Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/23/2009

Question
  I am 62 years old and my son is 27, my wife died 3 years ago from brain cancer. I have no one else to confide in, so here goes.
I don't know what to do about my son inability to accept constructive criticism. I truly feel that he feels inadequate in dealings with all life’s challenges. In order to make himself feel better, he starts verbal abusing the only people who will listen, the people that care and love him.
  He has just ended a on again off again 2 1/2 year relationship with a girl he met on My Space who actually moved into my home from 900 miles away in the winter of 2006 to begin a relationship with him.
  My son has been in 5 relationships with girls, the first 4 being in the normal dating situation with them all living at home. During those first four relationship from time to time while he was at home, I would hear loud vulgar conversations coming from his room while on his cell phone and I
would confront him during those conversations as to why he need to speak to anyone that way.
           I also would check his phone from time to time to try see who he was actually was speaking to, which when he discovered this it put us at odds. This also gave him the chance to avoid the real problem of his verbal abuse, and only bring up talk about my invading his privacy. The 4th girl in
this span actually told me the reason she ended the relationship was his verbal abuse.  
           My son seams to place more emphasis on pleasing friends than on those who actually have feelings for him. This last girl had much more of an effect on all of us coming here only 6 months after my wife’s death. She gave us all a lift kind of like having a child born into the family. She was 23 and seamed perfect for my son she was attractive, athletic, and confident.
           She has told me that she came here because my son had said that they would have a place of their own, I am sure he must have mentioned it. The house was not ready to move in, but I agreed to complete it when weather permitted. They moved in July 2007, thinking that would give them the privacy they deserved. My son at the time had a daytime job an umpired baseball games at night, which left very little time to spend together. My son then allowed it to be a hangout for some of his male friends who would bring alcohol. My son’s friends didn’t accept her, because she was taking away the life of the party. You could imagine how uncomfortable that was for her, but my son didn’t seam to understand her complaints.                                                 I supported her financially (with out any string attached) when she first came here so she wouldn’t lose her car, and at times treated her like a daughter on her birthday and Christmas only to come under fire by my daughter who felt I treated her better than Jeff her husband. Which caused some resentment toward her, which was intensified by comments she made about my daughter razing of her children. My daughter for whatever reason has taken things that I have said in frustration in trying to deal with the way my son has acted and used them to try to divide us.
           Whenever they would argue according to her, he would insult her by calling her fat, thunder thighs, freak, weird, and I am not attracted to you. When it got to a point she could not handle it any longer (that would usually would be prompted by him urging her to leave) she would contact her mother who arranged for her brother to be flown here to pack her car and return to her parent’s home in Florida.
     He would call her and apologize and within a few weeks, he would convince her to return only to have the same thing repeat a few months later.
           She decided it was time to make sure she could provide for herself and return to school to become a dental assistant near a school in Boston.
She started in school in September of 2008, and by the middle of October he had decide to quit his job and move to Boston. She had told him before he moved out there that she never planed to return to his house, (I guess he felt if things went well, she would overlook the past and return for a short time) because of the problems that she felt my daughter and I had caused in there relationship. I have been told by her mother in an e-mail that I was the cause of my son verbal abuse, that it was a product of his living in my house.
           By moving to Boston he had the responsibility of finding a job, paying the majority of the expenses of an apartment.  He took a seasonal job with UPS, and when a better paying job came along with good starting rate of pay and chance to learn a trade and see a future only to be laid off 2 weeks into the New Year. He finally was feeling good about himself and being able to support the both of  them. He would call me on the way home from work everyday to explain what he did, and I would tell him how proud I was of him and now he could stay. He became discouraged about finding
another job with all his savings gone and having to ask me for money an the possibility of having to ask for more. I had told him that I was reluctant to give him any more money; my intentions were to get him to find any type job for the time being, while he kept looking. I explained to him that I had to work a job that at the time was very low in pay, but it paid the bills while I sought a better job.   
           There relationship became stressed and she decided after my son went to lunch with her brothers (which she loathes because of things done to her growing up) that it was the ultimate humiliation of her. She asked him to leave the next day, with the assistance of her brothers who were asked by her parents to remove him from the house.
           She has always felt Jay was not being true to her. She would look into his e-mails, and cell phone, which absolutely caused a lot of resentment. This is probably due to him being obsessed with his dedication to respond to text messages, with no regard to the people in his presence. He can spend hundreds of hours on the phone, but can become angered if I fail to make it through an intersection after the light turns yellow.
           There are things I wish my son had dealt with differently some of which I ashamed of, but the one thing I know about him he is not a player even after she would say its over he could not put himself in a position to move on.
           My son is the most important thing in my life right now, and I truly want him to be successful and happy. It is truly frightening to me not see that happen before my time here ends. I truly wanted for him to move to Boston, to break him free of the web his friends have him trapped in. The sorry part is when this college life style ends he will have lost a great portion of his life, which should have been spent developing a relationship with a special person and a career
     What is your opinion of the situation?
Thank you,
David Allendorf

Answer
Dear David,
I can hear the care and concern you have for your son.  I think it is every parent's desire to see their children be successful in life and move on with good social skills and abilities.  Watching them fall is so hard, isn't it?

You asked for my opinion and I will try to give you an honest appraisal as I see it.  The first thing to keep in mind when dealing with anyone is to decide whether you are helping them or enabling them.  Your son is 27 and at this point in his life, your role is one of influence.  It is not your job to police his habits or whereabouts or conduct.  He obviously has some issues that need attending to, but until he can see that this behavior doesn't work for him, there will be no motivation to change.  What he is exhibiting are classic signs of an abuser and he will need some professional help in order to overcome those behaviors.  However, that help will only work if HE wants it and he really wants to change.

Because of your life experience, you can see what is happening and where it will lead.  As parents, we would like our children to learn from our mistakes, build on them and launch into life on a higher plane than we did.  That just doesn't happen much of the time.  He has to learn some life lessons here that will be hard.  If they don't learn at home, life becomes their teacher and that is a much harder place to learn.

You are in the position of that old adage, give a man a fish and he eats for a day....teach a man to fish and he eats for the rest of his life.  What your son needs from you is not money, but a sounding board to help HIM figure out how to solve his problems.  If you take the gift of problem solving away from him, he will feel he isn't good enough and you teach him to depend on you.  

When he asks you for money or help, your answer might be, "Son, I am not in the position to give you money, but how can I help YOU solve this problem?"  You will then need to listen to his ideas, perhaps suggest some things, but let him try and encourage him to do so.  Don't solve the problem for him.  This is HIS life and these are HIS decisions; encourage him to find his own answers.  

You're right, it is painful to see someone floundering, but David, you can't control what he does with his life.  All you can do is require certain behavior in your home and if he doesn't comply, he doesn't get the privilege of living there.  There are boundaries in life...respect happens to be one of them.  If he is not contributing to your home financially, he should be required to do so.  He is an adult.  He should treat you with respect and honor.  Beyond those things, it is up to you to set the boundaries.

It is difficult to lose a mate and I am so sorry for your loss.  I can understand why your son is important to you...he fills a void that feels pretty empty, I'm sure.  You love him, you care for him and you want the best for him. You have been there all his life to pick up the pieces. However, ultimately what HE wants for himself is what determines his success or failure.  He is not a child anymore and you owe him the respect to treat him as an adult.  That often includes not doing for him what he can do for himself.

If I were to talk with your son, I might encourage him to seek counseling for his verbal abuse problems which taint his relationships.  Most individuals who start abusing as a way of coping with conflict need professional help in order to change.

I understand your concerns and can feel your desire to help him. I know you have tried to do right by him. If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.