Expert: David Simonsen - 12/11/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have been seeing a wonderful man and we click on so many levels. But he has an issue with his ex, divorced 5 years, that I believe spills into our relationship. She will not speak to him directly. Information that is shared regarding their children, such as needs, appts, activities, school, care arrangements, etc. She will relay a question through the child in his presence, send an e-mail, or convey the message with the child to give to their father. He is a good, devoted, and responsible father. I know this is extremely abusive behavior toward him and his children. Is her behavior and his toleration of it explain his adamant stand on not allowing me to be a part of his and his children life? They do not know I exist and we've been seeing each other exclusively for over a year. He'll say it is because he doesn't want to devastate his children emotionally. He is such a strong, intelligent, and insightful man; it not only hurts me to see him treated this way but it pains me that he can't seem to break free and demand at least civil treatment. I've tried to discuss the many aspects that this type of relationship harms his children, himself and our relationship but he is not open to discussions in this area. I love this man and want to be share a more intimate relationship in his life, which includes his children. Please share any advice you may be able to provide - either for him or myself.

ANSWER: Valli,
If he had written me this is the advice I would give him. Don't date until your kids are 18. If you have to date then limit contact with your girlfriend. So he is doing what I would suggest he do. You have to recognize that this has nothing to do with you. If you continue to insert yourself he will probably leave you. He has a way he wants to deal with this and protect his kids. Let him. He recognizes the hurt his kids have suffered and doesn't want to take the chance of them being hurt more. He recognizes that letting the kids know about you could make his kids feel threatened and he doesn't want to take that chance. The sooner you recognize and be okay with this the better your relationship will be. If you can't be OK with it then you may want to move on.
David
www.help4life.net

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I thank you and appreciate your advice and view. Though I don't fully agree with you or my man, I love him enough to respect his wishes, even though it is difficult not to take it personally. I would think it that it would be good for the children to be exposed to a respectful loving relationship rather than the poisonous dysfunctional one they have witnessed between the parents. I also realize I asked two questions. You did not address the manipulation of the ex-wife through use of the "silent treatment". I know this behavior is all about control. Regardless, I will continue to read books and articles that help me toward better relationship skills and apply them to my life and our relationship. Again, thank you - I looked forward to your reply.  

Answer
Valli,
You may not agree with me or your boyfriend, but I think that if you stay in this relationship knowing the challenges in it you can't complain about it in the future if you stay in it long-term. This child is in a bad place because of two adults who couldn't figure things out. Yes, I agree kids would do better with healthy relationships, but these two people couldn't get along while they were married so there is not much chance of it now. As far as the silent treatment, all the boyfriend could really do is see what the parenting plan says. I would assume there is something in it related to not using the child to communicate. If there isn't then your boyfriend may want to address that.
David
www.help4life.net