Expert: Azure - 12/19/2009

Question
I am in a relationship that started out GREAT. Unfortunately I started having sex with the guy very early on in the relationship and I felt totally IN LOVE. He would come over and sleep with me every night and the relationship became almost marriage-like in my mind. I was looking for stability and commitment but he did not show any sign of wanting anything else but what we had. At times we had arguments and he showed no sign of EVER GIVING IN.

I finished a year of an academic program and was set to leave town and had no plans for returning. In my last week we were together in the car and he said I was full of bullshit. I was shocked and stunned. I had been waiting all week for him to show me great love and the desire to stay together but he showed no sign of any of these things. I became full of rage. I kicked him out of the car and I called another guy up and asked if he wanted to go out. 2 hours later the other guy was kissing me and my boyfriend walks by. I realized how messed up I was being and I told the guy I was with that I was in love with my boyfriend. I sought out my boyfriend and told him I loved him but that I wanted to see a commitment that we was unwilling to give me.

He cried and I cried. We made up. 3 months later I moved close to his home to try to be with him. My existence began to revolve around him completely, and yet instead of continuing to be devoted to me, now he appeared uninterested. He continued to come over and sleep with me daily, and yet there was nothing I could do to make him love me fully. The arguments continued. They began to get in the way of every outing. At times he was loving and protecting and then he would change into a hateful person with no INTEREST in my wellbeing. He threatened to leave me in unsafe places because he did not like my opinion in a disagreement.

He made a plan to visit his daughter for her birthday and he expected me to accompany him to pick out the presents for her even though he has never been willing to introduce her to me. We picked out the presents and then we went to eat dinner. He chewed me out at dinner because I was arranging the presents for about 5 minutes before eating.
He did not like me going to see a movie. He became enraged when I would not answer his phone calls and yet he routinely did not answer mine.
One day I found myself crying my eyes out in his car and threatening to kill myself because I felt alone and life had no meaning. I grabbed the phone recharger cord and wrapped it around my neck as if to strangle myself. All he said was look, just dont hurt my recharger.
The following day I was still sick with a flu he had given me. He went to go visit his daughter. When he left he kissed me goodbye and he said he would be coming back early in the afternoon.

He called me 3 times from 2:30-3:00 but I was asleep and did not answer. When I got up and saw the calls, I called him back, but out of spite he decided not to answer me. I called him about 15 times between 4:00-10:00 pm and yet he did not answer. It was cold and dark and I was sick. I was even worried about him thinking that maybe he had had car problems or else that he was with another woman. Thousands of thoughts rushed through my head.

When he got home he was non-chalant as usual. He finally answered the phone as he rolled into the parking lot just to say "so how does it feel to not be answered?". I said where have you been I have been calling you and waiting for you for hours. His response? "I can come home whenever I want."

I again felt full of rage. I had to walk a mile at night just to get to his house. I carried a knife in my purse for protection. I slashed one of his tire and I said it looks like your car isnt so hot anymore huh. He did not understand what had happened because apparently he had not seen what I did. I told him I slashed your tire. He became very angry and called me many expletives. I said if you dont tell me where you were and why you did this I will slash the others. He said I will never want to see you again if you do this. I said I dont care. I ended up slashing all 4 tires in a fit of rage.
I had lived for 7 months putting up with all of his jealousy and possessiveness, just waiting for him to become the person I had initially fell in love with. But that person never returned. Now, he was hurting me beyond measure. I had always recognized my error in going out with that other guy instead of talking about the problems but he had never been able to recognize ANY errors on his part.
I felt like I had been carrying an imaginary relationship on my back for a year and now I had just found out that that heavy elephant of a relationship was full of air.

I went away the following day and stayed with a female friend. He called me at night to find out where I was in a jealous way. When I returned home because I could not keep staying with my friend, he came back to my rented room, knocked on the window and when I cracked it open, he jumped inside the room and began ranting. He tried to sleep with me but I no longer felt sexual desire for him.

I am so confused. He wants to continue with me but he blames me for everything. He continues to say that I need to stop making him jealous and that I am the cause of all of our problems.

I feel awful about slashing the tires, but I am just in such a bad emotional state right now I don't know if I should believe him when he says he loves me and he can show me love again. I have spent so much time waiting for him to show me love. I devoted my life to him but as I grew more attached he grew more uninterested.

I never thought my life would be this messy.  

Answer
you just painted a picture of a totally addictive, unhealthy arrangement, that should have ended LONG ago; each of you needs counseling, and shouldn't even CONSIDER being in ANY relatonship until the therapy has been completed; this guy has seen you as nothing but a sexual object, and his treatment of you proves it; you, due to your low self-esteem, insecurity, neediness, wanted/needed it to be so much more, that you thought it was OWED you, and instead of leaving as you should have, lived with pain, frustration, resentment, all because you weren't willing to believe that this jerk wasn't gonna change..you even resorted to violence rather than walk away;  he, being equally dependent, will say what he needs to in order to keep you around for more abuse, and once you give in, the whole dysfunctional pattern will again emerge; so, you can continue to fester in this toxic mess, or finally muster up the willpower to walk away for GOOD, save yourself, begin a process to change your emotional issues, have a real chance at true happiness...take your pick..