Expert: David Simonsen - 12/28/2009

Question
Thank you in advance for your time. I have a 35 yo son. He lives with his wife's family. He has a 12 year history of drug abuse. He says he is no longer using and goes weekly to a methadone clinic. He has become very abusive verbally to me. The last time I talked to him, or I should say, he talked to me was a few days ago. He was angry about his 17 yo son moving in with me. He was screaming, cursing, making threats. My grandson got the phone and he started the same with him. He believes his son should be forced to live with him if he isn't going to live with his mother. My grandson won't even consider this. He only has bad memories of his dad. Since my son was about 14 yo, he has blamed me for everything that goes wrong in his life. Before I would just cut off communication. Now my son says he is dying from the effects of using for years. How can I provide a loving, safe home for my grandson, and not stay in a state of depression. I feel guilty. I'm not sure why. My life is just drama after drama with my son. I think for my own sanity and that of the rest of my family, I'm going to have to shut him out of my life. If my son needs anything, I've always done my best to provide it. But if any thing bad happens it's "because you are the worst mother that ever lived." I don't know about his health....this may just be another way to get to me. On the other hand, I don"t want my son to go to the grave hating his mother. Please...any insight will be very appreciated.

Answer
Deborah,
Addicts use people. You are experiencing that with your son. Your focus should be on your grandson not your son. You can't change what he hates or not. You have seen that when you make attempts at doing something good for him he treats you bad. You have also seen that when you put up boundaries he treats you bad. You can't win. I would let him know clearly that you want limited contact with him, unless he can treat you better. If he doesn't treat you better then don't answer phone calls etc...
David
www.help4life.net