Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/13/2009

Question
I have been with my now husband for 14 years.  I would say for the most part we are a happy couple.  However I think i am being mentally abused (know it i belive).  I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him all the time.  I don't want to make him mad, or have something set him off the dogs barking, kids being do loud.  He will come off with something like do i have to do everything myself?  Are you that lazy? If i try to defend myself at all or get at all upset he will say that we are not fight in front of the kids and that i am not mentally stable and need to leave. If i try to defend again he will start telling me i ma fat (i only weight 109 and 5 ft2), lazy, stupid, hes not attracted to me, hes embraced of me, and that i ma a horrible wife and mother.  Needles to say after all of that i am usually crying and then he will tell my 2 year old that i am going to the doctor to get better which is another lie.  My question is i don't want to leave him, but i think it might be best?  The second part is can this long cycle of bad habits be broke?  Or is all of this really in my head like he suggest?  I don't know what to do how to leave or if i am really going crazy???

Answer
Dear Brandi,
What you are describing in your question is most certainly abuse.  What he is doing fits the pattern of an emotional abuser very well...they make you the one at fault, never take any responsibility for their own actions.  He's like the bully on the playground.

If the abuser is willing to get help, there can be some hope.  If they do not, the cycle will continue to repeat until someone leaves.  It IS NOT in your head, but if you continue to listen to him and be berated and demeaned by him, you will begin to believe what he is saying.  That kind of conditioning steals your personal power.

People are responsible for their own emotions.  If he gets upset because the dog barks or the kids are loud, then HE has a problem, not you.  He is responsible for his emotions and for how he responds to others...you have no control over that, but it sounds as though he is trying to convince you that you do have control over it.  That is a lie....no one has any control over anyone other than themselves.  

This is not a BAD HABIT, this is a choice he is making to cope with life and until he takes responsibility for HIS choice, things will not change.  You can't make them change....you can't be good enough, quiet enough, clean enough or whatever...the problem is not you, it is him!

If you have a women's center or a domestic violence organization in your area, give them a call.  They will have the information and resources available to help you make whatever decision you need to make.  If that isn't available, make an appt with a divorce attorney for a consultation and find out what your options are.  You need information in order to make an informed decision and either of these places will have that for you.

If you make the decision to leave, be prepared for one of two things:  he will either get very angry and abusive or he will completely change and tell you he's sorry and beg for a second chance, promising it will never happen again.  The thing to understand is that he can't change this behavior without professional help over the long term.  If you choose to stay, you need to see good fruit from his promise...that will mean he seeks help, he is committed to change and he doesn't abuse you anymore.  Words mean nothing at this point....you need to see long term action.

I hope this has helped you.  I wish you well as you begin your search for information.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss