Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/29/2009

Question
Dear Kriss Mitchell,
I have been in my marriage for the last 15 years. My husband has always been a jealous and possessive man who can resort to abusive behaviors when he doesn't get his way.  In the early part of my marriage, I was disturbed and hurt by it but learned to navigate it for the sake of my son and my marriage.  He was otherwise a good loyal husband and father and good provider for our family.  Now, all these years later, my husband is even more jealous and possessive than before and his behaviors increasingly border on abusive. Anything I want to do for myself results in me being threatened by him - he basically threatens to leave me if I do what I want to.  For instance, as ridiculous as this is, I wanted to stay with my aging mother at her house for a couple of days for her moral support and he hollered at me in front of my son, if I go, don't come back.  I point out to him relatives and friends that frequently spend time away from their spouse and he went berserk.  His own mother, who lives outside the country is aging and ill hasn't received a visit from her son since we married.  I pointed out to him that other relatives are frequently visiting her, we have the money for him to go but not all of us and he accuses me of plotting to get rid of him for a week so I can "have an affair".  Ridiculous.  It's getting so absurd and stupid that it's downright embarrassing.  I always covered for his behaviors so I wasn't socially embarrassed by him.  But as my son gets older, I'm now wanting to explore a little freedom in my life without being constantly threatened by my husband.  Would you consider this behavior abusive?  I've tried everything to turn this around.  My parents have spoken with my husband about it, and although he really likes them and they like him, his insecurity(?) always trumps everything.  My parents don't want to make waves in my marriage so they just concur with whatever he says, ditto for all my family and friends.  My sister in another province has a son the same age as my son.  Years and years she invites me and my son to come stay with her for a week so our kids could play.  My husband's response was of course to scream at her for trying to split up our marriage by separating us for week and insulting HIM by not inviting HIM to come along.  She explained to him that she wasn't trying to do that.  She just was taking advantage of the fact that her and I were stay at home moms during our children's childhood years.  Year after year, she tried, year after year, I declined.

Anyway, I think you get the gist of my situation.  I'm feeling more and more isolated from family and friends because of my husband.  I'm unhappy, but I still have to take care of my son and feel responsible to hold together my marriage for my son's security.  The fact that I resent and feel bitterness towards my husband makes me feel very confused as to what I'm doing with my life.  It feels more and more as if I've held together a sham marriage and now don't know how to get out of it unscathed. So often I've wished I could take a breather from my marriage not to have an affair, just to build some healthy distance to explore hobbies and personal interests.  My husband made sure that part of my personality was stomped out early in my marriage and it has stayed that way since. I try to talk to my husband that I'd like to joint the gym again or join this group or take that course - his immediate response is "not on my dime" or I can do that hobby or I can keep my marriage, decide. Can you believe it? Your advice on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

With Thanks,
R.

Answer
Dear R.,
I am sure this has been very difficult for you.  Unhealthy relationships take a lot out of the people in them and although your intentions were the best, enabling this man to be abusive over the years has been more destructive than productive...as you said.

Although I don't know what your financial situation is and I don't know how strong you are in regard to setting boundaries with your husband, the only way to regain your freedom is to stand up for it.  The pattern that all abusers have is to isolate their victims and then make them dependent.  This takes away any support network that would provide encouragement or hope and it also takes away any ability to support themselves or build a life of strength that is apart from the abuser.  

There are only a couple of options that you have here.  The first would be to seek counseling in hopes that a counselor would be able to confront your husband with the unhealthy ways he impacts your relationship and motivate him to change.  If that isn't an option, the situation falls to you in setting boundaries, standing up to him and calling his bluff when he threatens to leave.  I would assume that for 15 years you have not countered his threats so he is content that his threats will have the desired effect.  If he asks you to choose between your hobby and your marriage, choose the hobby.....the choice is not between your hobby and your marriage, it is between your hobby and his ability to control you.  Your husband sees through a very warped filter and it is your job to decide what is real and what is not.  You are a free woman, you live in a free country and it is not his right to take that away from you.  He sounds like a very insecure individual and until those insecurities are taken care of, your situation will remain the same.  This option will escalate the unhealthy behavior, but bringing it to a head may be what is needed to get into counseling.  Just remember that when abusers lose control, they will promise anything to get back in control.  Long term behavioral and heart changes are what you are looking for.  The third option is to get out of the relationship altogether.  In all honesty, statistics show that these types of individuals are rarely rehabilitated.  They have built a life on control and manipulation, it works for them and there is no reason to give it up.  The more his control techniques work on you, the longer he will use them.  Enabling him by being compliant doesn't work, it just drains you.

Please go to my website at www.livingwellcc.com and click on library.  Go to the category of abuse and click on Cycle of Domestic Violence.  This may open your eyes somewhat as to exactly what is going on and what your part in it is.  Bringing your son up in this environment only teaches him to that these are acceptable ways to treat women and the cycle will more than likely continue to some extent in the next generation.

If you are going to get your life back, you will need to take it back.  He isn't going to give it to you.  I truly wish you well with this.  It is a difficult journey no matter what you choose, but freedom is worth it.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings, Kriss