Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/27/2009

Question
My friend really needs help (not just saying its a friend!) She has been with this guy for three years. all throughout i cant tell  you how many times they have fought because he goes to parties, and ignores her calls..etc. They have broken up numerous times and gotten back together. He has also cheated on her twice and she forgave him! I believe he is a narrsist or sociopath because everytime she trys to get away from him for good he makes it seem like its all her fault that he did wrong. He even once called her and screamed at her because HE is having a bad day! He ALWAYS threatens suicide and my friend really believes it because he says that without her he has no one, which is kind of true because he lives with his old grandma (hes 19 by the way) and his mom is a crackhead that calls him and always yells at him, his dad doesnt talk to him..he does have sisters and brother that he barely talks to. He has no job, graduated a year ago but not going to school. spends his money on weed and alcohol. My friend continues to talk to him/hang out with him because she doesnt want him to kill himself. What should she do in this situation? shes convinced he will kill himself if she leaves....

Answer
Dear Amelia,
I'm so sorry to hear that your friend is having this kind of trouble.  These relationships are very complicated and for friends and loved ones, they are hard to watch, as you know.

In regard to the suicide threats, those are relatively easy to handle.  Suicide threats come from one of two places, they are real or they are manipulations to control another person.  In either case, the answer is the same.  When he threatens suicide, she needs to call 911 and have him taken away.  This sounds cruel, but let me explain the reasoning behind it.  If the threat is real...this young man needs to be in a place where he is safe, with people who know how to stabilize him and bring him back to a more stable emotional state.  If this is a manipulation, the threat of true consequences is usually enough to make the person stop...so you see, it is an effective and humane way to proceed in that situation.

The other situation is not that easy....mainly because even though this young man is out of control and in a lot of pain to be acting this way, this is more about your friend and her errors in thinking than it is about him.  1)  This young man is in the business of destroying relationships....as you said, he has none in his life and there is a real reason why he can't sustain a relationship with another person, therefore, the failure of this relationship is not your friend's responsibility and she has taken it on as if it were...2)  Whether he says something is her fault or not doesn't make it so.  A person is responsible for their own feelings, behaviors and responses so whatever he is doing, he is choosing to do so and she doesn't own that in any way...3) Emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships like this...there is something wrong with her thinking if she keeps going back to him after he has proved himself untrustworthy and irresponsible....4)  If he truly is suicidal, it is because of the drugs and alcohol, not because she is or is not with him...this is truly the thinking of an alcohol/drug effected mind and it has little to do with your friend.  

Your friend needs to get herself to the nearest women's center or domestic violence organization and find an abuse counselor who can help her get HER thinking straight.  She can't save him, she can't change him...he has to do that himself.  All she can do is take control of her own life and get herself healthy so the next man she chooses to be with is healthier.  She needs to learn boundaries, self respect and what she is and is not responsible for.

I hope this has helped.  You can't do much in the situation other than encourage her to help herself.  She doesn't have the skills to help him so if she truly cares about him, she will call the authorities the next time he threatens suicide and force him to get the help he so desperately needs.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,
Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com