Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/23/2009

Question
QUESTION: My husband and I split up two weeks ago in the past on occasion he has been physical with me and always been blamed on me(very rarely though twice a year) He tends to have drinking problem which he says he does sometimes and sometimes not.  He goes to AA sometimes and sometimes not.  This past summer we have a great couple friend that we spend a lot of time with and the husband and I got close emotionally and intimately(no actual sex though) My husband and I were having alot of financial issue and stress due to life and kids.  I was feeling so low and desperate about the choice we or really he was making.  He is a dreamer my husband and a hard worker but the best choices aren't always made by him.  My husband has always been willing to take the help that these friends offered even after he knew about the affair. This man are friend now says he loves me but he loves his wife too.  I dont want to be with him but my husband knows of the affiar and says he forgives me but everytime we argue it is always held over my head.  The guilt I live with is extremely powerful. I am drwan to both the wife and husband friends because of all the support thy have offered me and my husband in the past and now with are children, financial and emotionally.  My husband holds everything in and is not a good communicator but he also likes to blame everyone for all are problems. He wants me to have nothing to do with them even though she is like my bestfriend. And we are neighbours and are kids are friends. I am scared that the one person I need I am about to lose.  I have children and financially I am strapped with my husband but this couple are willing to help.  I am torn if I am friends with them at all he pretty much doesn't want to be with me but I feel I have almost always done everything he wants and I not sure he really wants me or the control.  I am afraid that this couple especially my girlfriend is manipulating me a little for fear of losing me as a friend.
I want to make the right choices but I am tired of being controled and afraid of letting anyone down. My husband has been pulling away and angry I think due to his hurt feelings which I completely understand.  We have been seperated for 2 weeks and he is telling me he is changed etc.. That he is getting help and that he is going to be the father he wasn't and that he wants to work through it.  He is also saying that he is not pleaing for me to come back to him but wants me to be happy.  But he still thinks are friendship is destructive with this couple and the he will have nothing to do with them and even wants me to move away.  HELP! Desperate!

ANSWER: Dear Jeanal,
You said that you are tired of being controlled which I can see and understand from what you wrote.  Part of what abusers do is to isolate you from friends and family.  This may be the reason for his reaction to this couple....but then again, he may feel that there is a threat to his marriage here as well.

If you are separated and he is telling you that he has changed and getting help, the best thing you can do is wait until you see some good fruit from that.  You don't have to take his word for it, because at this stage of the game, words mean very little.  You need to see "long term" behavior which comes from a change in heart attitude.  You won't be able to tell if the heart has changed in a short length of time.  It will take at least 6 months to a year for you to see the kinds of changes you need to see in order to have a successful relationship.  

My suggestion would be for you not to move towards living together again until you and his counselor believe it would be a good idea. I'm not sure moving out of one dependent relationship into another one is a good idea either.  Do some research on your own.  Contact your local women's center or have a consultation with a divorce attorney.  The more information you have, the better informed decision you will make.

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the answer but I do think I am getting off for the affair part a little.  I am not completely in the wrong for the separation but definitely did my part.  Things have change through some counselling.  I have or I am trying to completely break ties to this other couple due to the distruction it was caused in my life, my husbands and are marriage.  I am in the process to have my parents co sign so I cant get another house seeing as I am neighbors to these people and my husband wants me to move.  I am still unable to go over the affair with my husband and he is really hounding me about it and says until I talk to him about the details he will never move on and that I have ruined him and are marriage.  I know some of this is true but he doesn't even see the stuff I am trying to do to improve this situation.  I think he wants me to beg himto come back to me and that I am so so sorry and pretty much kiss his butt.  I do feel sorry and he knows this but I dont know if this marriage was ever very happy anyway so there is this bit of me that is relived that I finally had the strength to seperate if only temporarily,  He will never admit to his part in this marrioage breakdown now that the affair has happened it all lies on this not on the drinking and lying and basic marriage issue like not feeling appreciated ever and not communicating.  My heart feels empty and I am emotionless and he cant understand this and I really cant either.  i HAVE THOUGHT OF LEAVING BEFORE BUT WAS SO SCARED ABOUT EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY financially.  Now even without this couple support I realize I can do this on my own.  That I dont need alot but just enough that I am hard working and can find a job that will work for my family.  He is also mad that he is at his parents and how humiliating this is for him etc... He seems not to be able to get over this but he barely can come to the house now because he hates the place he says?  I am also afraid of telling him the details because he doesn't believe me anyways and he will use it against me.  We saw a pastor marital that made us talk about an immediate agreement to these problems for now until some personal counselling and then we can get to marital counselling. EX are like agreeing to get counselling and agreeing to trust that the other is doing what they need for themselves that he will not push about the affai at this point until further counselling, he would not drink, I would not have anything to do with the couple and  kids and some financial.  My husband has not stuck to one of these the day we mad them he called me at 3:30am ranting and raving about how I destroyed him and how he was going to hurt the guy and etc.. I know these are his hurt feelings but just earlier today we had agreed to not talk about.  He calls me horrible names whore,tramp0 etc.. I knopw I deserve this but he does not take any ownership for the mistakes in are marriage he mocks me about the issue he has like drinking lying control and the on occasion abuse.  He says that it is not true and that I am making it all up in my head.  I am starting to feel like maybe I am.  Please help me I am meeting him today to tell him all the details because I cant handle this anymore.

Answer
Dear Jeanal,
I realize that abusers can wear you down, but most counselors recommend against telling all the gory details.  It doesn't serve any fruitful purpose, although the spouse asking for the details thinks it does.  It usually serves to put pictures in their minds that torture them more.  

Financial pressures are huge considerations when leaving a spouse, but I am glad that you made the separation.  Your husband sounds like he has quite a few control issues and although pastoral counseling has its place, most pastors aren't equipped to be able to handle the kind of mental issues that abusers have.  Mostly what happens is putting the emphasis on behavioral changes which don't address the root issues of why the person is abusing in the first place.  Pastoral counseling has it's place, but your husband may have issues that need to be professionally addressed.

I know how difficult ranting can be, but perhaps what you need to do is not listen.  Establish those boundaries that cut off the conversation if he moves into control and manipulation.  You don't have to listen or be available for him to control.

I would encourage you to find an abuse counselor who can help you recover from the conditioning that you have lived with.  Taking care of yourself is a good thing.

The affair, although destructive to the marriage, is basically of symptom of underlying problems in the marriage that you are aware of.

Blessings,  Kriss