Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/16/2009

Question
This might take a while to explain but bear with me...

My husband and I have been married for a about 2 1/2 years..we dated a year before we were married and we have a one and a half year old son and I also have a 5 year old step daughter to give you a background

I will take you all the way to the beginning to give a run down to get a for sure answer! Thanks in advance too!

I met my husband and everything was great..I was in the military and he was a local boy so it was nice to have someone to show me around town and he was loads of fun. I knew he had a daughter and I was fine with that. I found out about 2 months into the relationship from his mother that he was separated from his current wife..RED FLAG...he had told me he was married but i thought they were already divorced. I cried about it and he told me that they were separated and they would be divorced in 2 months time..they just had to wait it out...so I waited and I think it was probably almost 6 months after that when the divorce was finally final...he did go back to her twice and I just stood there waiting for him to come back..like a crazy person. LOVE...

To continue on they were divorced and we were married 2 months later..and expecting ..the next year of my life there was a cycle of abuse. If he was drinking he was yelling at me and cussing at me and being hateful. I was never raised to back down when someone is attacking me so 2 plus 2 didnt add up very well and we had some altercations. Not while I was pregnant but soon there after I had our son. It was horrible..I have had to stop him from trying to kill himself twice. Once he tried to hang himself in the bathroom and I barely got in there in time bc he was upset bc of things I said during an argument. All the while I have stood by him because I don't want to break up our family. It seems I gave him so many chances because I don't want my son to grow up in a broken home. My husband even ended up cheating on me with his ex wife and 2 other girls when we were fighting bad..so we were legally separated and I decided to date someone just to see what was out there. In the end we decided to work things out...and it has been like a dramatic change. He was hired at a new very good respectable job and is away at training right now. But after he was hired at this job there have been no over drinking(if any at all), no hitting, no cussing, no cheating it is like he is a new person. There is a voice in the back of my head that says you should have ran when you found out he was still married when you dated or the first time he touched you or when he down graded you. I just can't forgive myself for still being in the situation even though it has changed so dramatically from what it once was. I don't know if I can ever forget all the horrible things that have happened. It feels like everytime he touches me it is a lie. Do you think people can really change or is this just a cycle? He does have a cycle like abusers have but it seems that the abuse triggers on alcohol..I don't know if I can be happy in this situation but I don't want to be selfish for my son because he loves his father and has been in this house since he was born. I would have to move out if I left..another long story. Please give me some guidance on what the course of action should be in your opinion of course. Thank you and if you need any more details I will be glad to let you know.

Answer
Dear Christi,
I am so sorry to hear of the pain that you are going through.  Decisions such as you are facing can be very difficult as there are so many things to consider.  You have a pretty good grasp of the situation, which may make it easier once the emotional situation recedes a little.

The question you are asking is really one that you have to answer.  You know your situation, your children and your husband much better than I do.  Your husband sounds as though he has a lot of issues and although you didn't indicate how much he drinks, alcohol does not cause abuse, it only takes the lid off of it.  The hurts that motivate the abuse are there already.

Having a job is important in a man's life.  It gives him a place to belong and a sense of purpose.  It is possible that he feels better about himself which has produced the dramatic change.  However, as you may know, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.  Whatever his triggers are for the abuse, they still exist so you will need to watch for that and make your decisions.

With regard to the suicide, you are describing something very serious.  If there is a hint that this will happen again, you must call the authorities.  A suicidal person needs to be in a safe place, being taken care of by people trained to deal with that.  People in their right mind do not take their lives so he either has some kind of emotional problems going on or it is manipulation.  Either way, a call to the authorities will take care of it.  

I would encourage you to get into counseling if you can.  Being able to process with a third party is helpful to keep reality in view.  I also would encourage you to read the literature on raising kids in a violent home.  I think you will find that more experts agree that raising children in an abusive home is more detrimental to them than the divorce itself.  Watching parents fight with each other is very traumatic to a child and creates insecurity.  A child will usually model what they grow up with so to have role models who cheat, hit, drink and mistreat each other isn't the finest place for a child to grow up.

Abusive relationships are hard enough to heal from.  When you add unfaithfulness, trust is broken on such a fundamental level that many marriages don't survive.  Your husband will have to prove himself trustworthy in order for you to heal from the past.  If he is not able to do that, you have to evaluate what kind of a relationship you can maintain without trust.

I wish you well as you face some very hard decisions.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com