Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/3/2009

Question
I'm in a relationship with a women who has recently gotten out of a 5 year abusive relationship. The issue is she has a son with her ex. He is a great father so far from what i see he was just truly abusive to her emotionally, and physically. The child is there everlasting bond between them so he will always be there but how do I show her she doesn't have to submit or be afraid of him anymore. I've had a conversation with the man so it is known him physically abusing her ever again is not a option. With all my attempts to be her rock he still dominates and still has control on her. I don't know what to do to help. So can you.

Answer
Dear Anthony,
It is truly admirable of you to be a stable influence in her life.  Abusive relationships are very complicated and very, very destructive to those who are in them.  Although I could give you a very long explanation about what may have happened to your friend, the bottom line is that you do not have the skills to help her heal.  

There are emotional reasons why she stayed in the relationship that long and most women who leave abusive relationships suffer from PTSD in one form or another.  Her ex has conditioned her over the years and she responds instinctively to that conditioning. Once someone has been conditioned like that, the abuser doesn't need to physically abuse, the threat of it is enough and the victim usually is conditioned to cue into looks, mannerisms, tone of voice etc.  It will take her time and counseling to heal from what has happened to her.

Most of the time abusive men seem to be good fathers, but in reality, if the child is young, they don't pose a threat.  When the child gets to the point of being able to exercise their own will, things can change and often do.  Abuse is all about control, so when something becomes uncontrollable, abuse happens.  

The best thing that you can do is to encourage your friend to get into counseling.  Most Women's Centers have free abuse counseling if money is an issue.  She will need a professional to help her heal and walk the path back to identity and peace.  Having someone in her life like you, who is supportive and stable will help along the way.

If you stay with your friend long term, you will also be connected to this man and affected by him until her child is 18+ so you might benefit from being a part of the counseling at some point as well.

I wish you all the best as this is a difficult path.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com