Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/9/2009

Question
G'day Kriss,

my name is Brenton, and i think its safe to say that i'm in trouble..

i have been courting my fiance for the last three and a half years, earlier this year we became an item, and about seven months ago we got engaged... that was one of the happiest moments of my life, i am truly in love with my fiance.. she is my princess..

without being able to pinpoint yet the exact start or cause, shortly before we were engaged i started to experience depression, which gradually got worse... after a while i went to a doctor who told me that i indeed showed symptoms of what was developing into severe depression and that i should strongly consider medication.. i chose not to go on medication, a few of the reasons being that i had recently seen my fiance recover from depression without medication, and also my own belief and faith that with god i could overcome the depression.

as it got worse i would spend less time in conversation with my fiance, i had stopped encouraging her, and even started saying mean things, and trying to make her feel bad (i have no idea why) i became mean and sarcastic, far from being myself, i used to dote on her, and treat her like a princess, but no longer.. to make it worse with the influence of certain friends i was speaking in a vulgar way and just generally ignoring her emotional and spiritual needs..

worst of all, when we fought, we got angry, and i started to become violent, mind you, not what you would call extremely violent, but there is no excuse for any violent behavior.
i would grab her firmly, i would cover her mouth, sometimes quite firmly, i would grab her wrists, or arms, and even on occasion slap her on the arm or cheek, not repeatedly, but once maybe twice... afterwards i would always feel deep remorse, it would break my heart to realize i had upset and hurt her... i don't know how to explain it.. i knew what was happening, but i didn't, i didn't feel like i was abusing her, i didnt think it was serious, i thought to myself, i can stop this... id tell her, dont worry babe, i'll never do that again.. but it kept happening...

almost two months ago, i woke up to a text message telling me that she was going away for a while, and that we both needed to think, and work ourselves out... to realize it wasn't a game... she hadnt left yet, and i talked her into staying...
(i should have mentioned earlier that since we got engaged we have lived in a house with her mother and 2 brothers while we save for a wedding.)
this was a turning point for me, i realized the seriousness of the situation, and what i had become... i needed help... i called the domestic violence hotline and the lady was mean to me.. and i got upset.. for the next two weeks things were getting better... we had not had a bad fight for a while, and i had not hurt her physically for about a month.. then she went away for two weeks to  a holiday chaplaincy program (here in Australia when students finish high school there is a massive two week celebration on the gold coast, she was involved in a large team of hotel chaplains who keep the kids safe while they are partying) anyway, while she was there she talked to some friends (new and old) and told them of our situation, and through their encouragement and advice decided that she needed to break off our engagement and indeed out romantic relationship for good.. alot of encouragement came from a new friend who had just broken off his engagement after his fiance fell away from god and church and started partying and taking drugs...
we both prayed and thought about it.. we know we could make it work, and felt god was telling her it was her choice to make... she wanted to stay best friends, and for me to stay living here with her family, because we truly are best friends.. plus we are in the process of starting a photography business together that we will still do.. but she said we just cant be together...

once she got back we talked about it.. and from all our conversations i know she still loves me, and that her feelings haven't gone away, but that the main issue is she doesn't feel she can ever let me in a again and give me the chance to hurt her... we both know that i can overcome and that god can heal,.... but she is scared about my genuineness and giving me a chance to hurt her...

i am seeking counseling, i am making myself accountable to friends and my pastor.. i am going to the doctor to seek advice on medication... i just don't know what else to do...

is our relationship too far gone...? is there any chance of restoration?

Can we come back from this...?

how can i show her that i am for real...?

i love her with all of my heart, she is my best friend and my one true love... i would do anything to restore my relationship with her... i just don't know how... i want to show her that that wasn't me... that i will take every measure so i don't fall into depression again... i want to be a man, i want to show her my heart and that can be the man she needs...

thank you for listening...

God Bless

Answer
Hi Brenton,
I'm glad that you wrote....I don't get too many emails from the men in these types of relationships.  The one thing that I would like to comment on before any other is the idea of taking medication.  There are two different types of depression....there is depression that is kind of the blues.  It comes and goes, it isn't real deep.  That kind of thing is emotional and can be tended to with prayer, a change of lifestyle, bringing joy into your life etc.  What you are dealing with is significantly different.  Your depression is most likely coming from a change in brain chemistry and that can't be prayed away.  It is a physical manifestation of chemical imbalances....what the causes are for those kinds of things are vary.  They can be age, diet, stress levels over time, chronic illness etc.  The best way to deal with it is to take anti depressants short term and then try to figure out what caused the imbalance and correct it.  Healing is a process and often, the Lord wants to teach us something through the process...like how to take care of ourselves better, or whatever it might be.  He's not just going to miraculously heal us...we wouldn't learn anything.

The other thing to be aware of is that sin is the only way the enemy can gain entrance into our lives.  Even though the world doesn't seem to frown on living together before marriage anymore, doesn't make it any less a sin.  I'm not saying that this was the cause of the problems, but it did open the door for the enemy to exploit the weaknesses in your lives.  Respect and honor God as you respect and honor each other and you will have His blessing. Where violence is concerned, what happens often is that the person who is doing the abusing doesn't seek help after the very first incidence.  That is the red flag...if it isn't paid attention to, it will happen again and it gets worse.  After it has happened several times, it's hard to pick up the pieces again.

You now have to deal with the consequences of your actions.  You truly are doing everything you can....now you have to show consistent behavior over time....long time.  Trust has been broken with your fiance on a very fundamental level.  It is going to take a long time to build it back.  Sometimes relationships don't recover and that is just the long and short of it.  When there is this level of abuse, often human beings do not have the capacity to recover from that.  You weren't/aren't safe and she was correct in taking the action she did.  To be honest, you may lose this one.....but the good news is that you are taking steps to correct the situation, you are getting counseling and you are being accountable.  Stay with that for the long term and if there is a next relationship, you won't make the same mistakes.  Yes, God heals, but often He doesn't remove the consequences of our actions.

I truly wish you well with your journey.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings and Merry Christmas
Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com