Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/14/2009

Question
My oldest brother's girlfriend called me this week to tell me about an incident that occurred over the weekend.  She stated that my brother went out with buddies and got extremely drunk.  She was called to go pick him up which she did.  When she got him home, he was puking in the bathroom.  She did not want him to leave the bathroom because she didn't want him to puke everywhere.  At this point, she told me he became violent.  He chased her around the house and held her down at one point.  He also threw her into a wall.  She eventually left the home for a few hours and returned later when he was asleep.  
 She claims she is okay and that this has never happened before (they've been together for 2 years).  She said that he was extremely remorseful this past week, but I am becoming concerned with his anger.  He has always had a hot temper which is just like our dad.  My dad was always very hard on him as a child and my brother is experiencing the same anger issues.  
  I am very scared for his girlfriend and wonder if I should approach him confidentially to talk about possible counseling.  I know it has to be his choice but I also know that his number 1 fear was to turn out like our father.  Our father was never aggressive toward our mother that I know of, it was more about the wall or other objects.  
 I am looking for any direction to head with this situation because it is killing me to know that my brother is making these choices.  I

Answer
Dear Julie,
It depends on your relationship with your brother.  If the two of you are close, if he trusts you, it might be a very good option to discuss this with him.  

Alcohol removes the inhibitions so what he has probably been controlling for quite some time came out with the alcohol.  Your brother is in a good place to make quality decisions right now and if you can talk with him in a loving, respectful and non threatening way and help him figure out what he wants to do in response to this situation, you could help him quite a bit.  

Many times when we make decisions not to be like our parents, we turn out like them.  He may need to be reminded of that and shown that his behavior is mirroring that of his father.  He has choices.

In regard to his girlfriend, she should think about removing herself from the situation until he gets help.  Anger and alcohol don't mix.  

I wish you luck with whatever decision you make.  You sound like a very caring person and your brother is lucky to have you in his life.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings, Kriss
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