Expert: Dana Q - 2/21/2009

Question
Dear Dana,
I was hoping you could help me with some tips on how to deal with an
emotionally abusive mother.
My mum has been emotionally abusive to me my whole life. She regularly  
said and called me some disgusting things when i lived at home, ridiculed me
over my body and intelligence, made fun of me in front of others both her
friends and mine. She molested me as a kid and made me feel to ashamed of
myself to tell anyone. Now she blackmails me and tells me I have "made
everything up" and that im "imagining it". She has a really nasty temper and
as a teenager she often threw things at me and pushed me or grabbed me,
hurting me. Anyway these are just some of the things she would do to me. I
cut her off for 8 months but had to see her for the first time yesterday for my
sisters 18th birthday. It was weird. She was happy to see me at first (she
always comes across as a loving mother in front of other people) and kept
hugging me and telling me how great it was to see me. Anyway, when I was
getting set to leave the party she called me to the the side and asked me to
go to her room with her quickly. So I did even though I felt anxious and
nervous about it, I thought il give her a chance, shes in an ok mood and iv
not spoken to her for 8 months. Anyway, I go into her room with her, then she
turned and locked her door and put the key in her pocket. Then she just
switched personality, she got the nastiest look in her eye and it made me
shudder. She started insisting to know why id cut her off and i told her it was
because she had been so abusive and I couldn't take it anymore as it had
really effected my self esteem. This made her really angry and she accused
me of making this all up, again and spat that she was the most loving mother
anyone could ask for! She just kept repeating that im a lier and an ungrateful
bitch and that shes doesn't have a temper at all. even though she was there
getting really fired up, as she does so easily. So I told her I had to go, this
wasn't the time for this discussion and she refused to unlock the door until id
spoken to her and agreed that "yes, i am a lier" which i refused. It wasn't until
my sister was banging on her door that she unlocked it and let me go. So iv
decided to continue to keep my distance from her but I keep getting really
down about why she is like this. I get down also because cutting her off
effects my relationship with my little siblings as they live with her. I'm not
trying to come across as a victim here but im just really stuck as to how to
feel about all this, I know that she will never change. Since I left home 2.5
years ago she has started verbally abusing my little sister a lot more so she is
rarely at home either. Any advice would be appreciated if its poss to give it.
Thanks for listening!

Answer
Dear Sarah,

Thanks for writing to me.  I know very well what you're going through as I grew up with an abusive mother whose behavior was quite similar.  You are right that she will never change.  Your mother is a very sick person who cannot see her behavior for what it truly is - abuse.  Unfortunately, the only way you can protect yourself is to cut off contact completely with her.  I know this makes having a relationship with your siblings difficult.  Depending on how old they are, explain to them that your problem is not with them but with your mother.  Then see if there is a way to continue the relationship without putting yourself in your mother's path.  Are they old enough, for instance, that they can come visit you in your home?  If so, that is the way to go.  If they are too young for that, then unfortunately your relationship will have to wait until they are old enough to act for themselves.  Anything else will result in you being further abused and damaged by your mother, and you have to be able to protect yourself from that.

I hope this helps a little.

Dana Q