Expert: David Simonsen - 12/17/2009

Question
My question will come after a little back history.  I am dating a man who was previously physically, verbally and emotionally abused by his parents.  He has had a history with drugs and recently fell off the wagon; he is now clean 36 days.  He has an explosive temper and threatens to hurt himself, he verbally abuses himself, and can be verbally abusive with me when he passes the "point of no return".  I call them temper tantrums but multiply a kids tantrum by 10,000 and that is close to what he is like.  He is now taking antidepressants and anti anxiety medication and i can see a difference in how is handling himself when he comes across and obstacle.  But I just dont know what to do to help him or myself.  These "tantrums" cause me to become a mess, I get angry back, I beg, I cry, I get impatient, I plead, I feel like Im in a hurricane trying keep the house from being blown away.  I feel like Im spinning and lately I have gotten to a mental breaking point.  This man is wonderful and loving during his good moments and there are more of them but I just need some advice.  How do I help him through his recovery of abuse?  How do I take care of myself?  How do I care for a man who has spent a lifetime being abused enter a life that is loving?  Please, I am at my wits end.  

Answer
Lynn,
You can't change him. I also can't answer this question because what you are wanting to do is hazardous to your health. You shouldn't be dating him and he shouldn't even be dating. He needs to be clean and sober for at least a year before he should be dating. I also think you should really talk to yourself and see why you would be want to rescue someone like this. He needs professional help, not a girlfriend who will yell back at him when she reaches her breaking point.
David
www.help4life.net