Expert: Dana Q - 2/16/2009

Question
This might take a while to explain but bear with me...

My husband and I have been married for a about 2 1/2 years..we dated a year before we were married and we have a one and a half year old son and I also have a 5 year old step daughter to give you a background

I will take you all the way to the beginning to give a run down to get a for sure answer! Thanks in advance too!

I met my husband and everything was great..I was in the military and he was a local boy so it was nice to have someone to show me around town and he was loads of fun. I knew he had a daughter and I was fine with that. I found out about 2 months into the relationship from his mother that he was separated from his current wife..RED FLAG...he had told me he was married but i thought they were already divorced. I cried about it and he told me that they were separated and they would be divorced in 2 months time..they just had to wait it out...so I waited and I think it was probably almost 6 months after that when the divorce was finally final...he did go back to her twice and I just stood there waiting for him to come back..like a crazy person. LOVE...

To continue on they were divorced and we were married 2 months later..and expecting ..the next year of my life there was a cycle of abuse. If he was drinking he was yelling at me and cussing at me and being hateful. I was never raised to back down when someone is attacking me so 2 plus 2 didnt add up very well and we had some altercations. Not while I was pregnant but soon there after I had our son. It was horrible..I have had to stop him from trying to kill himself twice. Once he tried to hang himself in the bathroom and I barely got in there in time bc he was upset bc of things I said during an argument. All the while I have stood by him because I don't want to break up our family. It seems I gave him so many chances because I don't want my son to grow up in a broken home. My husband even ended up cheating on me with his ex wife and 2 other girls (whom I see often) when we were fighting bad..so we were legally separated and I decided to date someone just to see what was out there. In the end we decided to work things out...and it has been like a dramatic change. He was hired at a new very good respectable job and is away at training right now. But after he was hired at this job there have been no over drinking(if any at all), no hitting, no cussing, no cheating it is like he is a new person. There is a voice in the back of my head that says you should have ran when you found out he was still married when you dated or the first time he touched you or when he down graded you. I just can't forgive myself for still being in the situation even though it has changed so dramatically from what it once was. I don't know if I can ever forget all the horrible things that have happened. It feels like everytime he touches me it is a lie. Do you think people can really change or is this just a cycle? He does have a cycle like abusers have but it seems that the abuse triggers on alcohol..I don't know if I can be happy in this situation but I don't want to be selfish for my son because he loves his father and has been in this house since he was born. I would have to move out if I left..another long story. Please give me some guidance on what the course of action should be in your opinion of course. Thank you and if you need any more details I will be glad to let you know.

Answer
Hi Christi,

Thanks for writing to me.  All of the research I have read on abuse indicates that abusers do not change, mainly because they don't admit to themselves that they are doing something wrong.  What you are experiencing right now is the "honyemoon" phase of his cycle - it's just an extended period right now.  Once he settles in to his new job and the excitement dies down, he will most likely begin abusing you again.  As for whether the alcohol triggers it, personally I don't think people do things drunk that they don't secretly want to do when they're sober.  If you told me that your husband was in treatment for these issues, I might be a bit more hopeful, but as it stands now, I think you are in danger of being abused again.  Please, please, please consider leaving, if only for the sake of your son.  You say that you are worried about him growing up in a broken home, but ask yourself if you want him growing up watching his mother be abused - and possibly being abused one day himself?  Do you want him growing up thinking that this is something normal?  You are feeling skeptical about your husband's behavior for a reason- it's because you know deep down that this is just a phase.  You have the opportunity to listen to your gut instincts this time and get out of this situation.

Good Luck,

Dana Q