Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/27/2009

Question
Hi, I have a situation I'm not sure how to deal with. My wife and I have been married for 6 years, both on our 2nd marriage. We have a son who's 5 and she has 3 children from her first marriage (all grown). She came from a physical and mental abusive marriage while mine was just a matter of not the right fit and ended civilly.  Over the years she has become what I think is more and more abusive(mentally) towards me. She wants projects done around the house and I am happy to comply, but when I put in an honest effort at something she goes off on a rant about how its not perfect and I don't care or it's not exactly level and how could I do that. This will come to name calling and arguing. It's gotten to now I don't want to do anything without her standing there and measuring or leveling a line to avoid an argument. Then theres the matter of money. I am not allowed to have any cash on me and if I happen to get change from some transaction and don't turn it over she accuses me of lying and hiding things. Being the main income in the family I feel like i should be entitled to something of my own, am I wrong? This money problem also flows into the credit cards which she watches like a hawk. Now I have nothing to hide so I don't care but if I happen to get lunch out she explodes at my spending of a lousy 1.98 at Taco bell. One more part of this relationship is the lack of sex. I have the normal sex drive while she has no sex drive (or so she says). This gets very frustrating for me and I don't push the issue so then she accuse me of getting it elsewhere cause " all guys need it" (her words). I do try to initiate sex quite often with her and am turned away for one reason or another.   So what do I do about this relationship? Is it doomed ?

Answer
Dear Tom,
I found your question in the question pool so will do my best to answer it.  I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles.  It must be very frustrating for you.

My first response would be to recommend some marriage counseling.  There are some real control issues here and control is a coping mechanism that people use to keep themselves safe.  It is not beyond the realm of possibility that what you are experiencing is a result of the abuse.  In lieu of or in addition to marriage counseling, it might be good for her to engage in some abuse counseling, but that would be her choice.  If she is not willing to get help for these issues, they probably will not change on their own.  

There is another possibility that comes to mind, but you would need to decide about it based on what you know and have experienced in your relationship.  Visit a website at www.bpdcentral.org and read about Borderline Personality Disorder.  I am not convinced that this is the issue, but it is worth exploring.

I wish you well and hope you are able to find the information you need to make some informed choices about what to do.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss