Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/28/2009

Question
Hello i have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3 of them years. At the begining of our relationship he cheated on me with a work colleuge and i forgive him because he told me it was a mistake and that he wanted to be with me. Then we married and have two children. I was seeing over the years of being with him that he used to email girls on the internet asking them to meet up (i dont have proof whether he did or not) and said how nice they look on pictures, i confronted him about this and would always deny it and hit me at times when i accused him even though he knew he was doing what i was accusing him of. Now he admits he was wrong and that he is ashamed but he still has traits of controlling behaviour. If he says something and i get offended will tell him but he goes mad and says that i am be too defensive and take things the wrong way and he will punish me for it (may ignore me all night and answer me with attitude) also if i am doing some housework and i do it in a different way he does it he will tell me to change the way i am doing it becaue i am doing it wrong and the way he does it is the right way, he tells me that i need telling what and how to do things and always making jokes on how i used to be before i met him and that he helped me a lot. Also just recently he walked out on me, ignored me for 3 days because he said i am too defensive, i dont take things maturely and i am too paronoid and threatened to leave me for good unless i change and also i have a phobia of lifts and tried telling me i have a year to sort this out or we will have problems saying that this affects our releationship when it clearly does not, just because i choose to use the stairs. Also if i dont feel like having sex one day/night he will turn round and make comments like oh some woman have sex all the time ect ect and he will sulk and wont show any other intemcy unless i have sex. He will just push me to do it. Also throughout our relationship he has always found things that i need to change and if i dont change them to the way he wnats he will punish me of threaten to leave me. Is this emotional abuse.

Answer
Dear Samantha,
Thank you for writing and I am so sorry to hear of the trouble you are having.  This does sound like a very difficult situation and I can understand your frustration with it.  To answer your question, yes, this is emotional abuse.  There are also other things going on here as well such as control and manipulation, but that is all part of abuse.

I do have a problem with the idea that cheating on you is a "mistake".  A mistake is when you bring home the wrong brand of dog food from the store.  Cheating on your spouse or significant other is a choice, not a mistake as are his choices to contact other women on the internet.  

At the very least, this man is very unhealthy.  His choices to punish, withdraw, withhold love and control you are immature as well as unhealthy responses to whatever problems you may be having with each other.  It is also ridiculous to continue pointing out the flaws in another person without dealing with the flaws in his own life, especially when there are phobias involved.  If you could have dealt with that fear on your own, I'm sure you would have.  The loving thing to do would be to offer help and assistance with the goal of building up the relationship rather than tearing it down.

There are a couple of things that need to happen here.  If you can establish some boundaries with him, they need to be established regarding how he treats you, his desire for other women etc.  Forgiveness is a virtue, and you can do that, but at the same time you need to set appropriate limits with regard to how he is treating you.  Controlling another person is never OK, and you have the right to be and think the way you want to....unless it is inappropriate or doing significant harm to another.  For example, an appropriate boundary with the housework might be that when he complains about the way you do it, let him know that if he isn't satisfied with how you do the housework, he can do it....and then let him.  Explain to him that you do the housework in a way that is best for you and as long as the house is getting clean, unless he wants to do the work himself, he needs to keep his opinions to himself.  As far as sex is concerned, in all reality Samantha, why would you want to have sex with him?  He isn't safe, he doesn't treat you well and there is nothing about his treatment of you that would promote a loving environment.  His lack of empathy towards you in this area indicates that he has little or no understanding of what it takes to create an intimate relationship and he views women as objects rather than living, breathing, feeling individuals.  If he doesn't get what he wants he either lashes out or withdraws love.  This kind of lack of feeling, coupled with his inappropriate and controlling behavior is unhealthy as well as immature.

Your husband has established a parent/child relationship with you rather than a husband/wife relationship.  He controls you through pressure, manipulation and criticism and because you want to be loved...who doesn't...you feel you need to change in order to please him.  If you have to be someone other than who you are in order to be with someone, that person is not the right person for you.

My suggestion to you both would be to find a good counselor and invest in some long term marriage counseling.  He needs some socialization and just basic people skills, and you could use some help with rebuilding your self esteem and learning how to set appropriate boundaries with regard to how you allow others to treat you.  If he is unwilling to go, then you may want to go yourself.  It will strengthen you in ways that will serve you well in the long run.  

I hope this has helped you and if you need further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
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