you are, that he is not emotionally equipped for the normal, satisfying relationship you deserve and that he knows you should be involved in.  His way of telling you to move on is through saying you are too good for him or he is not good enough for you; or pushing you off through rejecting behavior.  You yourself are aware of this, and this is why you can say that you know he is not healthy for you.

Despite all this you allowed yourself to get pregnant for him.  He cannot deal with himself, how is he to father a child?  Well, you did say he impregnated you deliberately.  Another child labelled for failure?  If you are going to be sexually active, know that you can become a parent.

You seem to be a smart girl, so you must realize that people are basically nice.  But nice people can get their heads messed up through chemical imbalances; bad parenting; personal distressing experiences-- a number of reasons.

This young man has big personal problems that cannot be resolved by having a romantic relationship with you.  In a romantic relationship his problems are going to surface magnified, and he will end up feeling worse about himself because he cannot give to a girl what he does not possess.  He cannot love you because he does not love himself.  Something is interfering with his appreciation of himself. To feel rotten about self is to live in hell.  And the more you demand that he gives what he does not have to give the more rotten he would feel, because you would be as it were holding up before his face; a mirror showing how inadequate he is; and no human being, no matter how dysfunctional their behavior, can comfortably live with the awareness of personal inadequacy; that they are not good enough.

In moments of clarity he asks you to move on, though he has formed some sort of attachment to you.  It might be easy for him to have sex, or to hug and kiss you.  He may even get some sort of comfort out of that.  But what does he care about fidelity when quite likely, values more important to him than fidelity, must have been transgressed.  At some time in his past, he also must have had aspirations, and  expectations of others, but he experienced disappointment.  Whoever was supposed to be standing there at his side, introducing him to the world from a secure position, maybe a home of love and care, must have abandoned their post, one way or the other. Don't take it for granted that he shares your values about what is important, or what is right or wrong. Don't take it for granted that what you think he wants is indeed what he wants, or that the same sentiments expressed by both of you, hold the significance to both of you. When youngsters have to endure just too many disappointments in life, their values sometimes become warped.

You ask, 'why is he like this to me?'  It is not about you, Erica.  It is about the pain in his soul, that has nothing to do with you.  There are some conversations going on in his head that he might not want to hear so he gets stoned so he could become benumbed.  Whether or not you ignore him he has to live with himself.  Again, I say, this is not about you.  Many people look normal but when you get close to them you discover their way of processing information in their head causes them to behave in bizarre ways.  He is not thinking straight.  He would need help to be able to think of his behavior, and consequences.  But he has to get that help from elsewhere, so he could learn to care; first for himself.

You get the brunt of his anger and pain because you have placed yourself in close proximity to his deepest passions, and therefore to whatever war is raging within him.  When you move on, he would still have to cope with his problems.

Take care of yourself.  Blessings.
Dr. ES

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much.  Your answer helped a lot.
And you're very right, he's been hurt badly before. The first girl he really loved didn't want commitment and cheated on him throughout their four year relationship.  One guy she cheated on him with is my ex boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. Even though they broke up three years ago, I know he's still hurting from it.  The next girl he loved hurt him also. To make matters worse, he had goals thoughout high school and college that he worked to hard towards that were taken from him when he got into serious accidents; the one in high school fracturing his neck in football and the second in college in a snowmobile accident that almost killed him and lead to his dropping out of college just shy of finishing.
I encouraged him as much as possible throughout our relationship.  He said I'm only the second girl to ever say he was a good person and worth something and that I made him happy.  He told me he loved me a couple of months before I said it back, but he was always drunk when he said it, even after we broke up.  When I asked him about it, he'd get angry and tell me to stop rubbing it in his face.  Then, he began admitting he was scared to say he loved me when he was sober. He and I talked seriously a few times. He would say he trusted me more than he ever has anyone and that the only problem was that he was insecure and didn't trust himself. He said he that if he was sure of himself he'd be married to me.  
Until a few weeks ago when I think he started seeing someone else,though he won't admit it or deny it.
His dad was also an alcoholic and addicted to gambling.

I didn't say anything to him telling me I deserved better than him.  Finally that evening he texted me saying, "Ok?"  I didn't say anything and he texted me again saying,"Can't answer me?"  Finally I told him I didn't know what to say.
I thought hard about what you'd said. Yesterday morning I sent him several texts, basically saying that I knew I deserved better but that I knew why he treated me the way he did and I didn't hurt for myself, I just hurt for him.  I said it was awful what people he'd cared about in the past had done to him but that I understood he was trying to figure himself out and that I couldn't help him do that.  I told him not me, any bar, party, other girl, amount of money, or sex, favors or affection from any girl could fix the things that had been done to hurt him or make up for the hopes and dreams that had been taken from him or make him happy. I told him I didn't feel sorry for him, I just loved him and that I hoped he did what he needed to learn to rely on himself for happiness.  I told him I hoped someday he'd see for himself that he was a valuable and worthy person.

Several hours later he sent a text saying, "Hope those messages made you feel better."

I don't know what to make of what he said.  I think I should leave it at that because usually when he says things like that when we've fought he's trying to get some reaction out of me. However, he's never not talked to me so much. Ever. I think you're right and he's trying to let me go by rejecting me because he knows I need better.  I just don't understand why he made that last comment to me.  He could have ignored me.  Or he could have said, "Goodbye, Erica" like usual.  I don't know if what I said got to him and he was hurt or it made him think or if he just doesn't care.
I don't understand why I'm so upset. He's not the best I can get and I feel more secure and happy now.  I'm just heartbroken in a way I've never felt before and don't understand.

Any insight is so greatly appreciated.
Thank you.

ANSWER: Erica,

Accept your feelings.  Maybe you do not understand them now, but be patient with yourself.  Later on, you would.  Right now, you have to be careful about the neediness you are feeling towards this young man.  It is okay to feel.  You do not have to tell the other person all that you feel.  Just as you cannot make him happy, so he cannot make you happy.  Ego can play some tricky games with us, leading us to make our life more complicated.

This young man's problems of insecurity were not seeded in his relationship with former girlfriends; you identified one probable source when you indicated that his dad was a drinker and gambler.  Those qualities in a parent often spell trouble for the family's sense of security.

I have heard from several young women like you.  Some started off at your age just as you are doing, and are writing to me some eighteen, twenty years later, with regrets.

There is only one healthy way to end a relationship that is not good for you.  Cut if off and move on.  You will get over the pain, sooner or later.  Some make the mistake of lingering in conversation with the abusive personality, until the person gets back close and this time refuses to go away.  Be careful.  You could allow this young man back into your life by your games (unwitting, perhaps), and then can become so enamored with him, that you would take whatever he dishes out.

Please look up the term, codependency.  Read all you can about it. For your sake, I hope you take responsibility for your happiness.  Breakups come with pain, lots of questions, and sometimes guilt.  But if you are finished with an affair, you must move on.  Texting the young man is not moving on. Do you want to be responsible for sending him conflicting signals?

Blessings.
Dr. ES

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I know I push his buttons sometimes in ways I shouldn't.  I made things worse last night too. I'd texted him to tell him I was sorry for my part in the way things had gone the past few months because I hadn't acted like myself but that I cared about him and hoped he was doing well.  He replied later that he was sorry things didn't work out.  I was okay leaving it with that.  A few hours later he was texting me as I was getting ready to go out in my hometown.  He was home also and out with his friends.  He told me he missed me so much and was afraid to see me.  He kept texting me, obviously drunk, telling me he loved me, asking if we could get married someday, that he was serious, that he badly missed me.  I knew he was drunk so I let most of it go and felt confident I would be okay.  He walked across town to stay at a friend's and I was worried about him so when he asked me to come over I did.  He was throwing up outside telling me he loved me.  I got him inside, where he stayed bent over the toilet for about an hour.  He was sobbing and kept telling me he was so sorry for not letting me keep our baby.  He went on and on about how he'd messed up so badly and he regrets it every day and he wishes he could change it and he was sorry he'd been so scared.  He told me he hated himself and he was worthless and that those messages I'd sent him made him feel like a horrible person and that I knew him better than he did.  He couldn't stop crying--he's only cried twice in the last six months.  He said, "Erica, please save me." And begged me to forgive him for all he'd done.  When he calmed down I took him to the couch and laid down with him.  He kept telling me he loved me until he fell asleep.  About 4:00am we woke up to his friends coming home and moved to a bedroom.  He talked to me more, telling me he loved me, he had just been scared, he was sorry, he wanted us to be together, I was the most amazing and wonderful woman he'd ever been with, he wouldn't change his mind in the morning, etc.  I resisted having sex with him because I don't trust him and I was wary.  Eventually, I gave in.  I'm not proud of it and I know it was not the right decision. When we woke up this morning he was still saying he loved me and that he'd talk to me later.  Several hours later I got a text asking if I was on birth control still and he hoped it works and I asked him how much he regretted saying last night and he said, "I don't know Erica, I barely remember." Since then he hasn't said anything.  I know it's Thanksgiving so he's probably with his family.

I feel terrible.  Not that I went over to see him.  I'm glad I made sure he was okay and that I at the least, even if he was drunk, got an apology for what happened with the baby.  I didn't believe anything he said about getting married.  He's hasn't said I love you or I love you too in person...ever.  He hasn't even said it in a text or over the phone in over a month.  The only thing I feel terrible about is that when he said it it seemed truly genuine.  It sounded honest for the first time in months.  I feel terrible that because I got sucked into that I slept with him.  I knew better before seeing him, I knew better most of the night, and then...I gave in.  I'd been so careful up until last night of making sure nothing sexual happened if I couldn't trust him but when he was telling me for almost 12 hours through various stages of drunkeness that he loved me and seeing him at such a vulnerable moment when he was crying and telling me how sorry he was about the baby...I caved.  

Now I don't know what to say to him. It's a toxic, hurtful relationship and I'm so happy being done with him until he sucks me in again, each time more so than the last.  I'm ashamed that I give in against my better judgment.  I need to be ready.  I was ready until last night.  I was confident and secure with my ability to let him go, move on, and be happy.  I knew it was the best thing and for the first time, I didn't get sucked into his claims of just being scared, of wanting to marry me, anything.  Until he kept telling me he loved me.  It's always been such a serious thing for him to say and he's never said it like that or so much or in person. I don't know if there's any truth to anything he said or if he was drunk and feeling bad about himself.  I've never seen him in such a completely vulnerable state as I did when he was sobbing and begging me to forgive him.  Either way, I cannot do this anymore.  I regret sleeping with him, but I don't feel devastated like I have in the past.  Even though he's never taken it this far, I still don't feel as hurt and disappointed and angry.  I just feel like, "Well, Erica, you knew this COULD happen.  You knew this probably WOULD happen.  You had a moment of weakness. Get back on track."

Again, thank you so much.  Your advice is making this easier to deal with that it ever has been.

Answer
Erica,

When you are ready to claim your strength and move on, you will.  Whatever the payoff you got from playing games with yourself, and behaving as though another is responsible for your happiness, only you know.  But no one but yourself,can pick you up and set you on the path of responsible behavior.

We are all free to move on, when we come to cross roads.  And we move on in whatever direction we choose.  We are writing our own life story, decision by decision, choice by choice.

Blessings.
Dr. ES